Eddie Murphy Raw

Eddie Murphy:
Richard said, "The next time the motherf***er call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a f***. Whatever the f*** make the people laugh, say that sh*t. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the f*** up. Jello pudding-eating motherf***er."

Eddie Murphy:
There's a song out now called "Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent." So when a man asks a woman "Hey, baby! What's going on?" The woman will say, "The rent, motherf***er!"

Eddie Murphy:
Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherf***er, dick, p*ssy, snot, and sh*t. Good night!"

Eddie Murphy:
Hey, don't mind the cameras, everyone. They're filming a movie up in here. And

Eddie Murphy:
y'all gonna be in it! Only *I'm* the only one gonna get paid, the motherf***er.

Eddie Murphy:
I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the sh*t out of their kids.

Eddie Murphy:
After my list concert film, people were comin' up to me and sayin', "Michael Jackson is mad at you about making fun of him." I was like. "so?" Then somebody told me that Mr. T was mad at me and I got worried. Then I thought, "I"ve seen his movies and he don't seem too bright, so I'll use the old Jedi mind trick on him". So, I met him at a party and he said

Eddie Murphy:
Hey boy, hear you been talkin' about me!

Eddie Murphy:
No, I haven't.

Eddie Murphy:
Okay, you haven't been talkin' about me. Then somebody told me. "You have to watch out for them quiet dudes like Michael Jackson, he might be one mean mother when he's mad." Yeah like Michael's gonna come up to me and say

Eddie Murphy:
"Eddie Murphy! You don't quit makin' fun of me, I'm gonna come over there and moonwalk all over your ass!"

Eddie Murphy:
White people can't dane. I'm not being racist it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those n*ggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And thy're like, "Look at these crazy muthaf***as." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

Eddie Murphy:
She whined, "What have you done for me LATELY Eddie?" I was like..."B*TCH! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"