Drop Dead Gorgeous

Loretta:
A rich family in a small town, it makes the papers when one of them takes a sh*t!

Gladys Leeman:
You'd think they'd build the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America!

Voice of Documentarian:
So what was the theme of the pageant last year?

Gladys Leeman:
Last year? It was, "Buy American."

Voice of Documentarian:
And the year before that?

Gladys Leeman:
"U.S.A. is A-okay."

Voice of Documentarian:
Can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant?

Gladys Leeman:
"Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this. I don't know, it's, maybe a gift from God or somethin'.

Voice of Documentarian:
So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of pageants over the years?

John:
Nope. No. Uh-uh. Never judged a pageant before in my life. Nope. No way. Never around young girls. Even if I was, why would I wanna be, y'know? I- I- I don't get off on that kinda thing and that's really why you're askin', right?... S- someone say somethin'?

Hank Vilmes:
Ow, Harold, Mom said not the head.

Harold Vilmes:
Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap.

Hank Vilmes:
I will if you shut your piehole.

Harold Vilmes:
Don't make me kick ya where the good Lord split ya.

Loretta:
Are we on "Cops" again?

Loretta:
Can one of yous boys give me a ride home?

Annette Atkins:
Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down.

Loretta:
So? Be real easy.

Annette Atkins:
Go on home, Loretta. Come on. Go on, the party's over.

Loretta:
Anyone?

Amber Atkins:
Yah, my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming, like, this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap costume on the roof o' their trailer while he was settin' coon traps for his dad. Here's the weird part: it was still on the hanger.

Amber Atkins:
I don't eat shellfish. Mom always says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can carry its house around with it. Who knows the last time it's been cleaned." She should know.

Amber Atkins:
This is bullshit!

Iris Clark:
That is not American Teen Princess language!

Amber Atkins:
Well this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant! This... This... This is Nazi Germany!

Gladys Leeman:
He sells reproductions! His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

Pastor:
And so, dear Lord, it is with deep sadness that we turn over to you this young woman, whose dream to ride on a giant swan resulted in her death. Maybe it is your way of telling us... to buy American.

Amber Atkins:
My mom never hid the fact that my dad chose his career over us. What was it she always said?

Loretta:
Once a carnie, always a carnie.

Amber Atkins:
Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.

Annette Atkins:
Who's this?

Amber Atkins:
Oh, they're here to film me for their movie.

Annette Atkins:
If they ask you to take your top off, get the money first.

Becky Ann Leeman:
I'd have good strong roots in a town like Mt. Rose, a solid Christian trunk, and long, leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot day.

Loretta:
Do you think a nice cool mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?

Harold Vilmes:
Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order.

Amber Atkins:
Seriously?

Loretta:
What is wrong with you?

Amber Atkins:
I don't know. I just didn't wanna win like this.

Loretta:
You stop right there. You are a good person. Good things happen to good people.

Amber Atkins:
Really?

Loretta:
No. It's pure bullshit, sweetie. You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it.

Amber Atkins:
Okay.

Loretta:
Do you guys want some shots? I'm buyin'!

Amber Atkins:
Hi. I'm Amber Atkins, and I am signing up 'cause two of my favorite persons in the world competed in pageants: my mom and Diane Sawyer. Of course, I want to end up more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.

Becky Ann Leeman:
My mom gave me this 19 mill for my 13th birthday. Yeah. I'll always remember what she put on the card. "Jesus Loves Winners". That's why I always aim to win.

Loretta:
...most smartest. . .

Annette Atkins:
Most smartest?

Loretta:
Most smartest!

Terry Macey:
And you are...

Amber Atkins:
Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

Terry Macey:
Funny, you don't look dead!

Voice of Documentarian:
So, just tell us your name, and why you're signing up for the pageant.

Leslie Miller:
Ok... Hi... I'm Leslie Miller... and I'm signing up 'cause... oh... I always watch the pageants on TV and my boyfriend thinks I'll win

Leslie Miller:
Hi Pat. GO MUSKIES WOO!

