Everybody Hates Chris

[repeated line]

Greg Wuliger:
[to Chris about girls] Dude you are so in there!

[repeated line]

Rochelle Rock:
[after finding out Chris has done something wrong] [shouting] Chris!

Tanya Rock:
[repeated line, to Chris] Ooo! I'm gonna tell Mama!

Rochelle Rock:
I'm gonna slap the black off of you!

Himself - Narrator:
At that moment, I discovered one of life's greatest secrets - black guy, plus basketball, equals white girl.

Rochelle:
If I ain't getting any sleep, you ain't getting any sleep.

Himself - Narrator:
Now that was harsh. Taking sleep from my father was like taking ignorance from a rapper.

Coach Brady:
Okay, here's the play. This is you with the ball, and here are the other four guys getting out of your way.

Chris Rock:
Look at me, man, I'm killin'! I'm two feet from a girl!

Detective Marino:
Lady, my shift ends in six minutes. Fill out this report.

Rochelle Rock:
And that's it?

Detective Marino:
That's it.

Rochelle Rock:
So you're not gonna help us out at all?

Detective Marino:
No, but we're here to comfort you.

Greg Wuliger:
[to Chris] Oh man, don't you know that if you ever see a crime being committed in New York, you don't say anything? I don't care if Ronald Reagan is about to shoot the pope, you say nothing!

Narrator:
Greg was a big fan of editorial cartoons.

Rochelle:
[to Julius] What else have you been hiding from me? Is Julius even your real name? Are you the Green River Killer? Where's Jimmy Hoffa? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!

Narrator:
Drew didn't know what it was like to lose but he hated the way it was looking on Tonya.

Rochelle:
What did you buy that was so important that I had to find out 15 years later?

Julius:
Your wedding ring. [Rochelle doesn't talk]

Narrator:
For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.

Chris Rock:
Can we bring a box of canned goods?

Mrs. Morello:
Oh, you don't have to do that, you need those things yourself!

Chris Rock:
What are you talking about? My family's doing fine.

Mrs. Morello:
[Sympathetic] I know. I know.

Himself - Narrator:
She made it seem like We were having a bowl of steam for dinner that night!

Rochelle Rock:
So, you do understand.

Tanya Rock:
Yeah, it's okay to lie.

[Chris won't be getting any presents for chirstmas because he's parents need the money for a new boiler]

Rochelle Rock:
Oh baby, you'll be able to use up all hot water you want.

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] So all I'm getting is a clean ass.

Julius Rock:
Steaming hot.

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] My mother would give away all the food we had, if she thought it would prove we didn't need it.

Tanya Rock:
[about her new doll] I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll with long hair!

Rochelle Rock:
How about you have no doll with no hair?

Tanya Rock:
Thanks.

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] My mom had amazing hearing. You couldn't do anything in that house without her hearing.

Himself - Narrator, Rochelle Rock:
[Cut to Chris dropping a bag of cotton balls on the floor in the living room, whilst his mom is in a diffrent room on the other side of the house]

Rochelle Rock:
Chris! Quit throwing cotton balls all over the place!

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] If you had a Walkman, you could even listen to bad music, and no one would know... unless you were dumb enough to sing along.

Tanya Rock:
I know there's no such thing as Santa Clause.

Himself - Narrator:
When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.

Tonya - Age 30:
[Rochelle imagines Tanya aggressively confronting her years later as a young adult] So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want ANSWERS!

[after tricking Chris]

Joey Caruso:
Silly negro.

[Julius gets a job at the fish market]

Julius Rock:
That's the smell of a working man!

Rochelle Rock:
No. That's the smell of AQUAMAN.

Narrator:
[after Chris' scheme of pulling the fire alarm to get himself expelled only serves to alert the Chemistry teacher] Come Hell or Highwater, I was getting kicked out of school.

Chemistry Teacher:
Thank You! Thank You! [hugs Chris] Another 30 seconds in there, We would've been blacker than you!

Julius Rock:
You lost ten dollars? That's ten dollars worth of dollars!

Chris:
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, don't vote for him, vote for me.

Greg Wuliger:
Come on, man, this is serious.

Chris:
I am not a crook.

Greg Wuliger:
Now you're just making stuff up.

Chris:
Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation always!

Greg Wuliger:
Are you trying to get us killed?

Tanya:
Mom, where's Chris?

Rochelle:
His bike got stolen. I told him not to let anybody ride it. So I smacked him into next week, he'll be back on Tuesday.

Rochelle Rock:
[to Julius] Pick this crap up before I slap the shine off your head!

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating as his young self, Tonya and Drew mess up the house] Black people didn't go this crazy again till the LA riots!

