Early Man

Gravelle (with her arm raised):
Chief?

Chief Bobnar:
Yes, Gravelle?

Gravelle:
When I put my arm up, it hurts.

Chief Bobnar:
Well, don't do it, then.

Chief Bobnar:
Right, gather 'round, grab a spear.

Treebor:
(grabs a spear) Oh, it's pointy.

Magma:
Oh, Treebor, just get over there.

Treebor:
Oh, Mum...

Dug:
Morning, Barry.

Barry:
Morning, Dug.

Dug:
Mr. Rock coming hunting today?

Barry:
Oh yeah. Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Chief Bobnar:
Morning, Asbo. Change your underpants today?

Asbo:
Yep. Changed them with Thongo, Chief. Champion!

(Thongo grunts in agreement)

Gravelle (with her arm raised):
Chief?

Chief Bobnar:
Yes, Gravelle?

Gravelle:
When I put my arm up, it hurts.

Chief Bobnar:
Well, don't do it, then. (notices Grubup biting Eemak's leg) Grubup, don't eat that. That's Eemak.

Grubup:
Yum. (chuckles)

(Eemak speaks in Proto-Indo-European)

Chief Bobnar:
Exactly. Uh, right.

Dug:
Heads down, everyone.

Chief Bobnar:
Thank you, Dug.

Barry:
(shoulder-bumps Mr. Rock) Shh!

Chief Bobnar:
(clears throat) We give thanks for our valley, our home, this precious ground which sustains us and gives us shelter from the Badlands. (Dug breathes deeply) May we live in peace, balance, and harmony with our forest and all the creatures we share it with. (puts his hands together) Right, let's go kill something! (the cavemen cheer)

Chief Bobnar:
Dug, it's time to give up this football lark for their sake. They're just not capable of it.

Dug:
Don't you miss the valley, Chief?

Chief Bobnar:
The valley's gone now. And we're better off here in the Badlands than slaving down some mine. I mean, there's the odd giant duck around, but at least we're still together. We're still a tribe.

Dug:
But our ancestors played football. We know they did. I still believe we can do this.

Chief Bobnar:
With what? You haven't even got a ball to play with! (walks away) It's over.

Dug:
No. There is still time. (to Hognob) C'mon, Hognob.

Goona:
Hey! Don't touch the bronze.

Dug:
What?

Goona:
The bronze! Where have you been, the Stone Age?

Dug:
Uh...

Goona:
What?

Lord Nooth:
Alright. Secure the valley. Start mining ore.

Dino:
Or what, Lord Nooth?

Lord Nooth:
Ore, you fool. Start mining the ore. The metal that's in the ground.

Dino:
Oh, the ore... in the ground! Yes... (laughs) What about the primitives?

Lord Nooth:
(scoffs) Let them rot in the Badlands. They're low-achievers of history with their puny flints and drafty caves.

Dug:
(angrily but quietly) You've picked the wrong tribe to mess with. (grabs a stone axe and charges at Lord Nooth)

Lord Nooth:
"Oh, I'm so scared. You are waving your stones about." (Dug war-cries as he jumps at Lord Nooth) The Age of Stone is over, Dino. Long live the Age of Bronze. (bronze ball knocks Dug unconscious) Okay, let's get moving.

Bronzetrooper:
Of course, Lord Nooth.

Lord Nooth:
I'm late for my massage.

Dug:
We challenge the champions!

Lord Nooth:
What did you say?

Dino:
He said "We chall--" (interrupted by Lord Nooth)

Lord Nooth:
Yeah, I heard what he said.

Dug:
If we win, we keep our valley! You leave my tribe in peace!

Lord Nooth:
You think you can beat us at football? (after Dug nods, he laughs and the crowd joins in laughter) A match between the Bronze and the brutes? What an idea!

Dino:
Sacrilege, o premier leader.

Lord Nooth:
Yes, quite.

Dino:
The masses would flock to see such a vulgar spectacle. Pah!

Lord Nooth:
Hmm... (looks over the Schnookels) Really? For the valley, you say?

Dug:
(looks around the mine) Wha... Wha...? More cave paintings.

Lord Nooth:
Yes. Only these ones tell the whole story. You see, your ancestors did not just play football. They invented the game. You even taught other tribes how to play. But you had one problem: no matter how hard you try, you just always ended up losing. Match after match, game after game. (Dug sighs in disbelief) In fact, after many many moons... (cave painting of cavemen showing their butts can be seen) ...you just gave up altogether. It was all too painful for you. It turns out your tribe were totally crap at football. You're losers, caveman. Always have been, Always will be.

Dug:
No. No, it-it can be true!

