First Kid

Sam Simms:
Just be careful out there in cyberspace. Don't tell them anything.

Sam Simms:
What's the difference?

Linda Davenport:
You're in high school now, and I expect you to act like it.

Luke Davenport:
Then don't dress me in these dorky clothes.

Linda Davenport:
You're not dressed in dorky clothes, you're in nice clothes. You look very handsome. You should consider yourself lucky.

Luke Davenport:
I should consider myself dorky.

Wilkes:
This is the black tie affair!

Sam Simms:
I know, sir and I got it covered. I'm black and I'm wearing a tie.

Speet:
He spanked you like a four year old at K-Mart.

Agent Dash:
You guys suck.

Sam Simms:
We suck, ya hear that Luke? We suck, alright, we suck! Let's make a sucky left turn here.

Luke Davenport:
What are you doing?

Sam Simms:
I'm doing my job, keepin' you alive, I'm testing your food.

Luke Davenport:
But why do you always test my cookies?

Luke Davenport:
The kitchen's closed.

Sam Simms:
I'm Agent Double-Oh Simms. I can get into any kitchen.

Sam Simms:
I ain't skated since I was a kid, and *back then* I had a pizza face. Now I got a great big pizza face!

Morton:
I'm gonna be watching you, Simms, and the minute you screw up you're gonna be working mail fraud in east Cleveland. You understand me? OR AM I YELLING AT TOO HIGH A FREQUENCY?!

Sam Simms:
No, Sir, I got my ear piece in.

Sam Simms:
Luke! Say did you see the kid come out here?

Sam Simms:
Then why didn't you stop him?

Luke Davenport:
But we go boxing. I could go as Reggie!

Sam Simms:
You could go as Michael Jordan, but you ain't going.

Sam Simms:
Don't just stand there. Say "Hello".

Luke Davenport:
HELLO!

Sam Simms:
Yeah, just make the girl go deaf. They love that.

Morton:
And lose that tie. You look like you robbed a dead clown.

Luke Davenport:
I only get to see my parents on the news.

Sam Simms:
No, that's your "boo-tay" you've been seeing on the news.

Sam Simms:
You know what's gonna happen if I let you go? Morton is gonna call me in. Then he's going to chew my butt off. I'll be sitting there and my butt's gonna get smaller and smaller and by the time I get up, my back is going to be on my thighs. Because I won't have no butt. You wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you? Of course you wouldn't.

Luke Davenport:
It sure would be a shame if I told my dad about you taking me boxing.

Sam Simms:
It would be a shame if I threw you out that window too.