Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Ferris:
Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.

Cameron:
I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it.

Ferris:
Hey, Cameron. You realize if we played by the rules right now we'd be in gym?

Cameron:
What'd I do?

Ferris:
You killed the car.

Cameron:
He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me until I come over. He'll make me feel guilty. This is uh... This is ridiculous, ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. What - I'LL GO. Sh*t.

Cameron:
Why'd you kick me?

Ferris:
Where's your brain?

Cameron:
Why'd you kick me?

Ferris:
Where's your brain?

Cameron:
Why'd you kick me?

Ferris:
Where's your brain?

Cameron:
I asked you first.

Ferris:
How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her?

Cameron:
I said for her to be there alone and you freaked.

Ferris:
Now, I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you.

Cameron:
You hit me. Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion. And-and-and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.

Ferris:
If you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend.

Cameron:
You've been saying that since the fifth grade.

Economics Teacher:
In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. "Voodoo" economics.

Ed Rooney:
I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.

Cameron:
Ferris Bueller, you're my hero.

Ferris:
Hi. Do you speak English?

Garage Attendant:
Uh, what country do you think this is?

Sloane:
The city looks so peaceful from up here.

Ferris:
Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet.

Cameron:
I think I see my dad.

Cameron:
Okay Ferris, can we just let it go, please?

Sloane:
Ferris, please. You've gone to far. We're going to get busted.

Ferris:
A: You can never go too far. B: If I'm gonna get busted, it is *not* gonna be by a guy like *that*.

Grace:
Oh, Ed. You just sounded like Dirty Harry just then.

Ed Rooney:
Really? Thanks, Grace.

Ferris:
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.

Boy in Police Station:
You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore.

Ed Rooney:
Between grief and nothing... I'll take grief.

Sloane:
Great.

Economics Teacher:
Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

Simone:
Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

Economics Teacher:
Thank you, Simone

Simone:
No problem whatsoever.

Grace:
Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, d*ckheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

Jeannie:
There is an intruder - male, Caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird - in my kitchen... M-my-my-my name is Bueller...

Jeannie:
Look, it's real nice that you hope my brother is feeling better, but I'm in danger, okay? I am very cute, very alone and very protective of my body. I don't want it violated or killed, all right? I need help! Speaka de English? D*CKHEAD!

Boy in Police Station:
Drugs?

Jeannie:
Thank you, no. I'm straight.

Boy in Police Station:
I meant, are you in here for drugs?

Jeannie:
Why are you here?

Boy in Police Station:
Drugs.

Jeannie:
I don't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys would make me go to school.

Ferris:
Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

Ferris:
The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.

Cameron:
The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion.

Ferris:
It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.

Garage Attendant:
You guys got nothing to worry about, I'm a professional.

Cameron:
A professional what?

Ferris:
Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.

Ed Rooney:
Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.

Singing Nurse:
I heard that you were feeling ill / Headache, fever, and a chill / I came to help restore your pluck / 'Cause I'm the nurse who likes to...

Ed Rooney:
I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him.

Grace:
Well, with your bad knee Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody... Its true.

Ed Rooney:
What is so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is he gives good kids bad ideas.

Grace:
Mmm-hmm.

Ed Rooney:
Last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectivley govern this student body.

Grace:
Well, makes you look like an ass is what he does, Ed.

Jeannie:
Well, where is she? This is her daughter.

Jeannie:
Do know where she is?

Jeannie:
Well, do you know when she'll be back?

Jeannie:
Do you know anything?

Maitre D':
I weep for the future.

Ed Rooney:
Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?

Katie Bueller:
I don't understand.

Ed Rooney:
He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year.

Katie Bueller:
This is all news to me.

Ed Rooney:
It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.

Katie Bueller:
Nine times?

Ed Rooney:
Nine times.

Katie Bueller:
I don't remember him being sick nine times.

Ed Rooney:
That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.

Katie Bueller:
I can't believe it.

Ed Rooney:
I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days...

Ferris:
I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

Ferris:
Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like sh*t, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

Katie Bueller:
I just picked up Jeannie at the police station! She got a speeding ticket, another speeding ticket, and I lost the Vermont deal because of her!

Tom Bueller:
I think we should shoot her.

Boy in Police Station:
There's someone you should talk to.

Jeannie:
If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle.

Boy in Police Station:
Oh, you know him?

Maitre D':
I'm suggesting that you leave before I have to get snooty.

Ferris:
Snooty?

Maitre D':
Snotty.

Ferris:
Snotty?

Ferris:
Four thousand restaurants in the downtown area, I pick the one my father goes to.

Cameron:
We're pinched, for sure.

Ferris:
Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive.

Ferris:
Never had one lesson!

Ferris:
I do have a test today. that wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who cares if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car.

Ferris:
Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today - Cameron Frye, this one's for you.

Jeannie:
I can't drive when you're yelling at me! STOP IT!

Ferris:
Don't worry about it, I don't even have a piece of sh*t. I have to envy yours.

Cameron:
Oh, thanks.

Cameron:
Hey batta batta batta hey batta batta batta SWING batta!

Sloane:
What could happen to it? It's in a garage.

Cameron:
It could get wrecked, stolen, breathed on wrong...

Ed Rooney:
So THAT's how it is in their family...

Boy in Police Station:
What's your name?

Jeannie:
It's Jean, but most guys call me Shauna.

Boy in Police Station:
Bye Jean.

Ferris:
It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

Mr. Rooney:
I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him.

Grace:
Well, with your bad knee, Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody. [Ed looks at Grace] It's true.

Mr. Rooney:
What is so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is he gives good kids bad ideas.

Grace:
Uh-huh.