Himself - Narrator:
Between those four dads, they had sixteen jobs and they worked 492 hours a week!

Rochelle Rock:
[shouting at Julius] Have you lost your monkey-ass mind?

Rochelle Rock:
Chris, I'm gonna slap you into next WEEK!

Tanya Rock:
[flash foward to dinner] Mommy... Where's Chris?

Rochelle Rock:
[casually] : His bike got stolen. I told him not to let anybody ride it. I slapped him into next week. He'll be back on Tuesday.

Himself - Narrator:
I wonder if it would ruin our friendship if I smacked his eyebrows off.

Drew:
[looking at an abstract painting] It looks like someone got shot and fell into a bucket of mustard.

Himself - Narrator:
Like wars, most fights are started by people who won't get hit.

Greg Wuliger:
Hey, why don't we do a thing on plate tectonics?

Himself - Narrator:
I thought "plate tectonics" was the original name of the Wu-Tang Clan.

Chris Rock:
You know, there's a reason why you didn't have a friend until I came along.

Greg Wuliger:
And there's a reason why you don't have a friend now!

[walks out]

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] It was like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham!

Chris Rock:
This is perfect. Mercury's closest to the sun, Venus is second, Earth is third, and we have four moons around Mercury. It's perfectly to scale.

Greg Wuliger:
Quit lying to yourself.

Chris Rock:
What's that supposed to mean?

Greg Wuliger:
If Earth was actually this close to the sun, we'd all be dead.

Chris Rock:
Greg, it's a science project. It looks great.

Greg Wuliger:
We gotta do it over.

Chris Rock:
Do it over? Do the whole universe over? Are you crazy? It's looks great the way it is.

Greg Wuliger:
This isn't great. It sucks.

Chris Rock:
Look at this kid. His project is a bug in Jello. We're fine.

Greg Wuliger:
I knew you didn't take science as seriously as I do.

Chris Rock:
Einstein didn't take science as serious as you do.

Greg Wuliger:
I knew I should've gotten another partner. I can't turn this in. People will think I'm an idiot.

Chris Rock:
What are you trying to say?

Greg Wuliger:
I said it once and I'll say it again, this sucks.

Chris Rock:
You know, if you want to do something else, well, then do something else.

Greg Wuliger:
I'm not gonna let you screw the whole thing up.

Chris Rock:
You know, there's a reason why you didn't have a friend before I came along.

Greg Wuliger:
There's a reason you don't have a friend now.

Himself - Narrator:
This must be like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham.

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] My mother hated using food stamps because she was a ghetto snob.

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] Some people count sheep. My father counted CHEAP.

Tanya Rock:
[about the generic cereal] Does it have a prize inside?

Rochelle Rock:
The prize is you won't starve to death.

Thug #2:
Hey little dood from across the street, here you go man. [hands him some money]

Chris Rock:
What's this?

Thug #2:
I robbed your grandfather a few times, I ain't know you knew him!

Himself - Narrator:
I thought I'd see George Bush wearing a do-rag before Tonya got in trouble.

Rochelle Rock:
Why are you late?

Chris Rock:
Uh, my bus broke down.

Rochelle Rock:
Well, next time you better get off and fix it!

Rochelle Rock:
Who wants to play "Clean Up This Damn House"?

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] I won the "Take Out The Garbage Competition" four years in a row!

Tonya:
Do you think Chris is dead?

Himself - Narrator:
[narrating] In my neighborhood, being 15 minutes late meant there was a definite possibility you were dead.

Drew:
He's not dead, he's just late.

Rochelle Rock:
[Looking at Candy] What's this? Butterthumbs?

Rochelle Rock:
[to the kids about why they should wait till she checks the candy before they eat it]

Rochelle Rock:
One boy ate an apple with a rasor in it and it cut his head off.

Himself - Narrator:
You would think a guy that gets beat up everyday wouldn't leave the house wearing tights.

Rochelle:
[about Drew getting a D in his math test] Look, we're going to have to get him a tutor.

Julius:
Tutors are expensive; y'all just gonna have to work harder. We can barely afford kids; we can't afford stupid kids.

Chris Rock:
I felt better than Billy Dee Williams after a case of malt liquor...

Rochelle:
CHRIS!

Chris Rock:
My mom was so loud, every Chris in Brooklyn could hear her!

Chris Rock:
My father didn't like other women in the house for the same reason he didn't like guns in the house. Even with the safety on, somebody could get killed.

Chris Rock:
Usually when Tanya says she was telling that meant I was getting in trouble, but I didn't care, all I wanted to do was slap the black off of Drew.

Chris Rock:
I didn't know a lot of girls who had boyfriends. Babies yes, but not boyfriends.

