Fanboys

Hutch:
Nobody calls Han Solo a b*tch!

Linus:
[Shatner has given them the access codes to Skywalker Ranch] How did you score all of this?

William Shatner:
Are you kidding? I'm William Shatner; I can score anything.

Eric:
How about Jeri Ryan's panties?

[repeated line]

Hutch:
You want to take your shirt off.

[laying down together, Windows spooning Zoe]

Zoe:
That better be your lucky R2 poking me.

Windows:
Nope. My penis.

Crystal:
We're not hookers, we're escorts!

Windows:
The difference being...?

Crystal:
I don't know.

Linus:
[Linus gives the Doctor a big kiss] I love you.

Doctor:
I know.

Hutch:
What's the Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin"?

Admiral Seasholtz:
[Replies in fluent Klingon]

Eric:
[hands him a vacuum cleaner] Your mom said clean up this sh*t-hole or no grilled cheese for a week?

Hutch:
[sticks his head out on the door] That's emotional blackmail, and you know it!

Windows:
What's your game plan?

Eric:
We storm the ranch or we die trying.

Windows:
Yeah.

Windows:
What's your new game plan?

Eric:
Let's get in the van and get the hell outta here!

Hutch:
Rule number one: In my van, it's Rush. All Rush, all the time. No exceptions. Rule number two: Nobody touch the red button. And I mean never touch the red button. Most importantly, rule number three: There's no jerking it in my van!

Windows:
[throwing up his hands] Fine...

Hutch:
[amid laughter] Don't roll your eyes at ME, Admiral Jackbar!

Harry Knowles:
You are only as strong as your weakest link...

[walks up to Eric]

Harry Knowles:
Hello weakest link.

[title card]

Title card/crawl:
The year is 1998 and it is a period of galactic civil war. Scratch that. There's no civil war. That would be crazy. However, the past fifteen years have been a dark time for Star Wars fans.

Title card/crawl:
But there is hope. A new Star Wars film is on the horizon. In 199 days, 3 hours, 33 minutes and 29 seconds the most anticipated movie of all time will be released.

Title card/crawl:
In the remote state of Ohio, two best friends and lifelong Star Wars fans have drifted apart. Little do they know that on Halloween night, their paths will cross again...

Title card/crawl:
Ever wonder why these words are flying? Maybe aliens in another galaxy will one day read this and think WTF?

Title card/crawl:
sent from my iPhone.

[first lines]

Hutch:
[as Stormtrooper] Halloween just got awesome, b*tches!

Linus:
[as Stormtrooper] Prepare for the entrance of Lord Vader.

Windows:
[as Darth Vader] Give yourself to the Dark Side. It's the only way you can save your...

Windows:
You guys both got to stop perpetuating this myth that Boba Fett is some kind of bad-ass. All right? He has a jet pack. So did the Rocketeer. Really cool. When it comes time for battle, the man's Michael Bay - all style, no substance.

Hutch:
If you diss the Fett the again, I will corn-hole you with a lightsaber!

Zoe:
A**hole. You have been trying that Jedi mind sh*t on me since the eighth grade. It doesn't work.

Hutch:
Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.

Zoe:
He's been geeking out with Rogue Leader all morning. Nothing can tear him away.

[lifts her sweater, exposing her breasts to Windows who is on the Internet on his laptop, not looking up]

Zoe:
Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air on my naked breasts.

Hutch:
Oh, ho-ho!

Zoe:
See that? Man's immune to sweater yams.

Hutch:
What about me? I like sweater yams!

Windows:
Stop humping. Please stop humping. Just high five.

Hutch:
Oh, God. I'm Jabba the Hump.

Zoe:
You might wanna hit the showers. 'Cause you smell like something sh*t *in* my nose.

Hutch:
Yes, Your Highnessness.

[Hutch takes off his t-shirt]

Zoe:
Ew! What in god's name is living on your chest? It looks like you fell on ALF.

Hutch:
Dude, you're gonna be my Dak today, all right? Follow my lead.

Windows:
Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. You wanna just talk to them?

