Duck Soup

Rufus T. Firefly:
I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?

Chicolini:
I've done it already.

Rufus T. Firefly:
You've done what?

Chicolini:
I've changed to the other side.

Rufus T. Firefly:
So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?

Chicolini:
Well, the food is better over here.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Lieutenant, why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?

Bob Roland:
Why, uh, I didn't think those papers were important at this time, your excellency.

Rufus T. Firefly:
You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?

Rufus T. Firefly:
I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia in peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino, and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't. A fine thing that'll be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept. That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a forgein ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here, and make a sap of me in front of all my people? Think of it - I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept. Why, the cheap ball-pushing swine, he'll never get away with it I tell you, he'll never get away with it.

Rufus T. Firefly:
So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh?

Bob Roland:
We've got to get rid of that man at once. Now I've got a plan. You say something to make him mad, and he'll strike you... and we'll force him to leave the country.

Rufus T. Firefly:
That's a swell plan... why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?

Bob Roland:
Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence once, and he slapped my face.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Why didn't Vera slap your face?

Bob Roland:
She did.

Rufus T. Firefly:
What'd you say to her?

Rufus T. Firefly:
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where'd you hear that story?

Bob Roland:
Why, you told it to me.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?

Mrs. Teasdale:
A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea.

Rufus T. Firefly:
I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.

Rufus T. Firefly:
I'll see you at the opera tonight. I'll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you're on your own.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Now, what is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

Chicolini:
Atsa good one. I give you three guesses.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Now let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia... Is it male or female?

Chicolini:
No, I no think so.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Is he dead?

Chicolini:
Who?

Rufus T. Firefly:
I don't know. I give up.

Chicolini:
I give up, too.

Rufus T. Firefly:
How would you like a job in the mint?

Chicolini:
Mint? No, no, I no like a mint. Uh - what other flavor you got?

Rufus T. Firefly:
You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking you're life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Dig trenches, with our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made. Here, run out and get some trenches. Wait a minute, get them this high

Rufus T. Firefly:
and our soldiers won't need any pants. Wait a minute, get them this high

Rufus T. Firefly:
and we won't need any soldiers.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Chicolini:
I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.

Ambassador Trentino:
I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.

Rufus T. Firefly:
It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Not that I care, but where is your husband?

Mrs. Teasdale:
Why, he's dead.

Rufus T. Firefly:
I bet he's just using that as an excuse.

Mrs. Teasdale:
I was with him to the very end.

Rufus T. Firefly:
No wonder he passed away.

Mrs. Teasdale:
I held him in my arms and kissed him.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honour, which is probably more than she ever did.

Chicolini:
Hello? No, not yet. All right, I tell him. Good-a-bye.

Chicolini:
That was for you again.

Rufus T. Firefly:
I wonder whatever became of me? I should have been back here a long time ago.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.

Ambassador Trentino:
What?

Rufus T. Firefly:
I, uh, I'm sorry I said that; it isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

Chicolini:
Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?

Prosecutor:
That's irrelevant.

Chicolini:
Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?

Bob Roland:
General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda and a half a glass of water.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Minister of Finance:
Here is the Treasury Department's report, sir. I hope you'll find it clear.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.

Prosecutor:
Chicolini, you are charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.

Chicolini:
I object.

Prosecutor:
You object? On what grounds?

Chicolini:
I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Objection sustained.

Prosecutor:
Your majesty, you sustain the objection?

Rufus T. Firefly:
Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?

Rufus T. Firefly:
I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.

Rufus T. Firefly:
And now, members of the cabinet...

Rufus T. Firefly:
we'll take up old business.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Sit down, that's new business. No old business? Very well...

Rufus T. Firefly:
we'll take up new business.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

Mrs. Teasdale:
Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

Mrs. Teasdale:
As chairman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Is that so? How late do you stay open?

Chicolini:
Here, have a cigar.

Chicolini:
That's a good quarter cigar. I smoke the other 3/4 myself.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.

Chicolini:
What job?

Rufus T. Firefly:
Secretary of War.

Chicolini:
All right, I take it.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Sold.

Mrs. Teasdale:
Your excellency, the ambassador's here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.

Rufus T. Firefly:
A lot of good that'll do him: he's still got the same face.

Ambassador Trentino:
I'm sorry we lost our tempers; I'm willing to forgot if you are.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Forget? You ask me to forget? A Firefly never forgets. Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again. Nothing doing. I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed; I'm expecting company.

Prosecutor:
Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

Chicolini:
Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.

Prosecutor:
No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars!