Greg Wuliger:
Knowing a guy whose little brother made out is the furthest I've ever gotten with a girl.

Rochelle:
I don't hear no math!

Ms. Morello:
[while trying to a escape a 'fire'] Chris, You might be black, but you're not fireproof.

Chris Rock:
[after Malvo has been caught by the police, for stealing from Chris] Hey, you didn't even have a real gun!

Malvo:
It's hard to rob a gun store, man, they've got guns.

Narrator:
Basically,minimum wage is the only guarantee people get paid in money. Your boss would pay you in Popsicle sticks if he could. [cuts to Employer paying Employee in Popsicle sticks]

Boss:
Great work. [hands worker Popsicle stick]

Worker:
A Popsicle stick? What you take this thing for,man? I cannot work and live off no Popsicle stick! The least you can do is give me the damn Popsicle! [kisses teeth]

Ms. Morello:
If you think white people are smart wait until you get to class with the asians

Narrator:
At Hansel and Gretel, my mother laid down the law like the Big Bad Wolf.

Ms. Morello:
You're like a chocolate Einstein.

Chris Rock:
More like a chocolate Pinocchio

Judge Harry Watkins:
Lady, you're out of order!

Rochelle Rock:
You're out of order! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!

Rochelle Rock:
You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order!

Julius Rock:
[after telling Drew off for scaring Tonya into wetting her bed and forcing him to remove his monster makeup] You got that? And If I ever catch you scaring your sister and wearing lipstick again, We're gonna have a problem! You hear me?

Narrator:
[Chris charges boys a dollar to look at the Playboy magazine] Who knew you could make money off of pictures of naked women?

Narrator:
My father knew if my mother had found the Playboy, she could use it against him. [cut to Rochelle wearing a fur coat, Julius comes in]

Julius Rock:
Rochelle, why did you spend so much money on a fur coat?

Rochelle:
[Tosses the Playboy on the table] Miss June has one!

Chris Rock:
[about his Mother] That look meant "there's a slap over here if you want it."

Chris Rock:
There's "got your back" guys and "I'll be back" guys. Greg was a "I'm running like a b*tch" guy.

Chris Rock:
[about his brother Drew] All he had to do was see somebody do something and he could copy it. Today you call that a music producer.

Chris Rock:
He beat me so bad I had to take the Underground Railroad home.

[Chris breaks the window and all the kids point to him as the culprit]

Chris Rock:
Where were these people when Tupac got shot?

Rochelle Rock:
Now I should send you to Africa since you don't want to eat!

Mr. Harris:
[it is thanksgiving and Chris is looking for mac and cheese] Macaroni and cheese on Thanksgiving? That's like looking for candles on Hannukah.

Joey Caruso:
Roses are red, violets are blue, you stink like a monkey and look like one too! Happy Valentine's Day.

Chris Rock:
[to the girl on the bus who got him into trouble] Hey, I don't need help getting my ass whooped, that's the only thing I'm good at.

Chris Rock:
[Reading Hate Card Caruso left in his locker] "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue... Please go back to Africa and take your Mother with You."

Himself - Narrator:
I wanted this to be a good night for my parents, and I didn't want my father to think I couldn't handle things. So, I decided to keep everything that happened to myself.

Julius Rock:
You know, Yvette, are you free next Friday?

Chris Rock:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! She left us to go get a baby. But then when she came back, she burnt your chicken, So then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby. He said his name was Mario and he was the baby's father. So then when he left, she came back, and the baby wasn't here. So then, she went to go get the baby back. Her mother came to the door looking for her and the baby. So then they had a big fight about where to live. She said she'd live at Mario's house. WHO IS MARIO? So then when she came back, she started braiding Tonya's hair. Drew got to watch the game. You guys came back. She's trying to make it look like everything was all peachy and fine. It's not!

[Chris plops down on the couch]

Julius Rock:
I told we should have let Chris baby-sit. Girl, give me my money back.

Rochelle Rock:
I'm gonna kick her ass. Hold my wig.

[Rochelle takes off her wig, and passes it to Julius]

Julius Rock:
Chris, I'm gonna eat some peanuts, watch the kids!

[Yvette pulls out some chicken from the oven which turns out to be burned]

Yvette:
I'm going to run and get you guys something to eat. Watch the baby, okay.

Chris Rock:
You can't leave your baby here.

Yvette:
Why not?

Chris Rock:
Because you're babysitting.

Himself - Narrator:
[voiceover] At that moment, I was sure of two things. "I wasn't going to be fine" and "she wasn't going to be right back".

Tanya Rock:
[to Yvette] You can't bring that baby in here!

