Every Day

Garrett:
[to Ned] You're not nearly as boring as you pretend to be.

Ernie:
You were never able to take criticism either.

Jeannie:
I think it depends on how it's given.

Ernie:
There's no easy way to give it. It's like medicine. You just take it... if you really wanna get better.

Ethan:
Will everybody at the prom be gay?

Jonah:
Yeah. That's why they call it the gay and lesbian prom, moron.

Jonah:
I'm not interested in being with someone who's older. I... I just wanna dance with other people who are gay.

Ned:
I think I'd rather talk about the smell of pee.

Garrett:
What about anal? My straight friends tell me anal's the new oral.

Garrett:
Bestiality, the final frontier.

Ned:
[to son chatting the on the Internet] You're not talking to people you don't know, are you?

Jonah:
Uhh, you mean potential pedophiles?

Ned:
Mm-hm.

Jonah:
Just ones that live around here.

Jeannie:
Ned...

Ned:
I think he should change, or he can't go.

Jonah:
This is what people wear to a dance.

Ned:
Why don't you just go in a jock strap?

Jeannie:
You're being ridiculous.

Ethan:
You can sort of see the outline of your penis in those.

Ned:
Did that sweater look that gay on me.

Ned:
I better go pick Jonah up before someone else does.

Garrett:
Are you done?

Ned:
To a crisp.

Ernie:
They're good, your boys. They're beautiful.

Jeannie:
I'm very lucky.

Ernie:
Sometimes luck has nothing to do with it.

Ned:
You look good.

Jeannie:
I feel old.

Ned:
But you look good and that's the main thing.

Garrett:
There is nothing unrelatable about sex with animals. I know a lot of people who've done it.

Brian:
Sex with one's dog is the new sex with one's cat.

Jeannie:
I can see that what's happening here is a huge downer for you. You can add it to your list next to gay son, sucky job and wife who's over forty.

Garrett:
And even cable isn't ready for cannibalism yet, but I do think a good flambe penis story you can put in on children's television, somewhere.

Ned:
I don't want you dancing with college kids. Period.

Jonah:
What are they gonna do? Rape me?

Jeannie:
[after Ernie has berated Ethan and forced him to leave] He's just beginning it, Dad. It's a very difficult piece.

Ernie:
[Angrily] If you learn it wrong, it's twice as difficult.

Jeannie:
He's playing for enjoyment. He's not planning on being a professional.

Ernie:
Well, the, guess it doesn't matter how he plays. You were never able to take criticism either.

Jeannie:
I think it depends on how it's given.

Ernie:
There's no easy way to give it. It's like medicine. You just gotta take it if you want to get better.

old woman at retirement home:
Are you moving in, Hon, or just visiting?

Ernie:
We're all just visiting.

Jeannie:
[Talking about Ernie on the phone] No, he's not dead. He lives in New York.

Robin:
[Asking about Ned's home situation] Two kids?

Robin:
Three. My father-in-law's the youngest.

Jeannie:
[Epeaking about Ernie] I don't even like him.

Ned:
You're a good daughter.

Jeannie:
I'm a guilty daughter.

Ethan:
Is Grandpa Ernie gonna eat every meal with us?

Ned:
Only if he's good. If he's bad, we force him to eat in his own room - excuse me, your room.

Jeannie:
[Solicitously at the dinner table] Do you want some salad, Dad? You must be hungry; you haven't eaten all day.

Ernie:
[Sourly] I need my sh*t kit.

Jonah:
No one's gonna do anything. They have, like, a million chaperones.

Ned:
I don't want you dancing with college kids. Period.

Jonah:
Well, what are they gonna do, rape me?

Ned:
Can we not talk about this right now?

Jonah:
I'm not interested with being with someone who's older, I-- I just wanna dance with other people who are gay.

Ned:
I think I'd rather talk about the smell of pee.

Jonah:
Huh.