Ellery Queen

Inspector Richard Queen:
Why don't we cut all the banana oil...

Lorelei Farnsworth:
But I don't understand why Roger killed him.

Inspector Richard Queen:
[Roger has a pushy wife] Must have been something he married.

Sgt. Thomas Velie:
We've had nothing but murders and robberies lately.

Ellery Queen:
Post-war prosperity, Velie.

Lady Daisy Frawley:
Well, I never!

Marcus Halliday:
Oh, but you have, my dear - often!

Ellery Queen:
Are you with me? You may even be way ahead of me. Now, it's not that difficult to figure out why Halliday called Kemmelman - a man he never met, a man he never knew. Remember, he had to have known who stabbed him. The knife was wedged in that phone booth, so he couldn't crawl out, and he knew he couldn't talk, so why call the police when he couldn't say anything? So he did the next best thing. Since he didn't have a pencil or a paper, he left us the only clue he could to the murderer's identity. You got the same answer I do?

Marcus Halliday:
Really, Paul, if you must steal, you should show some imagination.

Erwin Murphy:
Inspector Queen, the commissioner assures me that you're beyond reproach. I'll accept his recommendation.

Inspector Richard Queen:
I'll say thanks when I find out what I've been recommended for.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Ellery, I've got it! I know who killed Ralph Caesar!

Ellery Queen:
He does, too. That movie had a clue. Oh, you probably caught it about the same time Dad did. Now, the other important thing to remember is the real reason Ralph Caesar was going to testify in front of the grand jury. Have you got it? Who killed Caesar? Velie didn't do it. Was it Jim Millay? Erwin Murphy? Lee Marx? Ben Franks? Or was Bonner's dying statement a lie? Or was it somebody else? I'll give you a hint: Shakespeare was wrong. Nobody is above suspicion.

Inspector Richard Queen:
I used to like this old office. Today it depresses me.

Inspector Richard Queen:
All right, Velie: what have you got on a suspect I haven't even heard of?

Ellery Queen:
Have you got it? If you've been watching very closely, you may have seen something I missed until just now. Who killed Alec Nivin? Was it Sonia Dubrinskoff, her husband Alexei, Fourchet the photographer, that antique dealer Easterbrook, or somebody else? Like Barney Groves, or that character from the NKVD? No, it was not Jenny, but I'll give you a clue. Somebody's alibi is all wet.

Inspector Richard Queen:
[Door bell rings] I'm coming, I'm coming... oh... ah.

Jenny O'Brien:
Good morning Inspector!

Inspector Richard Queen:
Morning.

Jenny O'Brien:
Ah... is Ellery up?

Inspector Richard Queen:
I think he's in the kitchen. I smell toast burning!

Jenny O'Brien:
I hope I didn't wake you up.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Oh no no, I had to get up. The door bell was ringing.

Louise Demery:
Queen... Queen! He's not the fella who wrote all the whodunits?

Vera Bethune, Miss Aggie:
The very same.

Louise Demery:
Oh, my dear - I thought you said he was an author!

Ellery Queen:
Now, I'm pretty sure I know who killed Vera Bethune. How about you? Was it Lawrence Denver, Miss Aggie's co-star, or Anita Leslie, the young actress who was going to replace her? It might have been Wendell Warren, the announcer, and don't forget Mary Lou Gumm was in the studio that morning. Or... it might have been someone else, someone who wasn't in the studio. It's possible.

Inspector Richard Queen:
[on the phone after a popular actress has been murdered] I understand, Your Honor... Your wife, eh?... Well, I guess we all loved her in our own way, sir... Yes, sir, I'm on my way downtown this minute... Thank you, sir. [hangs up] That was the Mayor. His wife is in mourning for Miss Aggie.

Simon Brimmer:
This is not a police case! This is a private murder!

Inspector Richard Queen:
"PRIVATE" murder?

Ellery Queen:
How do you have it figured? Was it the wife, or the comic, or the stripper, or the angel, or one of the long shots? Now, there's something I should have caught the first day I came here. Once you figure out how, you'll know who.

DoDo:
That's the one I can never remember. Lemme see: [starts to practice dance steps] one, two, one-two-three. What comes next?

Risky Ross:
Try "four".

Zelda Van Dyke:
Arthur writes for the Examiner. Obituaries. He's been practicing on mine.

