Dorian Blues

Maria Lagatos:
What are YOU doing?

Dorian Lagatos:
Just trying to get my head on straight - don't wait up.

Dorian Lagatos:
[voice-over narration] You know the one worst thing my father ever did to me? He convinced me it matters what people think of you. And the truth is, they never think quite enough. So from then I started living my life no matter what they thought. Even when they thought I was crazy and should take my liberal views and my pink shirt and move to another planet, I just had to laugh 'cause it's not pink, it's fuscia!

Dorian Lagatos:
I find it's good to talk about everything. My therapist says I overdo that, that I overanalyze. Course she's bulimic, so let's not get too preachy.

Social Worker:
She wanted me to enroll in one of these, uh , oh, aw... whadda you call it? Ah, Anger Management courses.

Dorian Lagatos:
How'd you feel about that?

Social Worker:
Pissed me off!

Dorian Lagatos:
[voice-over narration] The only difference between my mother and the Berlin Wall? Some people got past that wall.

Nicky Lagatos:
Remember what Hitler said: "You tell a lie long enough and loud enough, eventually they'll believe it."

Dorian Lagatos:
So your advice is be more like Hitler?

Nicky Lagatos:
You know what I MEAN.

Dorian Lagatos:
Yeah, stay in the closet.

Nicky Lagatos:
Yeah, and lock the door!

Therapist Dr. Michener:
Besides the fact that you're a virgin craving a first experience, and that you feel safe with me, besides those things, what exactly do you love about me?

Dorian Lagatos:
I guess that's pretty much it.

Therapist Dr. Michener:
I'm still flattered; however, I do not, under any circumstances, sleep with my clients.

Dorian Lagatos:
Could you maybe refer me to someone who does?

Therapist Dr. Michener:
Relax. We'll do our best.

Dorian Lagatos:
Oh, there's a great doctor line, "Relax, we'll do our best," usually followed by, "Sorry, we did all we could."

Locker Bully:
Hey, Nick, I was just messing with him!

Nicky Lagatos:
Yeah? Well, that's all you ever do, Kel. You know, there's a lot more to life than messing with people. You oughta branch out a little bit.

Maria Lagatos:
[in reference to Dorian's father and her husband, who has recently passed] He could be a real son of a b*tch, couldn't he?

Dorian Lagatos:
[turning around with a look of shock and surprise] Excuse me?

Maria Lagatos:
What? You didn't think I knew that?

Dorian Lagatos:
I didn't think you'd say it!

Nicky Lagatos:
Well, we're all sinners, right?

Dorian Lagatos:
Yes, that's right!

Nicky Lagatos:
I'll keep on sinning till I'm, like, thirty and then I'll repent and take up golf. Isn't that how it works?

Dorian Lagatos:
I want kids!

Nicky Lagatos:
Shh.

Dorian Lagatos:
And not just one or two of 'em, a whole mess of 'em, my own little baseball team!

Nicky Lagatos:
Base... You HATE baseball!

Dorian Lagatos:
Yes, but I love uniforms.

Dorian Lagatos:
Oh my god, wouldn't it be fabulous if this were just the answer to the whole problem?

Nicky Lagatos:
First things first, don't ever say fabulous.

Dorian Lagatos:
No?

Nicky Lagatos:
No, it's not a straight word.

Nicky Lagatos:
You sneaky little...

Dorian Lagatos:
Sn- sneaky? I don't think sneaky is a straight word, bro. Try BALLSY!

Nicky Lagatos:
Will you stop milking that?

Dorian Lagatos:
Milk? It was a concussion... AND there was blood!

Nicky Lagatos:
[in reference to a stipper] You like her?

Dorian Lagatos:
I like her shoes.

Dorian Lagatos:
Wow, so I guess she kinda liked me, huh? I mean, enough to wanna...

Nicky Lagatos:
Yeah, for a hundred bucks she liked you fine.

Tiffany:
You're all sweaty.

Dorian Lagatos:
I'm sorry.

Tiffany:
It-it's all right.

Dorian Lagatos:
Oh, I have deodorant on, just not anti-perspirant.

Dorian Lagatos:
Why do you need the money so badly? Got a crack habit or something?

Dorian Lagatos:
I can't dance. I know that sounds weird coming from a gay guy.

Nicky Lagatos:
You tell your news, Dad'll drink till he drops, and mom'll be up till 2:00 in the morning dusting knick-knacks and humming to herself like a mental patient!