Hutch:
Yeah. It's called having balls.

Zoe:
Or in your case, one ball.

Windows:
So, we're all hunky-dory? We're all copacetic?

Roach:
Well, if the word "copacetic" means I'm gonna rip off your tongue and lick your ass with it, then yeah, we're copacetic.

THX Security Guard #2:
[to Windows] Time for you to get mauled, boy.

Windows:
I met her in a Jedi chatroom. The woman is perfect. She's intelligent and acerbic, and a die-hard fan. She's even got connections inside the Lucas camp.

Linus:
Who's also got a man package and a goatee.

Windows:
You guys are all just jealous because she describes herself as a cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Janeane Garafolo.

Hutch:
Tell 'em how you described yourself.

Windows:
I was perfectly honest with her.

Linus:
You said you look like a white Billy Dee Williams. You called yourself white chocolate.

Windows:
I *am* white chocolate.

Harry Knowles:
[to Windows] Now, you listen to me, perv. If you even e-mail my niece again, I will hunt you down like a T-1000.

[after bailing the guys out of jail]

Zoe:
You pussies owe me, big time.

Linus:
Official Episode 1 countdown is six months, 12 days, eight hours and some change.

Windows:
I would sell my soul to see that movie right here right now.

Hutch:
Dude, I would sell my left nut. And I only have the one nut. So you see how serious I am?

Linus:
I was wondering what did Sulu find in Captain Kirk's lavatory.

Admiral Seasholtz:
Sulu clearly found a standard issue Starfleet Z23 personal refuse device.

Linus:
I believe it was the Captain's log.

Admiral Seasholtz:
Okay. Hilarious, everyone. Looks like we got more Lucas hounds here to mock Roddenberry. Congratulations, gentleman, but I would like to see your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone. And we'll see who's laughing then. Am I right?

Windows:
Darth Vader can put the entire Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.

Admiral Seasholtz:
Uh, Darth Vader has asthma, so name me one Star Trek character with a respiratory disease, 'cause I'm drawing a blank.

Linus:
Name me one Star Wars character who's gay.

Hutch:
Beside's you.

Admiral Seasholtz:
Well, no one's gay in Star Trek, so why would I even do that?

Linus:
Captain Picard.

Admiral Seasholtz:
Okay. Captain Picard is not gay. He's British.

Windows:
[in a swishy voice] Come on. "Make it so!"

[waking the guys up to show them they're in Iowa]

Hutch:
Wakey, wakey, hands off steakey.

[after seeing the two hot escorts]

Hutch:
I'd like to knock the nickels out of that p*ssy!

[last lines]

Eric:
Hey guys.

Windows:
What?

Hutch:
What, man?

Eric:
What if the movie sucks?

Eric:
Linus. Hey, stop walking. Linus! Hold up, man! Stop. What the hell, man? I did nothing to you.

Linus:
Exactly. You did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Eric Bottler graduates high school and never looks back. You bailed on our plan, Bottler!

Eric:
What plan? To be the next big thing in comics? Come on, man. That was never gonna happen. I did what I had to do, dude. I grew up. I'm the only one who did. Look at you guys.

Linus:
You know, you could fool anybody with this cheap suit, salesman-of-the-year pitch. But I know you better than anybody and deep down, you are one miserable son of a b*tch.

[Hutch subdues a Trekkie in a fight]

Hutch:
Nighty-night, Spock-sucker.

Head Of Security:
Mr. Lucas is touched and mildly flattered by what have done here. And I have been informed that I feel the same way. So the charges are gonna be dropped. That is, of course, if you are what you appear to be.

Windows:
Uh, what do we appear to be?

Head Of Security:
Fanboys. Something we can easily determine with a simple quiz.

Windows:
Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time!

Eric:
In the history of cinema?

Windows:
He's Han Solo, Indiana Jones. Yes!

Eric:
Deckard from Blade Runner.

Windows:
Yes. Exactly. Greatest actor of all time. He's never done a bad movie.

[the van drives by a billboard for the 1998 movie "Six Days, Seven Nights"]

Hutch:
You gotta find your Death Star.

