Ellen

Ellen:
Stray dogs, hungry people. Come on people, the solution is obvious.

Margaret:
Ellen, Ellen, where are you?

Ellen:
[walks out of a coat closet] Here, I was in the closet.

Margaret:
It's big isn't it?

Ellen:
Yeah, but I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time in there, entertaining or anything.

Ellen:
I think you owe Joe an apology.

Ed Billick:
What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry you're a lazy, incompetent slob and I had to fire you?"

Ellen:
Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Ellen Morgan:
[opening lines] Well, let's see... the first time... I was with a man. And then I was with a woman for a little while. Then, I was with a man again. Then... another man. Let's see... then woman... woman... man... woman... and then another man. And lately I'm beginning to think that it doesn't really matter if it's a man or a woman. It's the person that counts. But one thing I know for sure is that I cannot keep going from therapist to therapist like this.

Holly:
Can I watch TV? Thanks!

Laurie Manning:
Okay, but don't go flipping the channels, because you never know what's going to be on.

Ellen Morgan:
Oh, come on. I'm sure if there was something objectionable on, there'll be a warning.

Spence Kovak:
Ellen, this is rock and roll camp fantasy camp. You can be anyone you want to be here. Melissa Ethridge, k.d. lang, the Indigo Girls, Tina Turner.

Ellen Morgan:
Tina Turner? You mean...

Spence Kovak:
Oh, yeah.

Ellen Morgan:
All right!

Ellen Morgan:
I can't believe it. Emma Thompson is gay.

Paige Clark:
So what? Half this town is gay, and the other half pretends to be gay in order to kiss up to David Geffen.

Sgt. Timko:
That does it, Morgan! Get down on the ground and give me 20!

Ellen Morgan:
I don't have a $20 bill. Will you take two 10's?

[after catching Ellen making out with her former beau Dan]

Spence Kovak:
What the hell kind of lesbian are you?

TV Announcer:
[voice-over] This series contains adult subject matter. Parental discretion is advised. Strongly, STRONGLY advised!

[the opening theme to "Mad About You" is heard on the TV]

Ellen Morgan:
It's so silly that they give a warning for that show just because Helen Hunt kisses that guy.

Ellen Morgan:
How long have you been seeing her?

Joe Farrell:
Four months now.

Ellen Morgan:
Four months? Why didn't you tell me about this?

Joe Farrell:
Well, Madeline is a little older than I am. I didn't want to be judged on something so irrevelent as age.

Ellen Morgan:
Joe, who am I to judge anybody on relationships? I only hope that if one day I have a slightly odd relationship, you will not judge me.

Ellen Morgan:
I'm really happy for you.

Joe Farrell:
Well... thanks. It finally feels great to get this out in the open. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to keep this a secret? Living a lie? Scared of what others might think about you?

Ellen Morgan:
No.

Ellen Morgan:
Well, I'd better get home. I don't want to butt in. I'm sure you two want to be alone.

Laurie Manning:
What? Oh no, Ellen. Maura and I are not a couple.

Maura:
Oh no... no, no, no. I know it's not trendy, but I still like men. Except for the one I married who never leaves the house.

Peter:
Ellen, you're getting way to hung up on the physical part of it. Laurie is not going to scorn you like at the Olympics.

Ellen:
Thank God. I hate to wait another four years to try it again.

Peter:
Let me tell you about the first night I spent with Barrett.

Ellen:
No thank you!

Peter:
We didn't do anything. He had to work late at the studio the night before. He showed up at my place exhausted. We were sitting on the couch talking over a glass of wine, and he just fell asleep. So, I lay there in his arms, resting my head against his chest, all night, listening to his heart beating. It was the most comforting sound I ever heard. After years of feeling that nobody understood me, I didn't belong... I felt like I was finally home.

Ellen:
Wow... I wanna sleep with Barrett.

Ellen Morgan:
Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

Holly:
Like what?

Ellen Morgan:
Start at the beginning.

Holly:
I was conceived through artificial insemination.

[Spence's girlfriend, Denise, arrives in weired multi-colored facial makeup]

Alien Denise:
Hi, Spence. I am I late?

Spence Kovak:
Denise?

Alien Denise:
Oh, I just came from the set. They're shooting a Babylon 5 episode and I have to go back later for some pick-up shots.

Paige Clark:
[whispering to Spence] Couldn't find anybody in this galaxy, huh?

Spence Kovak:
[whispering back; embarrassed] Shut up.

Paige:
What are you doing in here?

Spence:
I'm playing "Crimson Tide" and I'm waiting for Denzel Washington to punch me in the face. I'm taking a bath, what does it look like I'm doing?

Ellen:
This cannot be real. I mean, I know it's a dream and I'm gonna wake up and you'll be there and you'll be there...

Joe Farrell:
What about me, your old pal Joe?

Audrey:
Ellen, I know exactly what's happening. She's going through the five stages of grief. [loudly] ELLEN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Ellen:
Yes, Audrey. I don't think that deafness is one of the stages.

Audrey:
Okay. What you're going through is perfectly normal. You're in the first stage of grief, which is denial.

