Drillbit Taylor

[from trailer]

Drillbit Taylor:
[from trailer] Now in addition to the Chinese Kung Fu we've got a little Mexican Judo, as in 'Judon't know who you messin' with, homz.'

Drillbit Taylor:
Crap on a sh*t sandwich!

Drillbit Taylor:
You'd be surprised, anything can be turned into a weapon of mayhem or destruction.

Emmit:
Even a puppy?

Drillbit Taylor:
Especially a puppy. The Germans used em' in World War I. De Hundin Schtorman, Lightning Dog. They'd attach dynamite to them, Rommel did it, jerry bastard...

Drillbit Taylor:
So what'd you do to provoke him?

Wade:
Well he's fat, he's a dork, and I'm awesome.

[repeated line]

Drillbit Taylor:
Hoorah!

Ryan:
Remember what that douche bag Drillbit taught us? Mind over Pain!

Emmit:
I'm not a hobbit!

Drillbit Taylor:
[to Ryan] Emmit's not a hobbit, I don't think.

buyer:
I tell you what, I'll give you 1,500 for everything.

Don:
1,500? Come on, man. This stuff holds a lot of sentimental value.

buyer:
To who?

Don:
To the poeple I stole it from.

buyer:
I don't care about them. 1,500.

Drillbit Taylor:
I'm Drillbit Taylor... US Army ranger, black-ops operative, decorated marksman, improvised weapons expert.

Wade:
Are you still in the military?

Drillbit Taylor:
I was discharged - unauthorized heroism.

Filkins:
You're Siamese queers, b*tches!

Ronnie:
Holy crap, you guys are retarded!

Filkins:
Think you're so funny? Good. Cause you're not gonna laugh when you're dead. You're gonna get it now, worse than ever. All of you.

Ryan:
[after knocking Filkins down] Everybody, from 9th grade to 12th grade, I promise you, his reign of tyranny is over! I proclaim it! He will never bother us again! And he's getting up!

Filkins:
You're dead.

Ryan:
And I'm in big trouble!

Disgruntled Bodyguard:
Kids hiring a bodyguard to take care of a bullying? Stupidest thing I ever heard.

Ryan:
Keep walking. I don't want to get shot like Tupac.

Emmit:
You're the b*tch!

Filkins:
Huh?

Emmit:
AAAAAH that's right!

Ryan:
Not balls! You hit me in the nuts.

Filkins:
I'm really a samurai warrior from the 14th Century sent to kill them. [the parents at the meeting laugh at his joke]

Filkins:
Catch me off guard? You broke my stairs? My father loved those stairs!

Filkins:
Yo Jay, give me some murder music.

Ryan:
If I don't survive, you should definitely sue Emmit's family.

Drillbit Taylor:
Godammit, I'm sick of getting hit by this kid.

Ryan:
C'mon, Drillbit, kick his ass.

Drillbit Taylor:
I can't, he's a minor.

Kid:
No, he's not. He's 18.

Ryan:
Now, we're more screwed than ever. All because you wanted to protect the hobbit over here.

Drillbit Taylor:
Hey, let's just stop for a second.

Emmit:
I'm not a hobbit!

Ryan:
You're a damn hobbit, okay?

Emmit:
I'm not!

Drillbit Taylor:
Hold it! Hey, Emmit's not a hobbit, okay? I don't think.

Ryan:
Me and Emmit are gonna back you up.

Emmit:
Oh, now it's "me and Emmit". You've never been nice to me, Ryan and I've only been kind to you. And I've tried so hard to make this friendship work, but I am not going to die for someone who won't die for me. "Survival technique". I renounce violence. I have a future!

Ryan:
[battle rap duel] Yo! Call me whatever you want, but you know I gets busy I'm so badass, I'm the king of Vice City, like the Buddha, I'm Zen, like Beckham I bend, I tell suckers "say hello to my little friend".

Filkins:
Hey, meatball, where's your spaghetti? Your rapping's like a nightmare but I don't see Freddy. You best not even try to spit rhymes, dude 'cause when you spit all I ever see is chewed-up food.

Ronnie:
Yeah, that's how we roll, that's how we do.

Ryan:
Hold on. I know you just didn't go there, I got more skills than you in my one and only nut hair. So you better step off before you insult me and mine 'cause if you decide to step on, see I'm like a land mine... Boom! Boom!

Filkins:
Oh, my God, look it's a punkass rapping. He say one more word I'm gonna have to b*tch-slap him. So surprised you're moving ass is so damn fat. You're luck I don't hit you with my Wiffle, Wiffle Ball bat.

Ryan:
Can't hurt my head with a bat, I'm the Incredible Hulk, I'm like Costco. I'm serving ass kickings in bulk. You don't like my words Mister King of the School? Well, guess what? You can suck on my family's jewels. B*tch! [crowd cheers]