Fathers' Day

Dale Putley:
How did you get her husband to talk?

Jack Lawrence:
I head-butted him.

Dale Putley:
How Joe Pesci of you. What are gonna do with her, run her tits through the Visa machine?

Dale Putley:
Jack, look at this.

Jack Lawrence:
It's money. I remember it from when I was single.

Dale Putley:
For years I've thought about killing myself. It's the only thing that kept me going.

Nikki:
Well, Scotty, you're boring. I liked you for a while, but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick.

Dale Putley:
That was lovely.

Jack Lawrence:
Yes, Hallmark is waiting for you.

Rose:
Where do you like to stay?

Jack Lawrence:
My house, but it's in Los Angeles.

Jack Lawrence:
What happened?

Dale Putley:
He poured hot coffee all over my penis. Took my clothes and he ran away.

Jack Lawrence:
Don't cry! Now where is he?

Dale Putley:
I don't know.

Jack Lawrence:
I don't like you.

Dale Putley:
Do you have a boyfriend?

Woman with broken car:
No!

Dale Putley:
Good! Me neither!

Jack Lawrence:
This kid is a major pain in the ass, he's so damn annoying.

Carrie:
You don't like anything that's annoying.

Jack Lawrence:
Who does?

Carrie:
No I mean that's a special thing for you.

Scott:
I stole that money.

Jack Lawrence:
Okay.

Scott:
From drug dealers.

Dale Putley:
ARE YOU NUTS?

Jack Lawrence:
Hey calm down! Take it easy! Scott just give it back to them.

Scott:
I spent it.

Jack Lawrence:
YOU SPENT IT? HE SPENT MONEY FROM DRUG DEALERS!

Dale Putley:
Calm down, take it easy. Scott, you can't run from these guys. They'll find you. They'll come to your house, take all your money and then beat the sh*t out of you. Happened to me a few times.

Dale Putley:
Do you know who I am? I am the cowboy with the Village People, Bob, if I don't get back there, it's just gonna be "Y-M-_-A!"

Jack Lawrence:
This is for my fine. This is for his fine. This is for the boy's fine. This is for getting the car out of the impound, and this is for the fabulous breakfast buffet we had this morning. Are eggs supposed to make noise when you eat them?

Dale Putley:
See you next year at the reunion.

Scott:
Why are you doing this?

Jack Lawrence:
We're your fathers.

Jack Lawrence:
How about crying again? You know, it might reach her maternal...thing.

Dale Putley:
Cry? Just like that?

Jack Lawrence:
You cried when we missed the exit!

Dale Putley:
Don't mock me.

Dale Putley:
I wrote this musical called "Hello, Doctor, it's Still Swollen." It had a great opening, went like this: "Hello Mr. Colon, my prostate's feelin' swollen. I think that things are flowin' not so well."

Dale Putley:
Breakfast! "I'm feelin' kinda hanus cause there's something in my..."

Jack Lawrence:
Dale, I feel like I'm in a white Bronco.

Dale Putley:
Sorry, I just get anxious driving over bridges.

Jack Lawrence:
That's because you're going 20 miles per hour.

Dale Putley:
I'm going 35 miles per hour, Jack!

Jack Lawrence:
Yeah I can feel the G-Force.

Dale Putley:
I'm an actor. A writer at large. I produce plays, things from my soul. But it's avant guard, very experimental.

Jack Lawrence:
You mean with guinea pigs?

Jack Lawrence:
You're a tragic hero. You're Lou Gehrig.

Dale Putley:
Who?

Jack Lawrence:
Lou Gehrig. Everybody knows Lou Gehrig. The baseball player. He died of Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Dale Putley:
Wow, what are the odds on that?

Jack Lawrence:
You know what? Take my car.

Dale Putley:
You're giving me your car Jack? That's so Elvis of you.

Jack Lawrence:
Not to keep. To take the airport. I'll get it in the morning.

Dale Putley:
You want me driving your car?

Jack Lawrence:
It's just a thing. It's a priceless, irreplaceable thing.

Scott:
I feel like such a loser.

Dale Putley:
Come on Scott, you're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

Dale Putley:
Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

Lee:
No all we need is money, Mate.

Scott:
The money is safe. It's in a safe! It's at the hotel where I'm staying. I'll go get it.

Lee:
Um, do I have 'a**hole' tattooed on my forehead for something? I think we all better go get it, eh? Now Scott, you're not bullshitting us are you? Because if you're bullshitting us, I'm gonna kill you.

Jack Lawrence:
He was lying to me but he made me feel good.

Carrie Lawrence:
What do you mean he lied to you?

Jack Lawrence:
Lied right to my face. Big time lie.

Carrie Lawrence:
How do you know?

Jack Lawrence:
I'm a lawyer. People lie to me all the time.

Jack Lawrence:
How long have you been driving?

Dale Putley:
About 30 years now.

Jack Lawrence:
Oh? Listen these things take time. Brake! Brake!

Jack Lawrence:
Perfect.

Dale Putley:
$5,000 in cash. What is he doing with $5,000 in cash?

Jack Lawrence:
He stole it.

Dale Putley:
Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusion?

Jack Lawrence:
Okay, he won it in a hair whirl contest.