Drowning Mona

Rona:
Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.

Mona Dearly:
Don't call yourselves BJ Landscaping. You don't want people to go around calling you "Blow Job Landscaping."

Chief Wyatt Rash:
My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad."

Mona Dearly:
Yeah? Well life handed me a pile of sh*t. What am I supposed to do with that?!

Phil Dearly:
Make sh*t salad?

Jeff Dearly:
I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" sh*t.

Jeff Dearly:
Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.

Deputy Tony Carlucci:
(to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death) So, uh...you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...

Phil Dearly:
Yeah! Uh...

Deputy Jimmy D:
I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.

Deputy Tony Carlucci:
Being that, you know, he's your son and all.

Phil Dearly:
Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.

Bobby Kalzone:
Dude, she's like 13.

Jeff:
Finally!

Ellen:
You're supposed to have that thing in your head that says, "BAD F***ING IDEA, BOBBY!"

Bobby Kalzone:
I do have it! It just didn't work!

Bobby Kalzone:
It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.

Wyatt Rash:
Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.

Bobby Kalzone:
Peaches killed Jeff?

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?

Cubby:
You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Along those lines.

Cubby:
Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Mona:
Why'de you pull us over Feege?

Feege:
Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. What the hell is the matter with you son? (to Jeph)

Mona:
What did you hurt him for?

Feege:
He's drunk!

Mona:
No he aint! Its OK baby. (to Jeph.) You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service pal!

Bobby Kalzone:
Mona Dearly's dead.

Ellie:
What?

Bobby Kalzone:
She's dead- It was just a- car accident.

Ellie:
You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!

Bobby Kalzone:
Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.

Ellie:
I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.

Bobby Kalzone:
How did they treat me?

Ellie:
Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.

Rona:
Some shame bout that Mona Dearly. I mean, so young.

Jeff Dearly:
Where's my car?

Deputy Jimmy D.:
Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than you're car.

Jeff Dearly:
Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on?

Deputy Tony Carlucci:
Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.

Jeff Dearly:
What was she doing in my car?

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?

Cubby:
You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Along those lines.

Cubby:
Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Ellen Rash:
Bobby! Sheesh I can't believe you killed somebody!

[she walks off]

Bobby Kalzone:
Where ya goin?

Ellen Rash:
Home!

Bobby Kalzone:
[quietly] We need milk.

Bobby Kalzone:
[after Ellen slaps him after explaining what he did] What you do that for?

Ellen Rash:
[outraged] You killed Mona Dearly!

Bobby Kalzone:
[chastened] I know.

Ellen Rash:
BUT WHY?!

Bobby Kalzone:
Because I thought I was killing Jeff!

Ellen Rash:
Bobby, my dad is the chief of police!

Bobby Kalzone:
I know, but I wasn't gonna go through with it.

Ellen Rash:
It doesn't matter; you killed someone!

Bobby Kalzone:
I know, but I was doing it for us. Jeff was killing the business, and Mona wasn't gonna let me out of the partnership, so - Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Ellen Rash:
A good idea at the time? 'Cut the grass at 6:00, lay sod at 7:00, DROWN THE DEARLYS AT 8:00'!

Ellen Rash:
Yeah, but you're not even supposed to get that far, you're supposed to have that thing in your head that goes off and says, 'bad F***ING idea, Bobby!'

Bobby Kalzone:
I have that thing! I have that thing. It just didn't go off.

Ellen Rash:
[pause] Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.

Bobby Kalzone:
What? You're pregnant? That's great!

Ellen Rash:
Uh huh! I thought so too, till a moment ago. I can't believe you killed someone!

[she walks off]

Bobby Kalzone:
Where ya goin?

Ellen Rash:
Home!

Bobby Kalzone:
[quietly] We need milk.

Jeff Dearly:
[while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents.

Chief Wyatt Rash:
We don't think you killed anybody!

Jeff Dearly:
Yeah? Well, you're full of sh*t! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...

[a flashback shows Mona cleaving a sausage]

Jeff Dearly:
Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.

Mona Dearly:
Don't touch that beer, Jeff.

Jeff Dearly:
[reaches out] Oh, give it to me.

Mona Dearly:
I SAID...

[cleaves his hand clean off]

Jeff Dearly:
[screams in pain] F***!

[back to present, everyone is shocked and disgusted]

Jeff Dearly:
Was I so wrong?

Lt. Feege Gruber:
You bet your ass.

Jeff Dearly:
Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.

Jeff Dearly:
I didn't kill my dad neither.

Chief Wyatt Rash:
Then why don't you give me the gun.

Jeff Dearly:
[puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!

Rona Mace:
I could wind up floating on the bottom of the Hudson.

Phil Dearly:
Don't kiss the dogs ass!

Phil Dearly:
I was a battered husband.

Phil Dearly:
[singing] I'm a Wheel Watcher! I'm a Wheel Watcher!

Mona Dearly:
[to Bobby and Jeff, regarding the name BJ Landscaping] BJ? [laughs] Well, I think "JB" has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone goin' around calling ya "Blow Job Landscaping" - Do ya?

Lt. Feege Gruber:
They found him this morning...dead in the water, so to speak.