Ellery Queen:
Now, why didn't I think of this before? Probably because it's so simple. The impossible crime is not only possible, I know who killed Henry Manners. It was somebody who knew his rigid work schedule, somebody who knew how to get to him, and still have an alibi. Now, that's all the information you need. Oh, don't forget: three buttons were pushed.

Mitchell McCully:
Now are there any more questions? No? Well, if you don't mind, since my column for tomorrow is put to bed, I would like to do the same thing for myself.

Ellery Queen:
Simon Brimmer thinks he can wrap up this case with a birth certificate.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Please. Not while I'm eating.

Ellery Queen:
Obviously Brimmer knows something we don't.

Inspector Richard Queen:
You don't want me to enjoy myself, do you?

Ellery Queen:
Something that hasn't turned up in the police investigation - unless you've got something you haven't told me.

Inspector Richard Queen:
I've got something. Heartburn.

Ellery Queen:
Well, I think I know what happened. Do you? This bottle of Morningstar wine not being where Nick Kingston thought it was should give you the solution. You know who the killer is now? Was it John Randall? Eddie Morgan? Nancy McGuire? The Amazing Armitage? Alexander the wine steward? Or somebody else? Let's find out. Auf weidersehn!

Eddie Morgan:
You know Nick, he doesn't like mind-reading acts; they remind him of his ex-wife.

Ellery Queen:
Dad, I've had your home remedies before, and I'd really rather have the cold.

Inspector Richard Queen:
It's just tea! Look! [he takes a sip] Needs more gin.

Ellery Queen:
Well, you've seen all the clues-have you got it? I think I do. Now, the important things to remember-besides what happened to the door-are the brandy snifter on the carpet and the bruise on Manning's knee. Have you got it now? I hope so.

Magda Szomony:
If there's anything worse than a sore loser, it's a sore winner.

Ellery Queen:
Dad, I think I forgot. I'm not sure I forgot, but I think I forgot.

Ellery Queen:
I know who killed Eben Wright, and I'll bet you do, too. The fireplace poker is important because it wasn't used. Oh, and don't forget the puncture in the victim's right thumb - and the murder weapon. Got it?

Inspector Richard Queen:
I came to catch trout, not murderers. Enjoy yourself; I'm going fishing.

Bud Armstrong:
Our readers are children! Millions of bloodthirsty little kids, and we give them what they want!

Ellery Queen:
Now I know what Bud Armstrong was trying to tell me. Do you know? You have all the clues: the blue pencil, the mark on the drawing - this mark. Oh, and don't forget the gun. Don't forget the fact that it was unloaded when I saw it before the murder. And what else... oh, you might also consider all the jobs of the suspects. Got it? OK, let's find out if we're right.

Inspector Richard Queen:
[as Ellery goes to answer the front doorbell] If that's Velie, tell him I'm not interested in any homicide cases at the moment! I'm reading Orphan Annie!

Hamilton Drew:
Curiosity leads to discovery, they say.

Buck Nolan:
Don't they also say something about it killing the cat?

Ellery Queen:
You have all the clues-but do you know which ones point to the killer? That melted wax helped me put it together. Remember the white powder on the floor of the airplane, and don't forget the ransom note that was put back the wrong way, and don't forget the sinker, and-well, that's it. You got it? Let's find out.

Ellery Queen:
It was five years ago.

The Broadcaster, Marvin:
I've got an alibi! I know exactly what I was doing five years ago.

Ellery Queen:
What?

The Broadcaster, Marvin:
Seven years.

Claude Sitwell:
[Inspector Queen has asked Sitwell to identify a card. Sitwell glances at it] Sorry: I can't help you.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Sorry: I don't believe you.

Claude Sitwell:
Inspector, I believe you're calling me a liar.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Maybe just deliberately forgetful.

Ellery Queen:
Well, there you have it. Who do you think killed Lamont Franklin? Was it his widow Carol, or his brother-in-law, Doug Carmichael? How about Claude Sitwell, or Roger Woods, or his wife Emily? How about Billy Geeter, or was it someone else? Now, I'll tell you one thing: that wire spindle is very important. You got the message? Let's see.

Ellery Queen:
I don't like to read other people's mail.

Frank Flannigan:
Then I'll read it!

Ellery Queen:
Well, have you figured it out? If you've been watching closely, you've probably worked it out, too. Was it Florence? Max the copy writer? Or did Jerry Crabtree stab Long? How about Horace Manley? Or did Rita Radcliffe make good on her threat? Or was it somebody else? No, it wasn't Flannigan, and the waiter didn't do it. I'll give you a hint: it's later than you think.