Ellen:
If I could just change today I would do anything.

Audrey:
Okay, now you're in stage three: bargaining. You completely skipped over anger.

Ellen:
Shut up, Audrey!

Audrey:
There it is!

Margaret:
Ellen? Ellen, where are you?

Ellen:
[walks out of a coat closet] Here, I was in the closet.

Margaret:
It's big, isn't it?

Ellen:
Yeah, but I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time in there, entertaining or anything.

Ellen:
I want to know why. Why you're separating. There's got to be a reason.

Lois Morgan:
I know you want some big answer like that I found your father in bed with another woman but it just didn't happen that way.

Harold Morgan:
Amen to that. What happened was the other night, we were sitting in the kitchen eating some of your mom's famous broasted chicken and she looked up at me and she said, "What are we going to do for the rest of our lives?" I said, "I don't know." And that was it.

Lois Morgan:
We just sort of... fell out of love I guess.

Ellen:
So you fell out of love. You can fall back in love. It's like bell bottoms, wait 15 years it'll come back around again.

Harold Morgan:
Honey, I wish there was some way we can make this easy for you, but we can't.

Ellen:
This so out of nowhere. Put yourself in my shoes. What if I said something shocking to you like my whole life has been a lie, and I'm really... left-handed?

Lois Morgan:
Oh God, you're a lefty?

Ellen:
No I'm not...

Ellen Morgan:
Of course he's guilty.

Paige Clark:
But are they going to find him guilty? I met the brother-in-law of the ex-boyfriend of the courtroom stenographer and she says: "no way".

Ellen Morgan:
Yeah, well my dry cleaner, and I give him a lot of business so that he's not about to lie to me, his cousin works in the prison laundry and he met the ex-wife of one of his golfing buddies and ex-football teammates who said that he said that he really did it.

Paige Clark:
What did he say exactly?

Ellen Morgan:
I don't know. "Yep, I did it. I killed her. What more can I say?" Or... something like that.

Paige Clark:
I have our whole day worked out. We're going hiking at Topengia Canyon, and then going to the beach.

Ellen Morgan:
I can't. I'm going apartment hunting with Audrey.

Paige Clark:
Audrey? Blow her off.

Ellen Morgan:
I can't. I don't like her enough.

Paige Clark:
But you just blew me off.

Ellen Morgan:
That's 'cause I like you. I don't feel guilty when I blow you off. Belive me, if I didn't like you, if we weren't so close, I'd spend so much time with you.

Little Paige:
Why would Megan O'Connell do this to me? Why would she put gum in my hair.

Little Ellen:
Paige, I need to tell you something. I...

[little Ellen hesitates as little Paige looks at her]

Little Paige:
Yes?

Little Ellen:
Uh... that was really mean for her to put gum in your hair. But it could have been a lot worse, she could have put... uh... hair in your gum. And when you're chewing it and... you feeling something hanging in the back of your throat like a hairball or something and then you'd cough like this... [little Ellen coughs like a gagging sound]

Therapist:
So, obviously you didn't "click" with Richard.

[Ellen shakes her head]

Therapist:
Was there ever anyone you felt you did "click" with?

[Ellen nods her head]

Therapist:
And what was his name?

Ellen:
Susan.

Ellen:
You know how, uh, you know, you said in the room, you know, that you thought maybe I was... and I said no... no no no no... well, um, uh, I I I was thinkin' about it, you know? And I think that maybe I'm, um, I am, uh, I guess what I'm trying to say is: I did get the joke about the toaster oven.

Susan:
So, are you saying what I think you're trying to say?

Ellen:
What do you think I'm trying to say?

Susan:
Oh, I'm not going to say it again and be wrong.

Ellen:
No, you're not wrong. You're right. This is, uh, this is so hard. But I I I I think I've realized that I am... I can't even say the word. Why can't I say the word? I mean, why can't I just say... I mean, what is wrong? Why do I have to be so ashamed? I mean, why can't I just say the truth? I mean, be who I am. I'm thirty-five-years-old. I'm so afraid to tell people. I mean, I just... Susan...

[Ellen leans forward towards Susan and inadvertently leans right in front of an PA microphone for the airplane terminal]

Ellen:
[loud voice over the microphone] I'm gay!

Audrey:
So, what should we call you, gay or lesbian?

Ellen:
How about "Ellen"?

Audrey:
You've been living in our world, now we want to experience your world.

Ellen:
Since when did my world become a lesbian coffeehouse?

Audrey:
The man has oppressed our people long enough. United we stand. Divided we fall. Queer nation one and all.

Ellen:
For the last time, Audrey, you're not a lesbian.

Audrey:
Well, I could be if it wasn't for my insatiable appetite for men.

Paige:
I still can't believe that Ellen is gay.

Spence:
Well, I always thought for a while she might be. I mean she could always run faster than I could, throw a ball farther, climb a tree faster...

Joe Farrell:
Did you ever think maybe YOU were gay?

Therapist:
Well, Ellen... I am going to say this even though I may be out of line... but good for you. You're gay. So, what are you going to do now?