Chris Rock:
[to Tonya] I'll handle this. [to Yvette] You can't bring that baby in here!

Himself - Narrator:
[voiceover] My mother would never hire someone she thought was irresponsible. Irresponsible people don't TELL you're they're irresponsible. 'Cause they're irresponsible!

Lance:
[Lance has just told that he bought the neighborhood laundromat] Next time you come down, I'll give you a few free loads. [pause] Also, here are some coupons for a new dry cleaners I'm opening.

Narrator:
[Lisa has just been strangling young Chris with a hose but also invited him to spin the bottle at her house] Ever since that day, I've always loved hos [e] .

Narrator:
[Chris is practicing Lip-ups on the floor] This is what happens when you watch shows about White people!

Tonya:
[Walks in Chris practicing kissing in the mirror] Boy, what is wrong with you?

Narrator:
Can't a boy kiss himself in the mirror in peace?

Julius:
That's a two dollar pair of underwear you're messing in!

Rochelle Rock:
Don't come home stupid!

Chris Rock, Drew, Tonya:
We won't!

Narrator:
It didn't take much to graduate from my own school. All you needed was a ride to the graduation.

Himself - Narrator:
Father.

Chris Rock:
Tired.

Himself - Narrator:
Mother.

Chris Rock:
Bald.

Himself - Narrator:
What?

Chris Rock:
Oh, sorry, I was still on "Father".

Himself - Narrator:
Good, I thought you had a bald Mother!

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] My father wasn't bald when he got married, but one hair fell out for every bill he got!

Himself - Narrator:
[narrating] It took me years to find out in order to get a women to do something you gotta tell them the opposite!

[Flashback to Rochelle serving Julius dinner]

Rochelle Rock:
Here's your chicken!

[Rochelle throws Julius' food on the table]

Julius Rock:
And you better not get me dessert!

Rochelle Rock:
I get you what I want!

Beautiful Woman:
[to Drew] Call me when you're 18.

Cashier:
[to Rochelle] You can't pay your credit card bill with your credit card!

Rochelle Rock:
[taking out another credit card] How about this one?

Himself - Narrator:
[narrating] The laundromat was a place where all the poor people went to to do there laundry.

Himself - Narrator:
[narrating] Tonya's so difficult, the only reason she's a girl is because my father wanted a boy.

Joey Caruso:
This isn't over, n*gger.

Himself - Narrator:
Oh, he got away with callin' me n*gger that day, but later in life he said it at a DMX concert and almost got stomped to death.

Rochelle:
Chris!

Himself - Narrator:
My mom was so loud, every Chris in Brooklyn could hear her.

Julius:
Unplug that clock boy. You can't tell time while you sleep! It's 2 cents an hour!

Julius:
That's 49 cent of spilt milk drippin' all over the table. Somebody gon' drink this milk!

Julius:
If you smell smoke, and you think the house is going to catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell gas, and you think the house is going to blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.

Old Principal:
[In flashback] I didn't touch her! I don't know what you're talking about!

Himself - Narrator:
[Narrating] Mr Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about because of the network censors. The school settled the lawsuit out of court, and he's not allowed to teach anymore. If he moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a warning.

Rochelle Rock:
Chris! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat!

Chris:
If you wake up dad he's gonna punch me square in the face and then I'm gonna punch you in the face and he'll kill me and then he'll go to jail.

Himself - Narrator:
You may not think messing up a pair of $40 shoes is such a big deal, but you have to realize my father's car only cost $65!

Rochelle:
[series of flashbacks] [moderate voice] Boy, I'll slap da *caps off ya knees!

Rochelle:
[low and menacing tone] I will slap you into last *night!

Rochelle:
[loud voice] I will *slap your name outta da phone book, and *call Ma Bell, tell 'em I did it!

[Chris reminisces in the following series of flashbacks:
]

Rochelle:
[moderate voice] Boy, I'll slap da *caps* off ya knees!

Rochelle:
[low and menacing tone] I will slap you into last *night*!

Rochelle:
[loud voice] I will *slap* your name outta da phone book, and *call* Ma Bell, tell 'em I did it!

Narrator:
Tonya got more people in trouble than a white girl at an NBA after-party.

Tonya:
Mom, Drew hit me again!

Rochelle:
[appears in the doorway] No he didn't.

Tonya:
Well, he was going to.

Rochelle:
Oh he's not the only one.

Narrator:
My mother said we could never hit girls... but she could.

Rochelle:
[to Drew, watching TV] Turn that up.

Chris:
Are you serious?

Mr. Newton:
Serious as a catastrophic cardial infarction.

Narrator:
Quit showing off, just say heart attack.