Eric & Ernie

Sadie Bartholomew:
Do you know what's holding 'em back?

George Bartholomew:
The War?

Eric Morecambe:
Was it dark?

Ernie Wise:
Was what dark?

Eric Morecambe:
Hiding in Churchill's cigar box until the War was over.

[Arthur is being carried off stage]

Ernie Wise:
Poor Arthur.

Eric Morecambe:
He must've tripped over Des O'Connor.

Eric Morecambe:
What do you think of it so far?

Audience Member:
Rubbish!

[Eric's mother is pushing him into a career as a dancer, but his heart isn't in it. He has just won a children's talent competition doing an embarrassing song-and-dance routine]

George Bartholomew:
[conspiratorially, to Eric] Never mind, son. Happen you'll lose next time.

Sadie Bartholomew:
[grimly] I heard that!

[Eric has just learned that he has won the Jack Hylton audition and will be taking part in the "Youth Takes a Bow" stage show, touring the country alongside Ernie Wise]

Young Eric:
Touring the country? When will I see my mates?

Sadie Bartholomew:
You'll make new mates - Variety mates - mates with a bit of something about them.

Young Eric:
I don't want Variety mates. I've got a gang here - *and* an air-gun!

Sadie Bartholomew:
Eric, d'you want to be tied to a whistle all your life, like your dad?

Young Eric:
Well...

Sadie Bartholomew:
Eric, listen to me. You make people laugh, you're a lovely dancer, and you can hold a tune. But *more* than that, and I mean this as the mother who carried you and nursed you and raised you, you aren't any good at anything else.

[Eric and Ernie have just done their first television show and it has received very poor newspaper reviews. Even Eric's mother thinks it was a disaster]

Sadie Bartholomew:
[shouting] I can't show me face outside the house! I think we're going to have to move! I told you time and time again to trust your own material! I drummed it into you! And what do you do the moment me back's turned? You forget *everything*!

[Eric walks off and finds his dad sitting alone]

Eric Morecambe:
Can I borrow your bike?

George Bartholomew:
Where are you planning on going?

Eric Morecambe:
Anywhere that they don't have televisions.

George Bartholomew:
You could try Barrow-on-Furness. You'll soon be back - people'll forget.

Eric Morecambe:
They won't forget this.

[Eric shows George a newspaper cutting of a TV critic's article]

Eric Morecambe:
Here, read that.

George Bartholomew:
"Definition of a TV - the box they buried Morecambe and Wise in last night". You know what I think. There's nothing harder to find than yesterday's paper.

[Eric and his mother discuss the disastrous TV series]

Sadie Bartholomew:
How long are you going to keep this up - this sulking malarkey. You used to sulk when I made you wear that schoolboy outfit - right up till when it got you a big laugh.

Eric Morecambe:
Television isn't about dressing up as a schoolboy and singing, you know.

Sadie Bartholomew:
Well it certainly isn't about being funny. Not if what I saw you two do is anything to go by.

Eric Morecambe:
[sarcastically] Don't go easy on me just because we're related, will you.

Sadie Bartholomew:
I don't know how to soft-pedal - it's not in me nature.

Eric Morecambe:
You don't have to tell me that.

Sadie Bartholomew:
I'm hard on you because you and Ernie are better than that. When I saw you on that television show, doing that *tripe*... Biggest break? Your chance? You forgot everything. You and Ernie *know* what's funny. You know what plays funny, you know what tells funny. You must have known deep-down that material was not funny.

Eric Morecambe:
What d'you want me to say?

Sadie Bartholomew:
You could start by telling me I'm right.

[Ernie is lost for words. He knows his mother is right but he can't admit it]

Eric Morecambe:
I'm sorry if you feel we've let you down.

Sadie Bartholomew:
I'll get over it. Will you?

[Sadie is searching frantically under the bed and emerges holding a suitcase full of papers]

George Bartholomew:
What the bloody hell are you doing?

Sadie Bartholomew:
Finding them new material. I'll get Eric to go round to Ernie's tomorrow. Bash their heads together.

George Bartholomew:
No, Sadie!

Sadie Bartholomew:
What do you mean, "no"? Push, push, push. That's what I do. It's what our Eric needs.

George Bartholomew:
Well maybe it's time you stopped pushing.

Sadie Bartholomew:
You saying I pushed him into it?

George Bartholomew:
Nobody's saying that, Sadie. You were right to push him and I'm glad you did. But... what I saying is... *He's* got to do the pushing now. *He's* got to go down to Ernie. He's got to do it for himself. He's got to *want* to do it himself.

Sadie Bartholomew:
Well, beggar me! You don't put your foot down for twenty-five years of married life, and when you finally do, you're wrong!

[following their notorious TV show, Morecambe and Wise are now being placed *lower* on theatre bills than they were beforehand]

Ernie Wise:
[ironically] Fourth on the bill. That's the magic of television.

Usherette:
So, what went wrong with the telly show, lads?

Eric Morecambe:
Scripts, cast, music, director, lighting.

Usherette:
Apart from that, it were great, eh?

[Sadie has turned up at the theatre without a ticket]

Sadie Bartholomew:
I'm Eric Morecambe's mother.

Usherette:
I'm afraid I can't let you in without a ticket.

Sadie Bartholomew:
I don't need a ticket - I'm his *mother*.

Usherette:
How do *I* know that?

Sadie Bartholomew:
Did you see their television show? D'you think I'd own up to that if it wasn't true.