Ellen Morgan:
I'm going to Disneyland!

Therapist:
No, I mean do you plan on talking to your friends?

Ellen Morgan:
Of course. I'm not gonna stop talking to them just because I'm... Oh, you mean telling them that I'm gay? Oh, no. That's none of their business.

Therapist:
Well, do you think you would feel more comfortable talking to your parents?

[Ellen's eyes widen with fear]

Ellen Morgan:
All right, you win. I'll talk to my friends.

Ellen Morgan:
Do you think this is a bad idea? Telling people that I'm gay?

Peter Barnes:
Believe me, Ellen. Telling people is always hard. I remember when I came out to my parents. It was one summer when I was younger. I sat them down on our couch and said to them: "Mom, Dad, I've struggled with this for a long time. But this is who I am. Now, I can only hope you can be happy for me." For the rest of the summer, they remained silent. But the following autumn when I entered kindergarten, they were 100% behind me.

Therapist:
Have you ever had this dream before?

Ellen Morgan:
Oh, not in a grocery store. Usually, I'm in a hardware store having lesbian keys made up.

Therapist:
Ellen, these dreams mean that your inner guilt about denying who you are is eating away at you. If you keep this to yourself, you're just going to continue having these dreams. And then it's going to start showing up in your waking life as these little clues that start getting more and more obvious, and eventually... tiresome.

Adam Green:
You may as well walk in there wearing an "I am a sucker" T-shirt.

Ellen:
I actually have one of those. I can't believe I paid $60 for it!

Lois Morgan:
Ellen... I really wish that you would get married. I really want grandchildren.

Ellen Morgan:
[sarcastic] No? Oh my God, I will then!

Lois Morgan:
Good, because I want you to carry on what I...

Ellen Morgan:
[interrupting; angry tone] Mom, just shut up! For once in your crazy life, just shut the hell up and let me talk without you interrupting me every five seconds! I know you want me to get married. You and Dad say that EVERY TIME we talk! Ever time we talk on the phone... from every birthday card or letter I get from you... it's always: "Ellen, when are you going to get married? When are ya gonna get married? When are ya gonna get married?" Well, here's the thing: I don't need a husband or a man to make my life complete. I'm not going to have the high-paying job you want me to have. I'm not going to date the men you want me to date. I'm not going to wear the clothes you want me to wear. I'm not going to style my hair the same way you style yours. Damn it, stop trying to run my life! It's my life and I'm going to run it my way. Just face it, all those things that you want for me... getting married, having many kids, joining a bridge club... those are the things that YOU want. Stop trying to live your mentally unhinged life through me! I am not you! I will never be you!

Lois Morgan:
[shaken] Okay... well who's up for the next round? Shall we... oh, who am I kidding?

[to Harold as she gets up to walk out the door]

Lois Morgan:
Come on Harold, let's go home where we don't have to be honest with each other!

Ellen Morgan:
How about you? Do you have anything you want to tell me?

Lois Morgan:
Not off the top of my head, no...

Ellen Morgan:
Oh c'mon, not even one little white lie?

Lois Morgan:
Not all of us are as immersed in deceit as you are, dear.

Dr. Whitcomb:
Thank you very much for the brownies.

Lois Morgan:
Oh, you're welcome! I made them without nuts. I figured you see enough of those.

[last lines]

Ellen Morgan:
You want to go and see a movie? Batman 3?

Paige Clark:
My idea?

Ellen Morgan:
You know, I'm going to be in a movie this summer.

Paige Clark:
[sarcastic] Shut up!

Ellen Morgan:
I mean it.

Paige Clark:
Yeah right, and I'm going to star in a Broadway musical.

Ellen Morgan:
Okay, now you're just being stupid.

The Judge:
Ellen Morgan, you are charged with creating a public disturbance and vagrancy. How do you plead?

Ellen Morgan:
One-hundred percent not guilty!

[Paige is trying on a skimpy wedding dress for Lois]

Lois Morgan:
Oh, no. I couldn't possibly pull that off.

Paige Clark:
Sure you could... right over your head!

[Ellen is trying on a long wedding dress while holding a white umbrella making her look like Little Bo Peep]

Lois Morgan:
My little girl.

Ellen Morgan:
Don't cry, Mom. I'll find my sheep.

Ellen:
[Reading a poem at the renewal of her parents' vows] There once was a man named Morgan, who was blessed with a very large... OKAY!

[into a telphone]

Joe Farrell:
Hello, Sting? Joe Farrell here. I need you to organize a benefit concert for my brother. Yeah, Buck's being cained in Singapore for vandalism. Yeah... I know it's terrible. Do you have Peter Gabriel's number? No? Well, grab a pencil.

Joe Farrell:
[into the phone] Buck? Oh, Buck thank God I finally got a hold of you! You don't know what I've been through for you. I think I have a way of getting you out of jail there. What you're going to have to do... [the wedding march theme is heard in the background] Sorry, man I gotta go! [hangs up]

Audrey:
This is so exciting. We're like Thelma and Louise. And Paige.