Mr. Rooney:
Last thing I need at this point in my career is 1,500 Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this student body.

Grace:
Well, he makes you look like an ass, is what he does, Ed.

Mr. Rooney:
Thank you, Grace. I think you're wrong.

Grace:
Oh, well, he's very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, d*ckheads — They all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

Mr. Rooney:
That is why I have got to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first-class ticket to nowhere.

Grace:
Oh, Ed, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then.

Mr. Rooney:
Really?

Grace:
Uh-huh.

Mr. Rooney:
[smiles] Thanks, Grace.

Grace:
[picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.

Cameron:
[disguising his voice] This is George Peterson.

Grace:
Oh! Uh, please hold. [to Mr. Rooney] What do ya know? It's Mr. Peterson. You still want his daytime number? [realizing] Oh.

Mr. Rooney:
[on the phone] Ed Rooney.

Cameron:
Ed. This is George Peterson.

Mr. Rooney:
How are you today, sir?

Cameron:
Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.

Mr. Rooney:
Yeah, I heard, and, ooh, I'm all broken up. Boy, what a blow.

Cameron:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning, and, uh, we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it.

Mr. Rooney:
Uh, sure. Y'know, I'd be happy to. Yeah. You, uh, you-you just produce a corpse, and, uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.

Grace:
[suspiciously] Ed?

Mr. Rooney:
[covering the phone; thinking he's talking to Ferris Bueller] It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller, the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap, and let him fall right in it.

Grace:
Ooh!

Cameron:
Uh, uh, Ed, I-I'm sorry, did-- Did you say you wanted to see a body?

Mr. Rooney:
Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know, that's school policy.

Cameron:
Oh?

Mr. Rooney:
Uh, was this your mother?

Cameron:
Uh, n-no, my wife's mother.

Grace:
[picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.

Ferris:
Hi, this is Ferris Bueller. Can I speak to Mr. Rooney, please? Thank you.

Grace:
[caught off-guard] Uh... hold.

Mr. Rooney:
Tell ya what, dipshit. You don't like my policies, you can come on down here and smooch my big ol' white butt.

Grace:
[loud whisper] Ed!

Mr. Rooney:
Pucker up, Buttercup. [to Grace; quietly] What?

Grace:
Ferris Bueller's on line 2.

[Ferris and Cameron enter the garage, where Cameron shows Ferris his father's prized possession]

Cameron:
The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than 100 were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love. It is his passion.

Ferris:
[eyes the car hungrily] It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.

Cameron:
Ferris, what are you talkin' about?

[Ferris leans on the car]

Ferris:
Ooh!

Cameron:
Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself.

Ferris:
A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.

[Ferris walks around the car]

Cameron:
No. No. Apparently, you don't understand.

Ferris:
Wow.

Cameron:
Ferris, he never drives it. He just rubs it with a diaper. [runs his finger across the car] Hey. Remember how insane he went when I broke my retainer? Huh? Come on, that was a little piece of plastic. This is a Ferrari.

Ferris:
Qué bella. [kisses his fingers] Cameron, I'm sorry, but we can't pick up Sloane in your car. Mr. Rooney would never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of sh*t.

Cameron:
[under his breath] It's not a piece of sh*t.

Ferris:
It is a piece of sh*t. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of sh*t; I have to envy yours.

Cameron:
[sarcastically] Oh, thanks.

Ferris:
[desperately] Look, I'm sorry. There's nothing else we can do. [Ferris slowly gets in the Ferrari, and closes the door] Ooh.

Cameron:
He knows the mileage, Ferris.

Ferris:
He doesn't trust you?

Cameron:
Never has, never will.

Ferris:
Look, this is real simple. Whatever miles we put on, we'll take off.

Cameron:
How?

Ferris:
We'll drive home backwards.

Cameron:
[laughs coldly] No. No! [Ferris starts the car] Ferris, forget it. You're just gonna have to think of something else. I'm putting my foot down. [Ferris smiles as he drives the Ferrari out of the garage] How about we rent a nice Cadillac?! My treat! We could call a limo! A nice stretch job with a TV and a bar! How 'bout that?!

Ferris:
[drives back to pick up Cameron] Come on! Live a little!

Sloane:
What are we gonna do?

Ferris:
The question isn't "What are we going to do?", the question is "What aren't we going to do?"

Cameron:
Don't say we're not gonna take the car home. Please don't say we're not gonna take the car home. Please don't say we're not gonna take the car home.

Ferris:
[to the home audience] If you had access to a car like this, would you take it back right away? [beat] Neither would I.

Ferris:
[after inspecting the dashboard of the car] Hey, Cameron?

Cameron:
Yeah?

Ferris:
How many miles did you say this thing had on it when we left?

Cameron:
126 and halfway between three and 4/10. Why? How many miles are on it now?

[Ferris pulls over; Cameron takes a closer look at the mileage on the dashboard:
301.7 miles]

Ferris:
Here's where Cameron goes berserk.

[Cameron screams]

Ferris:
4,000 restaurants in the downtown area, I pick the one my father goes to.

Cameron:
We're pinched for sure.

Ferris:
No way, Cameron. Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive. [puts on his beret] Let's go.

Cameron:
Let's surrender.

Ferris:
Never.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it.

Ferris Bueller:
If anybody needs a day off it's Cameron. He's got a lotta things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound up this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. Pardon my French, but Cameron is so uptight, if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in 2 weeks, you'd have a diamond.

Ferris Bueller:
[last line; in post-credits scene] [to home audience; after emerging from his bedroom] You're still here? It's over. Go home. [walks back to his bedroom; shoos audience away] Go.