Eddie Murphy Delirious

Eddie Murphy:
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of sh*t in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the f*** going on in here?"

Eddie Murphy:
Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll f*** up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Eddie Murphy:
Bear and a rabbit were taking a sh*t in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Eddie Murphy:
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

Eddie Murphy:
Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherf***ers LIKED that sh*t. "I whish I was a slave, I would f*** somebody up! Sh*t, tell ME to bale some motherf***ing cotton! I would been on the street and sh*t, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, n*gger, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""

Eddie Murphy:
Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

Eddie Murphy:
I was kind of worried about going to Hollywood for the first time, you know. I was afraid I'd get out here and find out Mr. T was a f*ggot. It'd be like

Eddie Murphy:
Hey boy, hey boy! Lookin' mighty good in them jeans. Come over here and f*** me in the ass! Grrr! Grr! Don't stop or I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip off your dick!