Firesign Theatre Presents 'Hot Shorts'

[over a shot of a map labelled "Alcana," on the border of Alaska and Canada]

Narrator:
Alcana! A thin town on the dotted line between Mexico and Israel!

[having captured an anti-smoking resistance fighter]

German Commandant:
This man is Butt Buster.

Corporal Galvoiser:
Quoi?

German Commandant:
Can you say 'Butt Buster'?

Corporal Galvoiser:
[heavy French accent] Bu-u-utt Bustair?

German Commandant:
Huh. Guess you can't.

Butt Buster:
[after fighting the Nazi smokers] Herr Fatso couldn't handle his smoke.

Captain Smokestopper:
And I handle myself. You're talking to Captain Smokestopper.

Butt Buster:
Really? You're putting me on!

Captain Smokestopper:
I'll prove it. This is the ring I got for not smoking in the bathroom at St. Nicotine's...just like yours. That's right, Butt. Captain Galvoiser told us all about you.

Butt Buster:
And I read all about YOU in the "Straight People's Weekly," didn't I?

Captain Smokestopper:
I wrote the story, and I took the picture in one of those booths for a quarter. And I named myself Captain Smokestopper, so I'd never forget to remember my name.

[complimenting Captain Smokestopper's costume]

Butt Buster:
They're bitchin' threads. Guess you have to beat off the girls.

Captain Smokestopper:
Nah, I handle myself.

Captain Kiddy:
What have you got to show me?

Captain Kiddy's Scientist:
You're probably going to pretend to hit me when I tell you.

[Captain Kiddy raises his hand as if to strike him, then stops]

Captain Kiddy's Scientist:
You see?

[fleeing from a flood of Silly Putty]

Barbie:
If that Silly Putty hits us, it'll bounce our brains out!

Ken:
That shouldn't bother you any.

[singing, after Barbie shoots Captain Kiddy]

Captain Kiddy's Scientist:
You killed the pirate with his own toy gun!

[speaking to God, who is a beautiful blonde woman]

Archangel Gabe:
Look, we gotta modernize, and that's why we made a pin-up like you God. Right, Jerry?

Jerry, the Ex-God:
Right. I was God when old men were happening. And though that scam lasted for 5,000 years, these Californicates are youth-oriented.

Archangel Gabe:
[thinking] I've got plans for this dump, and no ditzy diety's gonna stop me!

Jerry, the Ex-God:
[thinking] I don't trust that bozo's interior monologues.

Jerry, the Ex-God:
[thinking] This is a great time for an interior monologue. Wish I had something to say.