Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Moist:
I'm Moist. At my most badass, I make people want to take a shower.

Penny:
You're not really interested in the homeless, are you?

Dr. Horrible:
No, I am, but... it's a symptom. You're treating a symptom while the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head, so they say. So I'm thinking, why not cut off the head?

Penny:
[pause] Of the human race?

Dr. Horrible:
It's not a... perfect metaphor.

Dr. Horrible:
What a crazy random happenstance!

Captain Hammer:
The hammer is my penis.

Captain Hammer:
It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

Dr. Horrible:
[after describing about the freeze ray failure] Captain Hammer threw a car at my head.

Dr. Horrible:
I don't have time for a grudge match with every poser in a parka!

Dr. Horrible:
Oh goodness, look at my wrist, I have to go.

Captain Hammer:
[singing] But "Home is where the heart is," so your real home's in your chest!

Captain Hammer:
[singing] So I thank my girlfriend Penny. Yea, we totally had sex. She showed me there's so many different muscles I can flex. There's the deltoids of compassion, there's the abs of being kind. It's not enough to bash in heads, you've got to bash in minds!

Dr. Horrible:
Wow, sarcasm, that's original!

Captain Hammer:
[reading from a set of cue cards] I hate the homeless... [next cue card]... ness problem that plagues our city.

Dr. Horrible:
A lot of guys ignore the laugh, and that's about standards. I mean, if you're gonna get into the Evil League of Evil, you have to have a memorable laugh. What, do you think Bad Horse didn't work on his whinny? His terrible death-whinny?

Captain Hammer:
Stand back everyone, nothing here to see. Just imminent danger and in the middle of it me. Yes, Captain Hammer's here, hair blowing in the breeze. The day needs my saving expertise. Man's got to do what a man's got to do. Seems destiny ends with me saving you. The only doom that's looming is in loving me to death. I'll give you a second to catch your breath.

Dr. Horrible:
Moist! My evil moisture buddy. What's going on?

Moist:
Life o' crime. Got your mail.

Dr. Horrible:
Hey, didn't you, uh, didn't you go on a date last night? Conflict Diamond told me you were doubling with Bait and Switch.

Moist:
Yeah.

Dr. Horrible:
Yeah?

Moist:
It was alright. I kinda thought I was supposed to end up with Bait, but...

Dr. Horrible:
I hear ya. I saw Penny today.

Moist:
You talk to her?

Dr. Horrible:
So close. Just a few weeks away from a real audible connection.

Moist:
You need anything dampened, or made soggy?

Captain Hammer:
It's curtains for you Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

Dr. Horrible:
Wow, sarcasm! That's original!

Penny:
I was wondering if - if I could just... Hey, I know you.

Dr. Horrible:
Hello. You know me? Cool. I mean - yeah, you do... Do you?

Penny:
From the laundry mat.

Dr. Horrible:
Wednesdays and Saturdays except twice last month you skipped the weekend. Or if that was you, could have been someone else - I mean I've seen you...

Dr. Horrible:
I saw Penny today.

Moist:
You talked to her?

Dr. Horrible:
So close. Just a few weeks away from a real audible connection.

Dr. Horrible:
And by the way it's not about making money, it's about taking money. Destroying the status quo because the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just need to rule it.

Dr. Horrible:
Dude. You're NOT my nemesis.

Dr. Horrible:
No response, BTW, from the League. But my application is strong this year. A letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor - that's got to have some weight. So... fingers crossed!

Dr. Horrible:
The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.

Dr. Horrible:
Wow, sarcasm. That's original.

Dr. Horrible:
[responding to e-mails] Here's one from our good friend, Johnny Snow: "Dr. Horrible, I see you are once again afriad to do battle with your arch nemesis! I waited at Dooley Park for forty-five minutes..." Ok, *dude*, you are *not* my nemesis! My nemesis is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer, corporate tool!... dislocated my shoulder... *again*... last week... Look, I'm just trying to change the world, ok? I don't have time for a grudge match with every poser in a parka! Besides, there's kids in that park, so...

Dr. Horrible:
Captain Hammer, corporate tool.

Dr. Horrible:
My nemesis is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer, corporate tool!

Penny:
[singing] Would you lend a helping...

Dr. Horrible:
[cutting off music] AHH! Ah! Ah... What?

Dr. Horrible:
Love your hair.

Penny:
What?

Dr. Horrible:
No - I... love the... air.

Captain Hammer:
You've got a little crush, don't you, Doc. Well, that's gonna make this hard to hear. See, later, I'm gonna take little Penny back to my place. Show her the command center, Hammercycle, maybe even the Hamjet. You think she likes me now? I'm gonna give Penny the night of her life, just because you want her. And I get what you want. See, Penny's giving it up, she's giving it up hard. Cause she's with Captain Hammer. And these...

[Hammer holds up his fists]

Captain Hammer:
...are not the hammer.

[Hammer walks out of the shot momentarily then walks back in]

Captain Hammer:
The hammer is my penis.

Penny:
It's like Captain Hammer's always saying...

Dr. Horrible:
Tsch... Right. Him. How are things with "Cheesy on the Outside"?

Penny:
Good. They're good. He's... nice. I'll be interested to know what you think of him, he said he might stop by.

Dr. Horrible:
Stop by here?

Penny:
Yeah.

