Drop Dead Diva

Fred:
I've heard about physical attraction before, chemically I understand it but I've never experienced it.

Jane Bingum:
What, you've never had a crush?

Fred:
Up there all I meet are dead people.

Jane Bingum:
Well, forget it, okay? Stacey's out of your league. You'll be setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

Fred:
No no no, you don't understand! I look at this Stacey, and I, and I can't help it. I wanna, I wanna do her grocery shopping, wanna, wanna re-roof her house. I wanna... hunt animals and bring her the MEAT.

[Tony waits in Jane's office, irritated after the embarrassing scene Jane made in the restaurant. Jane enters her room]

Tony Nicastro:
What the hell, Jane?

Jane Bingum:
It's nice to see you, too. Would you like something to drink?

Tony Nicastro:
[angrily] Jane...

[Jane puts her handbag down and turns to face Tony]

Jane Bingum:
OK, I'm sorry. But I don't feel bad about it. I mean, maybe I went a little overboard, but I was not the one on a date when all we were doing was slowing things down.

Tony Nicastro:
You keep saying that...

Jane Bingum:
Were those or were those not your words?

Tony Nicastro:
You got to let me finish!

Jane Bingum:
By all means. Finish.

Tony Nicastro:
It wasn't a date. It was a job interview. Her name is Elisa Powell. It was a second interview for a job with the US attorney office. One I'm pretty unlikely to get at this point.

Jane Bingum:
[quietly] Oh... well, now I feel bad about it.

Tony Nicastro:
[nods] Wish I could help you out with that.

Jane Bingum:
I am sorry. Genuinely.

[Jane turns away from Tony, then faces him again]

Jane Bingum:
You know, but I am not entirely wrong here.

Tony Nicastro:
Oh, for god's sake, you can't just apologize, can you?

Jane Bingum:
Well, had you bothered to return one of my phone calls, I might have known what was going on.

Tony Nicastro:
That doesn't excuse...

Jane Bingum:
I don't exist well in limbo, Tony. So I just wanted to know where we stand.

Tony Nicastro:
Fine. You want to know where we stand?

Jane Bingum:
[sniffles] Yeah!

Tony Nicastro:
It's over.

[Tony walks toward the door]

Jane Bingum:
W-wait. It's... it's over?

[Tony turns back to Jane]

Tony Nicastro:
[sighs] Goodbye, Jane.

[Tony exits Jane's office, wiping his eyes. Jane bursts into tears]

Kim Kaswell:
It's over. We won. Move on.

Fred:
I can't. It's a hundred thousand dollars, and it's bugging me. And you know how obsessive I can get.

Kim Kaswell:
That's why my paper-clips are sorted by color.

[Grayson explains Stacy what are the charges against her]

Grayson Kent:
Because it's a first offense, the DA's office has offered an ACD.

[ACD = Adjournment in contemplation of dismissal]

Stacy Barrett:
[rejoices, although she has no idea what ACD stands for] Oh, that's amazing!

[Stacy frowns]

Stacy Barrett:
A what?

Grayson Kent:
[patiently] It means if you stay out of trouble, the whole thing goes away.

Stacy Barrett:
Really? Like a liposuction to your criminal record.

[Grayson nods]

[Owen offers Jane to travel with him to New Zealand, jokingly referring to "Lord of the Rings"]

Judge Owen French:
You'll love it there. It's the Middle Earth. Friendly people, great wine. Maybe we'll see a Hobbit, who knows?

[Teri offers Parker to get information about Kim's current boyfriend]

Teri Lee:
For two box seats to the "Grease" sing-along at the Bowl, I'll get you every dirty detail.

J. Parker:
[quotes from the movie] Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee.

[Kim enters Parker's office]

Kim Kaswell:
You wanted to see me?

Jay Parker:
Please tell me it's not true.

Kim Kaswell:
It's not true.

Jane Bingum:
You can't woo Stacy.

Fred:
Why?

Jane Bingum:
You're going to get hurt.

Fred:
What are you talking about?

Jane Bingum:
Stacy has dating ADD. One time, she met a guy at spin class. They went for coffee, and she broke up with him before she got her latte. Why? because he was wearing black ankle socks.

[Jane tells Stacy about her client, who was fired because he came to work dressed like a clown]

Stacy Barrett:
You know I'm always on your side, but dressing like a clown at work is a little weird, don't you think?

Jane Bingum:
You dressed like a banana at work once.

Stacy Barrett:
I was auditioning for fruit roll-ups.

Kim Kaswell:
It's like watching a nervous breakdown, sponsored by volumizing shampoo.