Frank Flannigan:
VERA! [Vera comes running, carrying a thermos] Where have you been? It's almost time to go on the air, and there's nobody here but me!

Vera:
I've been over watching the butter commercial. I brought you some coffee, F.F.

Frank Flannigan:
I don't want any! I'm losing my marbles and you're bringing me coffee!

Vera:
I'm sure you'll want this coffee, F.F. It's the kind of coffee [with a meaningful look] that you drink in the office.

Inspector Richard Queen:
[has walked into the kitchen to find that Ellery has taken apart the kitchen sink] Ellery?

Ellery Queen:
Oh, good morning, Dad.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Dare I ask what you're doing?

Ellery Queen:
I'm fixing the sink. It's been dripping.

Inspector Richard Queen:
It's been dripping for three years.

Ellery Queen:
Really?

Inspector Richard Queen:
I just thought it needed a washer.

Ellery Queen:
You know, I tried that, but after I fixed it, it dripped worse than ever!

Inspector Richard Queen:
Is that so? Well, imagine that. While you're remodeling in here, I'll have a cup of coffee. [He goes to the coffee pot. It's empty] I think I'll *make* a cup of coffee. [He brings the pot over to the kitchen sink and turns on the tap. Nothing comes out] On second thought, maybe I won't have any coffee.

Ellery Queen:
Now I know who killed George Sherman-the one person who had something to gain from it. You're probably way ahead of me; you've got all the clues: the inkstains on George's hand, the alibis, the motive. Put them all together and what have you got? Well, Dr. Tony Bender? The not-so-grieving widow, Paulette Sherman? Oh, and don't forget Stephen Yang, or the phony Father Devlin. Or maybe it was somebody else. Maybe somebody you haven't considered. Let's find out.

Cathy Kendrick:
My father is not the type of person to imagine things!

Inspector Richard Queen:
Well, I am - and I'm beginning to imagine that you're being overly protective of your father.

Cathy Kendrick:
[to Ellery] How do you put up with him?

Ellery Queen:
Practice.

Ellery Queen:
I've got it; how do you have it figured? Was it the husband? The stepdaughter? The lawyer, the doctor, or the nurse, or somebody else. Now, I know you don't think it was Simon Brimmer - or do you? Anyway, there's a hint: the body was moved to make room for something, and time is of the essence.

Inspector Richard Queen:
A major breakthrough! The butler didn't do it!

Ellery Queen:
You make a terrific Dormouse, Mrs. Lockridge.

Laura Lockridge:
Thank you. I don't make a bad doormat, either, Mr. Queen.

Ellery Queen:
Well, there it is. You've just found out something that I've known since late yesterday: that Spencer Lockridge is dead and that one of the people in the library killed him. But how, and why, and and when - and I guess, more to the point, who? Now the key to the solution involves a clock that wasn't there - or if it was, why didn't I see its reflection in the mirror? You got the answer? Let's find out.

Howard Biggers:
Well, he hasn't treated you much better. How about that phony seven-year contract, and that picture-part you had to turn down last month?

Laura Lockridge:
Emmy, is that true?

Emmy Reinhart:
It was a dreadful part, with no lines. Some deaf and dumb farm girl who gets forcibly compromised. Well, they gave it to Jane Wyman. I didn't want to play it anyway.

Lt. Carr:
Seems like we're to dealing with some sort of lunatic!

Inspector Richard Queen:
[looking at Ellery] Oh, I'm used to that.

Inspector Richard Queen:
The thought of you dictating a book while driving a car boggles the imagination.

Ellery Queen:
I may be wrong, but I think I know how Norris Wentworth was killed-and why, and who did it. Remember, the autopsy definitely established it was a heart attack-but was someone responsible for that heart attack? I think so, and it all has to do with the broken window in Wentworth's car outside the museum, and the key ring in his pocket. Let's see if we come up with the same answer.

[repeated line]

Margie Coopersmith:
Coopersmith, with a C!

Gossip Columnist:
Darling! I almost didn't recognize you! What have you done to your face?