Chicolini:
Dollars! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollars, Taxes!

Rufus T. Firefly:
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Rufus T. Firefly:
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

Rufus T. Firefly:
There goes my gun. Run out and get that like a good girl.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Where's my Stradivarius?

Rufus T. Firefly:
I'll show 'em they can't fiddle around with old Firefly!

Rufus T. Firefly:
Look at 'em run! Now they know they've been in a war!

Bob Roland:
Your Excellency!

Rufus T. Firefly:
Hahahahahaha, they're fleeing like rats!

Bob Roland:
But sir, I've got to tell you...

Rufus T. Firefly:
Remind me to give myself the Firefly Medal for this!

Bob Roland:
Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men!

Rufus T. Firefly:
What?

Bob Roland:
You're shooting your own men!

Rufus T. Firefly:
Here's $5, keep it under your hat.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Never mind, I'll keep it under my hat.

Chicolini:
Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come he wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us: he no show up. Wednesday HE go to the ball game, but we fool HIM, WE no show up. Thursday it was a double-header nobody show up. Friday it rained all day, there was no ball game, so we stayed home, we listen to it over the radio.

Rufus T. Firefly:
I'm in a hurry! To the House of Representatives! Ride like fury! If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mabel! Now step on it!

Ambassador Trentino:
Have you been trailing Firefly?

Chicolini:
Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.

Ambassador Trentino:
Oh really?

Chicolini:
Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

Chicolini:
Well, you remember you gave us a picture of this man and said, 'Follow him?'

Ambassador Trentino:
Oh, yes.

Chicolini:
Well, we get on-a the job right away and in the one hour - even-a less than one hour...

Ambassador Trentino:
Yes?

Chicolini:
We lose-a the picture. That's-a pretty quick work, eh?

Ambassador Trentino:
Now will you tell me what happened on Saturday?

Chicolini:
I'm glad you ask me. We follow this man down to a roadhouse, and at this roadhouse he meet a married lady.

Ambassador Trentino:
A married lady?

Chicolini:
Yeah, I think it was his wife.

Ambassador Trentino:
Firefly has no wife!

Chicolini:
No?

Ambassador Trentino:
No!

Chicolini:
Then you know what I think, boss?

Ambassador Trentino:
What?

Chicolini:
I think-a we follow the wrong man.

Ambassador Trentino:
But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly. Did you bring me his record?

Ambassador Trentino:
No, no!

Chicolini:
And the boy gets a cigar!

Ambassador Trentino:
You didn't shadow Firefly?

Chicolini:
Oh, sure we shadow Firefly - we shadow him all day.

Ambassador Trentino:
But what day was that?

Chicolini:
Shadowday!

Chicolini:
That's-a some joke, eh, boss?

Rufus T. Firefly:
Go, and never darken my towels again!

Chicolini:
Mister you no understand. Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy, he work-a for me. I want him to find out-a something, but he no find out what I wanna find out. Now how am I gonna find out what I wanna find out if he no find out what I gotta find out?

Lemonade Vendor:
I'll teach you to kick me!

Chicolini:
You don't have to teach me, I know how!

Rufus T. Firefly:
Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

Chicolini:
Well, I tell you what I think, I think we should have a standing army.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Why should we have a standing army?

Chicolini:
Because then we save money on chairs.

Bob Roland:
This letter's the work of Trentino. The man is trying to undermine you. Now what are you going to do about it?

Rufus T. Firefly:
I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Any mail for me while I was gone?

Rufus T. Firefly:
Chicolini, I need you back here right now. What'll you take to come back and work for me again?

Chicolini:
I'll take a vacation.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Good, you're hired.

First Judge:
That sort of testimony we can eliminate.

Chicolini:
Atsa fine. I'll take some.

First Judge:
You'll take what?

Chicolini:
Eliminate. A nice, cold glass eliminate.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.

Chicolini:
Eleven.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Right

Rufus T. Firefly:
Look at Chicolini. He sits there alone, an abject figure.

Chicolini:
I abject!

Prosecutor:
Chicolini, when were you born?

Chicolini:
I don't-a remember. I was just a little baby.

Prosecutor:
Isn't it true you tried to sell Freedonia's secret war code and plans?

Chicolini:
Sure, I sold a code and two pair of plans.

Mrs. Teasdale:
What's that?

Rufus T. Firefly:
Sounds to me like mice.

Mrs. Teasdale:
Mice? Mice don't play music

Rufus T. Firefly:
No? How about the old maestro?

Mrs. Teasdale:
Your Excellency, I thought you'd left!