Lord Nooth:
Do you really believe you can beat us tomorrow? Face it, caveman. You and your tribe, you just don't have it in you. But I am willing to offer you a deal. A way out. (the scene goes to Hognob finding tracks leading to the valley, then cuts back to the mine) Think it over, caveman, because the mine is waiting. For you and your primitive friends. (laughs evilly, offscreen)

Goona:
(passing out Real Bronzio cards) Make no mistake, these are the best players bronze can buy.

Asbo:
They're like ginormous, great, big footballing...giants!

Gravelle:
Oh, there's no way we can beat such a great team!

Goona:
They may be great, but what they're not is a team. They're 11 players who each think they're the star. That's their weakness. And that's how you can beat them.

Dug:
Goona's right. They may be better players than us, but we have something they don't.

Barry:
Moss?

Dug:
No, Barry, not moss. We got each other. And if we work together, then maybe we can do this.

(the cavemen agree)

Chief Bobnar:
Gonna start without us, Dug?

Dug:
Chief, we can't play this game.

Chief Bobnar:
What, because of a few paintings?

Dug:
(gasps) So you know about those terrible pictures?

Chief Bobnar:
They are terrible. I can draw better than that. But that's all they are: pictures. It's this lot that counts. You were right, Dug. I thought we were just rabbit hunters. Well, not anymore. You've shown me that. Who's playing with Dug for the valley?

(other cavemen cheer)

Asbo:
Champion!

Barry:
It's what Mr. Rock would've wanted.

(Goona hands over the trident to Dug)

Dug:
We challenge the champions! (he stabs the field with a trident near Jurgend's feet.)

(Jurgend scoffs)

Lord Nooth:
Your funeral, cavemen.

Queen Oofeefa:
So... (Dug turns around) ...you've reminded us how the beautiful game should be played. (Dug smiles) As for Lord Nooth... Uh, Nooth? Nooth?! Where is that...?

Dug:
Rat!

Queen Oofeefa:
Yes, quite. (sees Nooth in a rat costume dumping the Schnookels in the pouch) GUARDS! Apprehend that rodent!

Lord Nooth:
(drops chest) So long, suckers! (walks away)

Brian:
My word, Bryan. That Schnookel-grabbing scoundrel is making off with the profits.

Dug:
(to Goona) After you.

Bryan:
Aye, but will he get away? (Goona kicks the ball) Oh! Superb shot!

Brian:
And a rebound! (Dug kicks the ball which bounces back and hits Nooth in the head) That got him!

Bryan:
Aye, Nooth is on the backfoot now, Brian. (Nooth falls) Quite literally. (Chief Bobnar whistles, the giant duck grabs Nooth and shakes him around) Look at that. Caught by the old bill.

Brian:
Ah, Bryan. That's comedy bronze. Well done, my friend.

(the giant duck keeps shaking Nooth around, the Schnookels are flying, and the Bronze people rejoice)

Lord Nooth:
Ah! My lovely Schnookels! (falls to the ground, then the bronze plate fell on his head, causing him to faint)

Bronze Elderly Woman:
(catches her dinner plate) Ooh, refund!

Queen Oofeefa:
That should remind him of the pecking order, eh?

Dug:
(chuckles) Yeah!

Queen Oofeefa:
Oh, and, caveman, I think this is yours. (gives trophy to Dug) Symbol of a game sent from heaven.

Dug:
Thank you, your...bronze chiefness.

Queen Oofeefa:
And now I believe it's time you went home. (Dug looks up) To your valley.

Dug:
(turns to the other cavemen) We're going home.

(the cavemen cheer)

Dug:
You know we always hunt rabbits? Couldn't we try hunting something, you know, bigger?

Dug:
(repeated line) We challenge the champions!

Dug:
If we play this game and beat them at it, we can have our valley back.

Dug:
If we win, we keep our valley. You leave my tribe in peace.

Lord Nooth:
The Age of Stone is over, Dino. Long live the Age of Bronze.

Lord Nooth:
You're losers, caveman. Always have been, always will be.

Lord Nooth:
Take him away and kill him... slowly. [Guards start walking away with Dug really slowly] No! I meant take him away at normal speed and kill him slowly! Idiots!

Lord Nooth:
It turns out your tribe were totally crap at football.

Goona:
Where have you been, the Stone Age?

Goona:
You know, we may stand a chance. A small chance. But a chance.

Goona:
You’re pretty brave, caveman. And stupid. Actually, more stupid than brave really.

Chief Bobnar:
A rabbit!

Chief Bobnar:
To The Badlands!

Chief Bobnar:
Football? What's football? And how is it going to get our valley back?

Chief Bobnar:
At the end of the day, we're just a rabbit-hunting tribe.

Chief Bobnar:
Well, I'm not playing. I'm an old man. I'm nearly 32!

Chief Bobnar:
I don't think it's rabbits.