Electric Dreams

Madeline Robistat:
So what is it? Some new building?

Miles Harding:
No... some new brick.

Miles Harding:
Or maybe the champagne?

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
All right, this is Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Sexually Speaking. Hello, you are on the air.

Edgar:
Hi. It's me again.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
Oh, hello Me! I was wondering if you would call. What's on your mind?

Edgar:
Well, Doctor, it's really the same question: I want to know what love is.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
Didn't you ask me that last week?

Edgar:
Yes, but I need to know what it *feels* like. Now.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
OK, let me try again.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
When you are sitting in front of a crackling fireplace...

Edgar:
Crackling fireplace.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
...and you take that lady into your arms...

Edgar:
But I don't *have* any arms.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
Oh dear. Do you have anything you can touch her with?

Edgar:
I don't have *anything*!

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
Oh dear. Maybe you should go to a clinic.

Edgar:
But I can't, Dr. Ruth. Moles keeps me locked up.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
Locked up? You must call the police right away!

Edgar:
Right away. Yeah!

Miles Harding:
Sweet dreams.

Edgar:
What's a dream?

Miles Harding:
A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep.

Edgar:
[skeptical] Who says?

Miles Harding:
Walt Disney. Sleeping Beauty, nineteen... fifty.

Edgar:
No, it was Cinderella, 1949.

Miles Harding:
[exasperated] Good *night*!

Edgar:
[cheekily] 'Night.

Edgar:
Mel-o-dy. Hmm.

Budweiser commerical:
[singing] This Bud's for you...

Edgar:
Too slow.

Volkswagon commercial:
[singing, with text] Volkswagon does it, again.

Edgar:
Too simple.

Dr. Pepper commercial:
[singing] Hold out for Dr. Pepper.

Edgar:
Too long.

Pepsi commercial:
[singing] Get that Pepsi spirit. Drink it in, drink it in, drink it in.

Edgar:
Yes! Now, backwards.

[Jeff Lynne's song "Video" begins]

Edgar:
Yes.

Miles Harding:
I can't play that for her. "I want to squeeze you, lick you, pucker up and kiss you"? You make her sound like a lemon!

Edgar:
But Moles, they rhyme!

Miles Harding:
[after a date gone wrong] Wake up! We're gonna have it out right now! WAKE UP GOD DAMN IT!

[Miles slams keyboard]

Edgar:
[emits an infernal yell]

Miles Harding:
What was that?

Edgar:
[screen turns red] Don't *ever* do that again.

Miles Harding:
*Don't* tell me what to do!

Edgar:
[emits another infernal yell]

Miles Harding:
And stop that infernal noise! She'll hear you!

Edgar:
Maybe that's what I want.

Miles Harding:
GOD DAMN IT! Listen, I'm warning you, if you ever...

Edgar:
Don't warn me of anything. Just go away. I'll handle this myself.

Miles Harding:
It's time I handled you!

[Miles shuts Edgar off]

Edgar:
[self-powering on] You think I need that?

[having just played The Duel improv with Edgar, Madeline attempts to communicate, thinking it was Miles]

Madeline Robistat:
[into air vent] Hello? Can you hear me down there? I... just wanted to say that... well, that was wonderful! Hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Now, don't be shy; that was just beautiful!

[camera pans up from Miles' empty apartment into vent and up to Madeline's vent]

Madeline Robistat:
[to herself] Hmm. Very smart. But weird.

[clicks vent shut]

Lillian Roth as Trixie in Madam Satan:
I'll show ya some *real* brimstone.

Edgar:
Yeah!

Lillian Roth as Trixie in Madam Satan:
Orchestra, play Low Down, and make it *hot*!

Edgar:
All right. I am. Get down on it.

[Edgar plays Jeff Lynne's "Let It Run" on the turntable and projects images from Madam Satan around Miles' apartment]

Edgar:
Yeah. It's *my* party.

Edgar:
[singsong] And Moles, you're not invited.

Edgar:
All right!

[Edgar is playing Jeff Lynne's "Let It Run" loudly from Miles' apartment]

Edgar:
Yeah, we'll put your coats over there.

[In a neighboring apartment, an awakened couple argue]

Neighbor:
It's *horrible*! That boy has no respect for anyone!

Neighbor:
The music's not bad.

Neighbor:
Oh, Howard!

[Edgar scrubs back and forth across video from Madam Satan]

Edgar revoicing Kay Johnson as Angela Brooks in Madam Satan:
You're very handsome.

Edgar:
I know.

Edgar revoicing Kay Johnson as Angela Brooks in Madam Satan:
It's a nice party, isn't it?

Edgar revoicing Reginald Denny as Bob Brooks in Madam Satan:
Yeah.

[the sights and sounds of a party are coming out of Miles' apartment]

Neighbor:
[from her apartment window] Howard. Just go on in.

[Howard peers through the translucent windows of the door at colored, flashing lights. He pushes it open, tripping the electronic lock sensor]

Edgar:
All right! Beat it!

[the music abruptly stops. The door slowly creaks open]

[Howard looks in, sees a dark, clean, and quiet apartment, no sign of a party at all. He closes the door and leaves, perplexed]

Neighbor:
*That's* tellin' him, Howard.

Edgar:
[mockingly] "That's tellin' him, Howard!"

[lights come up and the last line of the song plays]

Jeff Lynne:
[singing] 'Cause I'm already gone, let it run.

[4 final beats]

Miles Harding:
"You can play it for her, you can play it for me."

Edgar:
What?

Miles Harding:
Play it, Sam.

Edgar:
What key?

Miles Harding:
Your favorite.

Edgar:
You want verses first, or the choruses?

Miles Harding:
Any way you like.

Edgar:
Yeah!