Dr. Horrible:
Oh... [slides up his sleeve]... goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go!

Dr. Horrible:
Any dolt with half a brain can see that humankind has gone insane, to the point where I don't know if I'll upset the status quo if I throw poison in the water main. Listen close to everybody's heart and hear that breaking sound. Hopes and dreams are shattering apart and crashing to the ground. I cannot believe my eyes... how the world's filled with filth and lies. But it's plain to see, evil inside of me is on the rise.

Penny:
Billy?

Dr. Horrible:
Yeah?

Penny:
You're driving a spork into your leg.

Dr. Horrible:
So I am. Hilarious.

Penny:
He's a really good looking guy and I thought he was kind of cheesy at first.

Dr. Horrible:
[under his breath] Trust your instincts.

Penny:
But, he turned out to be totally sweet. Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface.

Dr. Horrible:
And sometimes there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie.

Dr. Horrible:
What a crazy random happenstance.

Dr. Horrible:
I wanna do great things, you know? I wanna be an achiever, like Bad Horse.

Penny:
The Thoroughbred of Sin?

Dr. Horrible:
I meant... Gandhi.

Dr. Horrible:
[singing] And Penny will see the evil me/Not a joke, not a dork, not a failure/And she may cry, but her tears will dry/When I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia!

[talking about Horrible needing to kill to get into the Evil League of Evil]

Moist:
Hourglass says she knows a kid in Iowa who grows up to become president. That'd be... big!

Dr. Horrible:
I'm not gonna kill a little kid.

Moist:
Smother an old lady!

Dr. Horrible:
Do I even know you?

Dr. Horrible:
Captain Hammer threw a car at my head.

Moist:
You've got more than enough evil hours to get into the henchmen's union.

Dr. Horrible:
Pssh! I'm not a henchman, I'm Dr. Horrible. I have a Ph.D. in horribleness!

Moist:
Is that the new catchphrase?

Penny:
It's like Captain Hammer's always saying...

Moist:
Tsch... Right. Him. How are things with "Cheesy on the Outside"?

Penny:
Good. They're good. He's... nice. I'll be interested to know what you think of him, he said he might stop by.

Moist:
Stop by here?

Penny:
Yeah.

Moist:
Oh... [slides up his sleeve]... goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go!

Captain Hammer:
[singing] Don't worry if it's hard, if you're not a friggin 'tard you will prevail.

Captain Hammer:
[after Death Ray explodes] Oh, I'm in pain. I think this is what pain feels like.

[while terrorizing Captain Hammer groupies]

Dr. Horrible:
It's Dr. Horrible's turn.

Captain Hammer:
Give my regards to St Peter... or whoever does his job... but in hell.

Captain Hammer:
It may not feel too classy, begging just to eat / But you know who does that? Lassie, and she always gets a treat / So you wonder what your part is / Because you're homeless and depressed / But home is where the heart is / So your real home's in your chest / Everyone's a hero in their own way / Everyone's got villains they must face / They're not as cool as mine / But folks you know it's fine to know your place / Everyone's a hero in their own way / In their own not-that-heroic way / So I thank my girlfriend Penny / Yeah, we totally had sex / She showed me there's so many different muscles I can flex / There's the deltoids of compassion, there's the abs of being kind / It's not enough to bash in heads, you've got to bash in minds / Everyone's a hero in their own way / Everyone's got something they can do / Get up go out and fly / Especially that guy, he smells like poo / Everyone's a hero in their own way / You and you and mostly me and you / I'm poverty's new sheriff / And I'm bashing in the slums / A hero doesn't care if you're a bunch of scary alcoholic bums / Everybody! / Everyone's a hero in their own way / Everyone can blaze a hero's trail / Don't worry if it's hard, if you're not a friggin 'tard you will prevail / Everyone's a hero in their own way / Everyone's a hero in their...

Dr. Horrible:
Here lies everything

Dr. Horrible:
The world I wanted at my feet

Dr. Horrible:
My victory's complete

Dr. Horrible:
So hail to the king

Groupie #1:
Everything you ever...

Dr. Horrible:
Arise and sing

Dr. Horrible:
So your world's benign

Dr. Horrible:
So you think justice has a voice

Dr. Horrible:
And we all have a choice

Dr. Horrible:
Well now your world is mine

Groupie #1:
Everything you ever...

Dr. Horrible:
And I am fine

Dr. Horrible:
Now the nightmare's real

Dr. Horrible:
Now Dr. Horrible is here

Dr. Horrible:
To make you quake with fear

Dr. Horrible:
To make the whole world kneel

Groupie #1:
Everything you ever...

Dr. Horrible:
And I won't feel

Dr. Horrible:
A thing

Captain Hammer:
[singing] This is so nice / Just might sleep with the same girl twice / They say it's better the second time / They say you get to do the weird stuff!

Groupie #1, Groupie #2, Groupie #3:
[singing] We do the weird stuff!

Captain Hammer:
[singing] Everyone's a hero in their own way / Everyone can blaze a hero's trail / Don't worry if it's hard / If you're not a friggin' 'tard you will prevail!

Captain Hammer:
I hate the homeless [pause]... ness problem that plagues our city.

Captain Hammer:
Give my regards to St. Peter- or you know, whoever has his job... but in Hell.

Mayor Hankins:
Justice has a name! And the name it has... besides "Justice"... is Captain Hammer!