Eulogy

Judy:
Oh-oh. She's adding ingredients to her personality.

Skip Collins:
You don't throw a lemon at me in front of a lesbian!

Fred Collins:
What the hell is that?

Aunt Lily:
It's your birthday cake. I was hoping it would be a surprise.

Ted Collins:
I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked!

Fred Collins:
This isn't what we ordered.

Aunt Lily:
You don't *order* your mother. I spent two days making...

Ted Collins:
We *ordered* an erotic cheesecake.

Aunt Lily:
Excuse me?

Ted Collins:
You're excused.

Alice Collins:
I really can't believe you brought her.

Lucy Collins:
Hello, Alice.

Alice Collins:
No, it?s just, I thought you'd come along. It's family.

Lucy Collins:
Are you starting already?

Alice Collins:
Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys?

Lucy Collins:
You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.

Skip Collins:
Don't worry. Don't worry about Alice, she? you think she's gone, she comes back. Like herpes.

Judy:
Thanks, Skip.

Ted Collins:
Thanks, but, uh, I've already had my mucous course for the day.

Alice Collins:
Listen, you shut your spit-cave you foul-mouthed little sh*t-f***er before I beat the living snot out of you.

Kate Collins:
I'm sorry about Grandpa.

Lucy Collins:
Oh, Katie! Nobody blames you!

Lucy Collins:
This is bullshit.

Judy:
Luce...

Lucy Collins:
No! I'm sorry, screw her!

Judy:
Come on, Luce...

Lucy Collins:
No! Don't! She has made a business out of persecuting me and I'm supposed to sit here, at my father's funeral, and watch her f***-sing at Samantha?

Lucy Collins:
Screw that!

Skip Collins:
Pop loved poetry.

Kate Collins:
He did.

Skip Collins:
Yeah. All the ones about Nantucket.

Skip Collins:
I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl. There once was a girl who was crippled, by the weight of her overgrown nipple.