Chicolini:
Oh no, I no leave.

Mrs. Teasdale:
But I saw you with my own eyes!

Chicolini:
Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Vera Marcal:
If you're found, you're lost!

Chicolini:
Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

Rufus T. Firefly:
I danced before Napoleon. No, Napoleon danced before me. As a matter of fact, he danced 200 years before me.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Here are the plans of war. They're as valuable as your life. And that's putting them pretty cheap. Watch them like a cat watched her kittens. Have you ever had kittens? No, of course not, you're too busy running around playing bridge. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you, I love you.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Take a letter.

Bob Roland:
Who to?

Rufus T. Firefly:
To my dentist.

Rufus T. Firefly:
Uh… Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.

Bob Roland:
I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.

Rufus T. Firefly:
You do and I'll fire you.

Mrs. Teasdale:
As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia.

Rufus T Firefly:
Never mind that stuff, take a card. [Fans out a deck of playing cards]

Mrs. Teasdale:
[Picks one from the fan] Card? What do I do with the card?

Firefly:
You can keep it. I got fifty one left! Now, what were you saying?

Mrs. Teasdale:
As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.

Firefly:
Is that so? How late do you stay open?

Mrs. Teasdale:
I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.

Firefly:
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it; I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Trentino:
Your Excellency, haven't we seen each other somewhere before?

Firefly:
I don't think so; I'm not sure I'm seeing you now, it must be something I ate.

Trentino:
Look here, sir, are you trying to-?!

Firefly:
Don't look now... but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Firefly:
Not that I care, but where is your husband?

Mrs. Teasdale:
Why, he's dead.

Firefly:
I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

Mrs. Teasdale:
I was with him to the very end.

Firefly:
Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.

Mrs. Teasdale:
I held him in my arms and kissed him.

Firefly:
Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Mrs. Teasdale:
He left me his entire fortune.

Firefly:
Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you! [jumps into her arms]

Mrs. Teasdale:
Oh, your Excellency!

Firefly:
You're not so bad yourself.

Treasury minister:
Your Excellency, here's the Treasury department's report. I hope you'll find it clear.

Firefly:
"Clear?" Huh! Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report! (passes the report to Bob Roland) Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it. And now, members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.

Trade Minister:
I wish to discuss the tariff.

Firefly:
Sit down, that's new business. [pause] No old business? Very well, we'll take up new business.

Trade Minister:
Now about the tariff-

Firefly:
Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.

Secretary of War:
Gentlemen, as your Secretary of war-

Firefly:
The Secretary of War is out of order! Which reminds me, so is the plumbing. Make a note of that. Never mind, I'll do it myself.

Labor Minister:
The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.

Firefly:
Very well, then we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes. (the Cabinet exchange startled looks) Now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer.

Labor Minister:
But you appointed one last week!

Firefly:
That's the one I'm looking for!

Secretary of War:
Gentlemen, gentlemen. Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?

Firefly:
How about taking up the carpet?

Secretary of War:
I still insist we take up the tax!

Firefly:
[to Bob Roland] He's right—you've got to take up the tacks before you take up the carpet.

Secretary of War:
I give all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?

Firefly:
You get awfully tiresome after a while.

Secretary of War:
Sir, you try my patience.

Firefly:
I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.

Secretary of War:
That's the last straw! I resign. I wash my hands of the whole business!

Firefly:
Good idea. You can wash your neck too.

Vera:
Oh, for heaven's sake, don't make a sound. If you found, you lost.

Chicolini:
Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

Mrs. Teasdale:
But I saw you with my own eyes!

Chicolini:
[in disguise as Rufus T. Firefly] Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Chicolini:
Hello, boss!

Firefly:
Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.

Chicolini:
At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.

Officer:
Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.

Chicolini:
I object.

Officer:
[scoffs] Oh, you object? On what grounds?

Chicolini:
I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Firefly:
[raps gavel] Objection sustained.

Officer:
Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!

Firefly:
Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?

Chicolini:
I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?

Firefly:
Tanks.

Chicolini:
You're welcome.

Chicolini:
He's some smart dog. You know, he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole.

Firefly:
I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

Chicolini:
I think we should have a standing army.

Firefly:
Why should we have a standing army?

Chicolini:
Because that way we save money on chairs!

Rufus T. Firefly:
[locked in a closet] Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!

Rufus T. Firefly:
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Rufus T. Firefly:
[on a telephone] Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!

Mrs. Teasdale:
Ambassador Trentino is here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.

Firefly:
A lot of good that'll do him! He's still got the same face.