Eric:
Okay, I'll bite.

Hutch:
Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did was take down the Death Star, right? As far as I'm concerned, that's what everybody needs. You need that one bad-ass thing that lets you live on forever, you know.

[after having landed in the garbage disposal room]

Windows:
I have a bad feeling about this.

Hutch:
Um, you guys don't think that the, um...

Linus:
We are in George Lucas' trash room.

Eric:
Don't be ridiculous, okay? The walls are not gonna close in on us.

[the walls begin to move in]

[after seeing his van repaired]

Hutch:
Ha ha! The Buce is back!

Linus:
Who's up for Texas, boys?

Chaz:
[to Star Wars fans dressed as Boba Fett] All right, let's move it, Boba Fags. End of the line.

Zoe:
All right everybody, shut up!

Hutch:
Oh!

Zoe:
I swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames. I'll do it.

Chaz:
[to Hutch and Windows] Holy sh*t. If it ain't C-3Penis Face and R2-D*ckhead.

Hutch:
What did you just say, you giant bastard?

Linus:
[yelling at Eric as he drives off] They were siblings. They were siblings, you sick bastard!

Admiral Seasholtz:
Just take a look-see here.

Hutch:
What's with the man-purse?

Admiral Seasholtz:
Yep. As I thought, scanner reads "douche bag."

Linus:
Hey, Bottler, hit 'em with the pressed ham!

Eric:
Klingon to this.

[Eric moons the Trekkers]

Hutch:
I'm telling you, man. I took that Vulcan down hard. I rolled him into the dirt like he was my frickin tauntaun.

Eric:
Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me, you guys would all be dead.

Windows:
What fight were you watching? I was channeling the emperor.

Linus:
The emperor? I don't remember the emperor crapping his robe and screaming "time-out."

Eric:
Oh, my God. That's right.

Windows:
There is such a thing as time-out.

Hutch:
[imitating The Emperor] I can feel your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.

Linus:
We have to strip to Menudo?

Thick-Necked Thug:
You got a problem with Menudo? Now, take it off!

Hutch:
What the hell are you doing, man? You're poking me.

Windows:
Oh, God. Don't flatter yourself, okay? It's just my R2. My lucky R2.

Hutch:
Man, you wish you had the height and girth of D2.

The Chief:
The Chief fixed it while you boys were asleep.

Eric:
The Chief fixed it. Is he around? Can we thank him?

Linus:
He's the Chief. You're the Chief, aren't you? Why didn't you say so?

The Chief:
The Chief likes to refer to himself in the third person. It causes confusion, especially with the b*tches.

Head Of Security:
By the time y'all walk away from this your face are gonna be shrunken and shriveled...

[walks up to Hutch]

Head Of Security:
...just like your one nut.

Hutch:
What? How can he possibly know that?

Head Of Security:
Oh, we know about your uniball. We know everything, Mr. Harold Hutchinson, aka Hutch. Son of Gloria. Humongous Rush fan.

Hutch:
Dude, you're freaking me out. How do you know this?

Head Of Security:
Because you have a Rush shirt on, dipshit.

[after getting flashed by a woman passerby]

Windows:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Eric:
Shut up, man! It was a hundred miles ago! Stop living in the past!

Zoe:
[Overhearing Lucas on the phone] I can hear his beard!

Zoe:
All right, everybody, shut up! Swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames! I'll do it.

THX Security Guard #4:
Go ahead, burn it.

Zoe:
I will.

THX Security Guard #4:
Yeah, burn it.

Hutch:
Guys, nobody wants this.

Zoe:
I will.

THX Security Guard #4:
[Mimicking Yoda's voice] Burn it, burn it.

Zoe:
I'm gonna.

THX Security Guard #4:
Burn it.

Zoe:
That's what I said.

THX Security Guard #4:
Burn it.

Zoe:
I said it.

THX Security Guard #4:
Good, I was always more of a Star Trek fan anyway.

Zoe:
Oh...

Hutch:
These Trekkies are everywhere.