Dorian Lagatos:
And what's normal, Dad? You with your pint of scotch every night, that stack of big-boob-girly magazines you got hid in that safe mom thinks is just for your stamp collection? That normal?

Dorian Lagatos:
[voice-over narration] It was so ironic: Nicky had been playing football since he was nine and had never gotten a concussion; I was going for a Liberal Arts degree and already had two.

Dorian Lagatos:
The fairy tale finally happened. Lonely Prince Dorian finally met his other prince, and the love Prince Dorian felt for Prince Ben cast out all Dorian's spells of depression and gave him the strength of ten gay men - or seven straight.

Maria Lagatos:
God made us all different, honey, to keep life interesting. You he made moody.

Dorian Lagatos:
That's not all he made me.

Dorian Lagatos:
[voice-over narration] There was the dinner hour when we discussed politics, or more accurately Dad discussed. We agreed. There was an unwritten rule in our house: "You did not disagree with my father directly, especially about politics". So, to exert your individuality, you simply agreed with him in the most original way you could find.

Dorian Lagatos:
You... you know about fair, Nick? Well, why don't you, favorite son, quarterback king with a big dick to boot, tell me about fair?

Nicky Lagatos:
HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU TOLD THIS TO?

Dorian Lagatos:
Nobody.

Nicky Lagatos:
DON'T! EVER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? Don't ever talk like this around ANYBODY! Jesus Christ, if Dad ever heard this sh*t, he'd bury you in the basement.

Locker Bully:
Yeah, we were just wondering if you could give us the definition of a word.

Dorian Lagatos:
Dictionary's out of print?

Locker Bully:
[laughs] Well, you know, we thought it would be easier to, uh... ask a smart person.

Dorian Lagatos:
What word?

Locker Bully:
Uh, what word was that again, guys? Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, it was, um, h-ho... ho-homo... homosexual. Could you tell us how you would define the word homosexual and then, maybe, use it in a sentence?

Dorian Lagatos:
I would define it as someone you're deathly afraid of.

Locker Bully:
So... should WE be afraid of YOU?

Ellie:
You know what I don't get?

Andrew:
Tell us.

Ellie:
Okay, why the Pope rides around in a bulletproof car. I just don't get that. I mean, what is he afraid of, eternal bliss?

Tom Lagatos:
[announcing at a Christmas party] Folks, my other son, Dorian, has just completed his first semester at NYU where he is a, uh... Uh, excuse me, Dorian. What's your major again?

Dorian Lagatos:
Undecided.

Tom Lagatos:
Riiiight. Where he is majoring in indecision.

[Crowd laughs]

Dorian Lagatos:
Well, I'm happy for you.

Nicky Lagatos:
Whoa, you wish I got hit by a truck.

Dorian Lagatos:
Damn you - reading my diary again.

Maria Lagatos:
I have TWO talented sons.

Dorian Lagatos:
Too bad my talent doesn't pay tuition.

Party Matchmaker:
Dorian, before I forget, did I tell you I have a niece who lives in New York?

Dorian Lagatos:
No, you didn't.

Party Matchmaker:
Well, I do. She's gorgeous. And besides that, she is the sweetest, smartest, funniest girl you could ever hope to meet. Whadda you think?

Dorian Lagatos:
Honestly, she doesn't sound like my type.

Nicky Lagatos:
Can't be straight if you're a chickenshit.

[Dorian tells his father he's gay]

Tom Lagatos:
[laughs] Son, you don't even know the meaning of the word.

Dorian Lagatos:
I don't know the word "gay" means?

Tom Lagatos:
I doubt it.

Dorian Lagatos:
Well, you're wrong.

Tom Lagatos:
What's it mean?

Dorian Lagatos:
It means I like men - not you, maybe, but in general.

Tom Lagatos:
You hear the anger there? Hm? You see, that's the crux to all of this. You're so angry at me, you'd do anything to try and shock me.

Dorian Lagatos:
Of course I'm angry at you, because you've never had anything but contempt for me.

Tom Lagatos:
You think this is gonna help?

Dorian Lagatos:
This isn't about you.

Tom Lagatos:
I think it is.

Dorian Lagatos:
What? D'you think I made this up?

Tom Lagatos:
No, I think you probably worked yourself up into half-believing it, too.

Dorian Lagatos:
I more than "half-believe" it, Dad, I KNOW it.

Tom Lagatos:
You don't know horseshit.