Jane Bingum:
According to Freud, dreams are our desires stored in the unconscious.

Stacy Barrett:
Freud... was that the guy who was sleeping on our couch?

Jane Bingum:
That was Fred.

Teri Lee:
You're late!

Jane Bingum:
I've been late everyday for like three months.

[Paul assures Kim and Owen that Jane and Ian truly love each other]

Paul:
Their love is written in the stars, like Brad and Angelina, William and Kate, Romeo and Juliet.

Owen French:
Romeo and Juliet were 15-year-old kids who knew each other for three days, and then killed themselves after Juliet took a roofie from a priest.

[Parker meets Jane and Stacy at the hospital]

J. Parker:
Look, it's been three days. It's time to get back to work.

Jane Bingum:
Fine, but at the moment, I don't have any clients.

J. Parker:
Oh, potentially, you have a whale.

Stacy Barrett:
That is highly insensitive. Maybe the client has a thyroid problem.

Jane Bingum:
Oh, no. Sweetie, a "whale" is what we call a wealthy client.

Fred:
Can I help you?

Penny Brecker:
I'm looking for Kim Kaswell.

Fred:
I regret to inform you that Ms. Kaswell is no longer with us.

[Penny misinterprets what Fred said as if Kim died]

Penny Brecker:
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Fred:
Yeah, it's sad, but... she's in better place.

Penny Brecker:
Oh, my god!

Teri Lee:
[impatiently] Lady, she's fine. She just quit the firm.

Teri Lee:
[to Fred] What's wrong with you?

Teri Lee:
So, I'm confused, Freddy. With Kim gone, why are you still on her desk?

Fred:
Free coffee, free office supplies, and I am building a plantation on "Farmville." Why would I leave?

Stacy Barrett:
Jane, a troll is trying to steal my pakery!

[Jane thinks that Stacy refers to the fictional creature, while Stacy meant a patent troll]

Jane Bingum:
Did you fall asleep during 'Game of Thrones' again?

Stacy Barrett:
I never filed my patent.

Jane Bingum:
Oh, God, a patent troll!

[Stacy nods]

Jane Bingum:
[disgustedly] Those guys... dirtier than... dirt.

[first line of the series]

Deb Dobkins:
[looking at the mirror] Do my knees look fat?

[Owen is annoyed to be subpoenaed by Jane]

Jane Bingum:
Look, I'm-I'm really sorry about the whole subpoena thing, but...

Owen French:
"But". Funny thing about the word "but": when "but" follows an apology, it means you're not really sorry, you're just defending your actions. So your non-apology is not accepted. No "if"s, "and"s or "but"s.

Jane Bingum:
I never meant for this to get adversarial.

Owen French:
But it did. See you in court.

Grayson Kent:
And you really thought I was so shallow that I wouldn't love you in another body? I would have walked through fire to get you back in any shape or form because I loved you so damn much. Did you really not know that?

Jane Bingum:
I... never thought about it that way.

Grayson Kent:
I think it was easier for you to see me in pain than risk rejection. You underestimated me. You underestimated us.

[Jane has nothing to say]

Grayson Kent:
I gotta get to court.

[Grayson leaves]

Stacy Barrett:
She also told me that "res ipsa loquitur" [Latin for "the thing speaks for itself"] is a legal term, but isn't that sound like a large dinosaur?

[Jane tells Parker that she intends to sue the store PDQ where she was treated rudely, and he agrees, providing that Kim will represent her]

J. Parker:
Since a lawyer who represents herself has a fool for a client, you'll need representation. Kim!

[hearing that, Kim nearly chokes on her coffee]

Stacy Barrett:
Quid pro quo!

[Latin for "something for something"]

Kim Kaswell:
Do you even know what that means?

Stacy Barrett:
Not exactly.

Teri Lee:
Kim's representing Jane in a lawsuit?

Stacy Barrett:
Oh, I can't talk about it. I'm hoping to be a character witness.

Teri Lee:
[sarcastically, knowing that Stacy has no knowledge of legal terms] That's perfect, because you are a character.

Stacy Barrett:
[does not understand that Teri was talking sarcastically] Thank you!

Jane Bingum:
Brittney's gonna help on my pro bono. And she was assigned by...

Britney:
De... um, an anti-death-penalty group.

Jane Bingum:
Mm-hmm.

Teri Lee:
Oh. Which one?

[Britney looks around and sees a jar of candies on Jane's desk]

Britney:
Uh... Candy!

Teri Lee:
There's an anti-death-penalty group called Candy?

Jane Bingum:
Candy!

[Teri looks at Jane confused]

Jane Bingum:
Citizens Against New Death... Yo.