Ellery Queen:
I've got it. Scene 231A: that's the clue. I know who killed Gilbert Mallory and Mike Hewitt. You know who killed them? Was it Mallory's wife, or his current mistress, or was it the director, the prop man who hated him, or was it somebody else? And why was Hewitt, the stunt man, killed. I'll tell you one thing: my dad was right when he said the killer made a mistake. But when - and what?

Corrine Ogden:
Your husband will think you're a brand new woman!

Mrs. Douglas:
When he gets the bill, he'll know it's the same old me.

Ellery Queen:
Now, Flannigan's picture and the way my dad pours milk in the coffee gave me the answer. Was it Joe Adams? Was it Sam Hatter? Was it Doc Sanford or Melinda Sanford? Or Eddie? Or was it someone else? Now, bear in mind that the timing has a lot to do with it. Yeah. I'll tell you more about it at the gym.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Paperwork. Soon you'll need a judge's permission to question a suspect.

Ellery Queen:
Now I know who killed Lillian McGraw, and if you've been watching closely, you've seen the clue, and more than once. Got it? Was it Lillian's husband? Cousin Celeste? Prescott? And what about Lucheck? And what about Vargo? And is Claude Gravette really what he says he is? I'll tell you one thing: the clue is as plain as the nose on your face.

Ellery Queen:
You can sleep while I drive.

Inspector Richard Queen:
The way you drive, we can both sleep.

Ellery Queen:
[writing a note for his father after a late night] Dear Dad: I wanted to get an early start, and decided to let you sleep. Love, Ellery. [Ellery moves to leave the note under the skull - but there's a note already there]

Inspector Richard Queen:
[voiceover] Dear Ellery: I wanted to get an early start, and decided to let you sleep. Love, Dad.

Ellery Queen:
Now I know who killed Alvin Winer, and I'll bet you do, too. I'll give you a little help: it wasn't Dan Murphy. But if you think about the clues, they should all point right to the killer. Now remember, Alvin Winer was color blind, and this is the second time I almost left my hat behind me. All right, who's the guilty party? Buddy Parker? Gary Swift? Herb Morrow? Or was it somebody closer to home, like Penny or Dina Carroll? Maybe, just maybe, it was someone else.

Frank Flannigan:
I can't sit on this story much longer.

Inspector Richard Queen:
You'll sit on it or you'll sit in jail!

Frank Flannigan:
You can't do that!

Inspector Richard Queen:
I can't, huh? Velie, take this gentleman down and book him for... hanging around!

Ellery Queen:
Well, there it is. Now I know who killed Vic Danello, and who probably killed Dottie Lomax. Now, if you've been paying attention, you probably have it figured out, too. Oh, yeah, there are a lot of suspects, some of them obvious, some of them not so obvious, but it took Flannigan's broken nose to complete the picture. Let's see if we come up with the same solution.

Yvonne Danello:
Now I've been a good little hostess, Mister Queen, so why don't you do me a favor and go away, and don't come back. Ever.

Ellery Queen:
Come on, Dad, I'll drive you home.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Son, you are my only child, and a comfort in my old age, but you are the worst driver in the world. If anybody gets behind that wheel, it'll be me!

Ellery Queen:
Do you know who killed Monica Gray? Now, if you've been watching closely, you have all the information you need. You know, for example, that it's not the father, because I proved him innocent - or did I? Maybe it's the mother, or the son, or the faithful secretary, or maybe somebody on the sidelines. But don't go too far afield. It's not my father. At least, I don't think it is. Well, good luck - you're probably way ahead of me, anyhow.

[the radio show of "The Casebook of Simon Brimmer" is performed on the air by Brimmer, the cast and crew]

Actor:
M-Mr. Brimmer, what are you doing here?

Simon Brimmer:
Sorry for the interruption, Doctor, but I have an appointment with... a murderer.

Actor:
Well, I - I don't understand.

Simon Brimmer:
It's quite simple. You see, the man we've been looking for... is you.

Radio Director:
Nice show, huh, Mr. Brimmer?

Simon Brimmer:
Hardly. All the thrills of a church picnic; no pace, no suspense, no story. We'll talk tomorrow, nine sharp.

[Simon Brimmer finds Ellery Queen asleep in the control booth after his radio show finishes its broadcast]

Simon Brimmer:
Sorry that we bored you.

Ellery Queen:
Oh, no, not really. It was a excellent show.

Simon Brimmer:
Oh, come now. You dozed off on the first commercial.

Ellery Queen:
Oh, really, I'm sorry. I - I usually have a better attention span, but I've been up for 48 hours trying to finish my new book.

