Fat Actress

[first lines]

Kirstie Alley:
[weighing herself] Oh, my God!

Kirstie Alley:
[answering her cell phone] What?

Sam Rascal:
Kirstie? Sam. I didn't mean to offend you with the Jenny Craig offer, alright. But the money is fantastic, and it's gonna keep your face out there, and frankly that's what the networks are gonna wanna see, you know.

Kirstie Alley:
Yeah. You know, Sam, here's a news flash, okay? I'm an actress and I do television. I do television, Sam. I want my own television show. Is it so much to ask if I want my own television show again, since that's what I do for a living?

Sam Rascal:
The reality is if you wanna get your own show, you're gonna have to lose some weight.

Kirstie Alley:
Well, why can't I just get a show first and then lose the weight.

Sam Rascal:
That's not the way it works, my friend.

Kirstie Alley:
You know what, my friend, it does work that way with the guys. I mean, look at John Goodman, he's got his own show! And Jason Alexander? He looks like a fricken bowling ball, and how about James Gadol... uh... fino! He's like the size of a whale. He is way, way, *way* fatter than I am! Alright? And do you think... Sam, listen to me, listen to me! Do you think they said to Marlon Brando, listen, hey Marlon, you're a little bit too f***in fat to do Apocalypse.

Sam Rascal:
But they are all *men*.

Kirstie Alley:
I can play a man! I am an actress.

Kirstie Alley:
I want some fries. Where are my fries? [shouts outside the car window] Can't you people learn to speak English? You live in the friggin' United States of America! I ordered french fries!

Kevyn Shecket:
Did you see yourself on the cover of "Star" magazine this week?

Kirstie Alley:
Ugh. How much do I weigh now?

Kevyn Shecket:
Three sixty.

[last lines]

Kirstie Alley:
Pretty. [sings] I am pretty, I am pretty, I am pretty, I am pretty.

Little Jorge:
So, when is the baby due?

Kirstie Alley:
Eleven weeks!

Kirstie's Mom:
[seeing Kirstie's kitchen] Well, we're not in Kansas anymore.

Eddie Falcon:
Are you f***ing kidding me? That is a classic example of the power of p*ssy. You see what that does to a man?

Kevyn Shecket:
No, maybe he really loves her. Maybe it's not lust, Eddie.

Eddie Falcon:
What Disney Channel are you watching?

Kirstie Alley:
As God is my witness, I will never be fat again!

Quinn Taylor Scott:
Okay, I've got the perfect thing. Why don't you do something exotic like umm, acquire a parasite. All three of you.

Kirstie Alley:
Mmm. Where do we get parasites?

Quinn Taylor Scott:
You could go on vacation, you know, somewhere exotic, like Asia, India, Africa. You eat the food, drink the water, lick a local, you get the parasite.

Kirstie Alley:
Any old parasite?

Kevyn Shecket:
Yeah, I vote no on the parasites.