Dorm Life

Shane Reilly:
Oooh, boobies. Nice choice.

Steph Schwartzman:
Marshall, I know you sent me emails about this already, but it's important for me to know what you think.

Marshall Adams I:
Steph, I already told you. Your back looks like a potato.

Marshall Adams I:
O.K, so it's a classic case of eager beaver vs. drunk ant eater.

Gopher Reed:
Guys we can do this. Bring it in; we're taking a shot. To Abigail Brown, the love of my life.

Daniel Benjamin:
To my mystery hot girl. Whose name, it turns out, it Jaime.

Mike Sanders:
To Brittany, who I should have noticed earlier.

Shane Reilly:
To Lloyd from Videotown.

Gopher Reed:
Ever since the first time I can remember seeing you I can't stop thinking about you.

Abigail Constance Brown:
I'm engaged.

Shane Reilly:
We're gonna go in there, and we're gonna kick ass at finals, and we're gonna have a sweet after finals party, and we're gonna go home with smiles in our hearts and songs on our faces.

Daniel Benjamin:
Shane, finals week just ended.

Shane Reilly:
Balls!

Shane Reilly:
I could never be you, Danny B. Your bubble butt would give me away.

Josh Morgan:
Michael was I in your dream last night?

Mike Sanders:
Nope.

Josh Morgan:
O.K. Well try again tonight.

Josh Morgan:
Michael, was I in your dream last night?

Mike Sanders:
Nope.

Josh Morgan:
OK. I'll try again tonight.

Marshall Adams I:
Would you rather sneeze a fish every time you met someone new, or throw up out of your eyeballs? Things to consider: the world's stock of seafood is going to collapse by the year 2050.

Steph Schwartzman:
I'm going to get a group shot of the group shot.

Daniel Benjamin:
Mom? Why are you drunk dialing me? F*** you Mom.

Brittany Wilcox:
Do you want to come to this theme part with us tonight?... The theme is peppermint pimps and mistle-hoes.

Marshall Adams I:
We are Marshall. We are Marshall.

Shane Reilly:
Probly.

Marshall Adams I:
Je m'appelle Marshall.

Shane Reilly:
Marshall you are so much cooler with your new hat.

Abigail Constance Brown:
I win.

Courtney Cloverlock:
Mom can you stop butting into her life. She's not your daughter. You can notice that because she doesn't hate you.

Mike Sanders:
Josh, where are your real parents?

Josh Morgan:
Oh, that's my dad. Just my Mom can't act worth sh*t.

Marshall Adams I:
That was a good prank. Bees in a bag, it's a classic.

Nick Sanders:
This weekend was awesome. I hooked up with a college girl. We pulled off the window of pain. I almost died. I can't wait for college.

Steph Schwartzman:
Just wait until they hear about temporary tattuesdays.

Marshall Adams I:
Look, sometimes you have to lay down the law, okay? But I'm a chill R. A., you know. I want everyone to have fun this year. This is college and I recognize that. This is gonna be a big year. People are going to learn a lot. People are going to make mistakes, I guarantee you that one. People are going to fall in love. People are gonna experience more this year, than they ever thought possible. But people are not going to put wieners in my mouth!

Marshall Adams I:
This is a college, not a "Kids with Lupus" camp.

Courtney Cloverlock:
What about... "Five South Floorever?"

Josh Morgan:
You're a nobody.

Josh Morgan:
I made my floor mates disappear.

Gopher Reed:
I found Shane peeing in the bathroom, and by bathroom I mean library and by peeing I mean peeing.

Courtney Cloverlock:
He wasn't gay when his tongue was down my throat Brittany.

Daniel Benjamin:
What about that girl?

Courtney Cloverlock:
Her shins are too short.

Daniel Benjamin:
That one?

Courtney Cloverlock:
No, no. Her breasts are too long. What about that girl?

Daniel Benjamin:
No, she's too boring. What about you?

Courtney Cloverlock:
It's not that kind of story Benjie.

Daniel Benjamin:
What about that girl?

Courtney Cloverlock:
That'll do. Go get her pig.

Josh Morgan:
Alright all you cool cats. Here's another song to help you explore your vapid and ultimately fruitless carnal desires.

Mike Sanders:
How many bases for you Danny B?

Shane Reilly, Gopher Reed:
WHAT?

Daniel Benjamin:
Ken Burns I respectfully ask you to eat your heart out.

Mike Sanders:
Excuse me Brittany. I'm going to go wipe some of the egg off my face.

Mike Sanders:
If you wanna find the smell you have to think like the smell Danny my boy.

Daniel Benjamin:
That's stupid.

Josh Morgan:
Courtney, truth or dare?

Courtney Cloverlock:
Truth.

Josh Morgan:
How dare you?

Courtney Cloverlock:
Boldly.

Gopher Reed:
That's the risk you take with mystery hot girls. Once you take the mystery away, it's just a hot girl. And hot girls can be lame.

Daniel Benjamin:
Sock on the door there is boning galore.

Marshall Adams I:
Reason number 157 why I love you: your unshakable will to live. Reason number 158 why I love you: your love for animals, real or fictional. Reason 159 why I love you: your sand paper tongue.

Daniel Benjamin:
As it turns out Shane is a musical prodigy who became a concert pianist at the age of twelve. He's here on full scholarship. He has Velcro shoes, and a full scholarship.

Gopher Reed:
Look Andy, I'm cool with you being straight and all. I just don't want to have to see it all the time.

Shane Reilly:
He made the choice.

Josh Morgan:
Lady of the lake, you are a slippery b*tch. Arg.

Gopher Reed:
OK Danny everybody knows there's only three ways out of the friend zone: boredom, jealousy, or a traumatic event.

Shane Reilly:
Mike, Gopher, Danny B are dead.

Brittany Wilcox:
Um... what?

Shane Reilly:
All of those died.

Josh Morgan:
No longer will this floor's walls be painted in lies, but rather a shade of water color a little closer to the truth.

Marshall Adams I:
Why would I date a horny horse?