Simon Brimmer:
Ah, deadlines. We have those here, too, which is why I need your help.

Ellery Queen:
I've been thinking about your offer...

Simon Brimmer:
I'm a student of the human voice, Mr. Queen, and I sense a certain reluctance in yours. Is it the money?

Ellery Queen:
No, the fee is very generous.

Simon Brimmer:
Then what's the problem? You're one of the best mystery writers in the business, and that's exactly what I need. "The Casebook of Simon Brimmer" is just about empty, and that microphone is insatiable. All I'm asking for is the right to buy your private files, and have them adapted into radio scripts.

Ellery Queen:
Then my cases would become *your* cases, solved by you.

Simon Brimmer:
Well, of course, I couldn't use your name. After all, my audience tunes in to hear *me*.

Ellery Queen:
Unfortunately, Mr. Brimmer, you're asking me to be a ghostwriter...

Simon Brimmer:
[scoffs] A technicality.

Ellery Queen:
Uh, not to me.

Simon Brimmer:
All right, then. Let's say a very rich ghost with silk sheets.

Ellery Queen:
It's tempting, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass.

[Inspector Queen tells his son Ellery about the dying clue left by fashion designer Monica Gray who was found shot to death in her apartment]

Inspector Richard Queen:
Well, anyway, she crawled past the coffee table, over to the wall, where she pulled out that plug of the clock and that, uh, television gizmo. And then she died. Now that's my reconstruction.

Ellery Queen:
And very good too, Dad. I agree with it.

Inspector Richard Queen:
That's as far as I go, because I haven't the slightest idea of what the lady was trying to tell us!

Inspector Richard Queen:
[referring to the television set that Ellery is examining] You ever seen one of those things before?

Ellery Queen:
Huh? Yeah, a few.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Damn nuisance. A friend of mine has one. People keep dropping in.

Ellery Queen:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. It's just a passing fad.

[Ellery and his father, Inspector Queen, examine the television at the crime scene where murder victim Monica Gray was found]

Ellery Queen:
Channel 4. What was on when she pulled out the plug?

Inspector Richard Queen:
Yeah, we called the station. An experimental program, news and weather. We're getting a script.

Ellery Queen:
News at that hour?

Inspector Richard Queen:
Yeah, big mistake. Who wants to watch the problems of the world before he goes to bed?

[Ellery tries to decipher the dying clue left by Monica Gray when she pulled out the plugs of the clock and the television set]

Ellery Queen:
Well, what was she trying to say, and why both plugs? Was she reaching for the clock cord and did she accidentally pull out the television cord, or was it the other way around? Is she saying something about electricity, about the failure of power? No. Or is she relating to the television set as a piece of furniture, a box, a console, screen? And what about that clock?

Ellery Queen:
[snapping his fingers] Wait a minute!

Inspector Richard Queen:
You got something?

Ellery Queen:
Very clever, Dad, very shrewd.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Who? Who?

Ellery Queen:
[pointing to his father] You. You know I'm supposed to be home finishing a book. You know I got a deadline to meet, but you drag me up here and you dangle all this catnip in front of me.

Ellery Queen:
That's it, I'm going home. You're not gonna suck me in this time.

Inspector Richard Queen:
Son, you're doing me an injustice. Besides, I know you. Let's face it, you're hooked! You can't walk out of here!

Ellery Queen:
Can't I? Night, Dad.

[Ellery walks out of the apartment, closing the door behind him]

Sgt. Velie:
Aw, gee, that's too bad, Inspector, I thought you had him out of the water and into the boat!

[Inspector Queen gestures for Velie to wait, and points his thumb at the door, through which Ellery re-enters]

Ellery Queen:
I was just thinking...

Inspector Richard Queen:
[smiles, winking at Velie] Yes?

Ellery Queen:
It's really very simple. I - I make it a point to be observant and to pay attention to details. Good night, Dad.

[Ellery turns to leave]

Inspector Richard Queen:
Son?

Ellery Queen:
[turns back] Hmm?

Inspector Richard Queen:
You forgot your glasses.

Penny:
[grabbing the book Ellery is reading] I read this one. This is the one where the doctor's the murderer.

Ellery Queen:
Penny, I promised your parents I'd take care of you today. You're my cousin, and I love you. But if you ever do anything like that again, I'll break your neck.