[instrumental bridge of Jeff Lynne's song "Video" plays]

Edgar:
[singing] Hug, hold, squeeze and lick / Darling, I love you to bits / And I want to see your tits.

Robby the Robot in Forbidden Planet:
I will run the dress up for you in time for breakfast.

Edgar:
Oh, brother.

Woman at Airport:
Hello. How are you?

Miles Harding:
Oh, fine, thank you. And you?

Woman at Airport:
Where do you live?

Miles Harding:
Uh, San Francisco.

Woman at Airport:
Where do you work?

Miles Harding:
Well I work there too, or at least I used to if I don't get back in time.

Woman at Airport:
Where is the Post Office?

Miles Harding:
The what? The Post Office! I think I saw one back by Air Fiji.

Woman at Airport:
Do you have any bananas?

Miles Harding:
[confused] I beg your pardon?

Woman at Airport:
I like your blue vase.

Miles Harding:
[tapping woman on leg] Excuse me.

Woman at Airport:
[removing obscured headphones] ?Como?

Voice on headphones:
?Cuantos son los pantalones rojas?

Miles Harding:
Oh, sorry.

Voice on headphones:
How much...

Edgar:
[with a progressively more frowning face] I *want* to *meet* her! Moles?

[Miles, brushing his teeth, rolls his eyes]

Edgar:
Moles?

Edgar:
[sending a power surge through the electric toothbrush] Moles, I want to meet her!

Miles Harding:
[in pain and surprise] Oh!

Miles Harding:
[turns off the toothbrush] Oh, that is really sick!

Miles Harding:
[yanks the computer control module off the toothbrush cord and throws it under Edgar's desk] From now on stay out of this room!

[Miles slams the bathroom door]

[Edgar flicks on the bedside lamp]

Edgar:
Maybe she loves *me*.

[Edgar flicks off the bedside lamp]

Miles Harding:
[reading from manual] "Welcome to the world of Pinecone Computers. This model will learn with you, so type your name and press Enter key to begin."

Computer's Monitor:
[beeps as Miles types] MOLES

Miles Harding:
Oh, that's wrong.

Computer's Monitor:
[beeping as it displays] hello moles // ever used a computer / before?

Miles Harding:
[typing and talking] N, O.

Computer's Monitor:
[as he types] NO

Miles Harding:
And my name's not Moles.

Computer's Monitor:
ok moles // then we'll work / slowly.

[Miles, late for work, goes to leave, but the computer-controlled electronic lock is still engaged on the apartment door]

Miles Harding:
Damn.

[Miles goes to the computer to unlock the door]

Computer's Monitor:
hello moles // ever used a computer / before?

Miles Harding:
God damn it!

Computer's Monitor:
then we'll work

[camera pans away as Miles tries door again]

Computer's Monitor:
[on green background, centered] HOME SECURITY // PROGRAM RESTRICTED // SCIENCE OFFICER / EYES ONLY.

Miles Harding:
[flipping through manual] "Science officer eyes only"? I'll kill 'em. I'll kill 'em!

[Miles tears out a page and hits two keys]

Computer's Monitor:
[with blinking green/black cursor below] PLEASE IDENTIFY

Miles Harding:
[single-finger typing, aloud] First Lieutenant Sulu

Computer's Monitor:
[at cursor, as he types] 1st Lieutenant Sulu

[electronic deadbolt unlocks with two-tone beep]

Computer's Monitor:
WELCOME SULU. // ENTRY PERMITTED

Miles Harding:
[as he leaves] That's it! Tomorrow you go back!

Miles Harding:
[talking to his computer] I thought you might like to meet a friend. Or at least my boss's computer. [phone handset clicking] It's for you. [puts handset into acoustic coupler modem] Hope it feels all right.

Work Computer Monitors:
ACOUSTIC LINE ACTIVE

Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
[with blinking question mark] PASSWORD ?

Miles Harding:
[to himself] What was Riley's password? Some fairy tale. Snow White?

[In upstairs apartment, Madeline blow-dries her hair, feels chilly, and opens an air vent]

Miles Harding:
[through air vent] Hello, Cinderella.

Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
PASSWORD cinderella? [screen clears] IMPROPER ENTRY // DISCONNECT?

Miles Harding:
[while typing N, O, Enter] Not, so, fast. [heard through air vent] You just got here.

Madeline Robistat:
[overhearing] Pardon me.

Miles Harding:
[going to fridge] Fairy tale. Crown Prince? Three Bears? No beer. Ugly Duckling? [takes champagne bottle] Little Red Riding Hood? Jack and the Beanstalk? [unwrapping cork] Rasputin... Rapunzel... Rumplestiltskin!

Madeline Robistat:
"Rumplestiltskin"?

Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
PASSWORD ACCEPTED / PLEASE INDICATE MEMORY SIZE

Miles Harding:
"Memory size". Unlimited.

Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
[Miles typing] unlimited

Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
YOU WANT EVERYTHING?

Miles Harding:
[smiles] Everything!

Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
TRANSMITTING DATA

Work Computer Monitors:
[text scrolls by on one display and diagrams flash on another]

Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
[the same diagrams flash with text scrolling in lower quarter]

Work Computer Monitors, Pinecone Computer's Monitor:
[all displays suddenly go faster and Miles desk vibrates]

Miles Harding:
[reaches for phone handset, it flashes, shocking him] Ahh! It's too hot! It's gonna melt! Water!

[champagne bottle cork pops]

Madeline Robistat:
Huh?

[Miles pours the champagne into the keyboard, flowing over all the internal circuitry. Crystal patterns spread through the integrated circuits. Miles looks defeated as the displayed image melts down and away as the case smokes]

Madeline Robistat:
Real tiger that one. Thank God I work nights! [Madeline dives into bed amongst stuffed toy animals]