Lisa Swenson:
If you're 18, and you're not a total fry... it's jus whatcha do

Gladys Leeman:
The communal wine just proves too tempting for some people!

Iris Clark:
That's why we Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid for the blood of Christ.

Amber Atkins:
Loretta, never have kids.

Loretta:
Oh, honey, God bless ya for thinking I still could.

Gladys Leeman:
Hey hey, Miss Penthouse '98, close those legs, I could drive a boat show in there.

Mary Johanson:
With one week to go before the pageant I was finishing my outfit, rehearsing my talent, and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories. I was ready.

Annette Atkins:
I am reaching the point where I would kill someone for the nicotine under their fingernails.

Tammy Curry:
This one's for varsity soccer, I'm captain. I run track and, uh, right here, I'm the new president of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.

Colleen Douglas:
Look at that one there. I think that she's had a boob job.

Terry Macey:
Oh, come on. She's too young for a boob job.

Colleen Douglas:
They do that at birth now, what are you talking about?

Gladys Leeman:
I know what some of your big-city, no-bra-wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers might say.

Gladys Leeman:
The swan ate my baby, the swan ate my baby!

Iona Hildebrandt, 1945 Winner:
I was crowned Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945. We were fighting the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Had to turn it into scrap!

Cop #1:
The Curry girl? Oh yeah. After some careful investigatin' we determined it was a case of smokin' and drivin'.

Amber Atkins:
Well yeah Tammy liked to drive her dad's thresher! She said the heavy vibrations helped clear her mind. But I know Tammy only smoked AFTER a good drive.

Amber Atkins:
Oh yeah. Guys get out of Mount Rose all the time on hockey scholarships... or prison.

Leslie Miller:
Yah, I'm a little nervous. I mean, it's been two months and I haven't even told my boyfriend - how did you know?

Leslie Miller:
Oh, you mean about the contest.

Fry Girl:
This pageant is like a roach motel - girls check in but they don't check out.

Hank:
I want a big bag of little donuts.

Iris:
It's a $200 fine.

Gladys:
I told you I'd move the car if a cripple came. Now, just run in the store and pick out some outfits.

Candy Striper:
Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how about some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down.

Loretta:
D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass?

Gladys:
You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye.

Lester:
Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye.

Gladys:
Sammy Davis, Jr., honey.

Lester:
Yeah, yeah, the Jew.

Becky:
Nice one, Dad. He's dead.

Amber:
Nice, Becky, she's anorexic.

Becky:
She's skinny Amber, not deaf!

Amber:
Mom! Mom! Mom!

Firefighter:
You family?

Loretta:
Oh no, she's just screaming "Mom, Mom" 'cause she's got Tourettes. She's Annette's kid, dipshit.

John Dough:
Well, you know, we'll, uh, compare scores and figure out a winner. 'Cause, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet. I have no idea who Jean picked... or Harold... no idea.

Hank:
I know who the winner is, I know who the winner is... Harold, I know who the winner is.

John:
God damn, that's it. Shut your Goddamn mouth.

Becky:
I'm so excited. I mean, I won. I'm a winner. And I'm going to State.

Gladys:
She's a winner. And we're going to State!

Gladys Leeman:
Hello Father Donnagan, sidewalks? sidewalks? Iris, stop it, it's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them.

Gladys Leeman:
Oh my God! My baby. That swan ate my baby. Baby, please, get out, we gotta go to State!

Becky Ann Leeman:
I chose Mount Rushmore, 'cause to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.

Tammy:
Maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant, but other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club either, and I did. It's just like Anthony Robins says, "I'm a winner, nobody can stop me, but me".

Annette:
I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house, you go find the guy who cut them off, he'll give 'em to you so you can practice for the pageant.

Leslie:
They'll never let you perform naked, I asked.

Hank:
Harold, Harold, Are we on cops again Harold?

Tagline:
If looks could kill...