First Wives Club

Brenda:
What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?

Brenda:
My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a mustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a bid drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go roller-blading.

Brenda:
There she is. Princess Pelvis!

Elise:
No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!

Uncle Carmine:
Brenda, I speak, on behalf of my dearly departed brother, your father, that Morty is garbage, and that it would be an honor to take him out.

Brenda:
Let's examine the evidence. Look! all bottles and gallon jugs!

Elise:
I had guests!

Brenda:
Who? Guns N Roses?

Elise:
I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.

Brenda:
No, that's why your co-stars drink.

Annie:
I'm very sorry I've ever met you. And I'm sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years. I'm sorry that I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every hour and support you in you're every MOVE. I'm sorry!

Chris Paradis:
Dad, I'm a lesbian. A big one.

Elise:
You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I do have feelings. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!

Ivana Trump:
Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.

Elise:
If only she'd called me. If only I was listed.

Dr. Morris Packman:
Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are gonna look like they stuck stuck in a pool drain.

Bill:
You vindictive sack of silicone!

Brenda:
My, my, the bulimia has certainly paid off.

Catherine:
You are married. You have a daughter. You don't need self-esteem.

Elise:
It's the 90s, plastic surgery is like good grooming.

Dr. Morris Packman:
If I give you one more face lift you're going to be able to blink your lips!

Brenda:
Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!

Shelly:
Brenda, why don't you try on one of these in *your size*?

Brenda:
What's wrong?

Jilted Lover:
It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds.

Brenda:
That's just like my Morty.

Jilted Lover:
Who?

Brenda:
Morty.

Jilted Lover:
She's butch.

Shelly:
Gunilla Garson Goldberg, personally inviting me to one of her super-social luncheons!

Morty:
Why?

Gunilla:
Social climbers on the rise.

Annie:
Let's synchronize our watches.

Brenda:
Oh, just like "Mission: Impossible!"

Elise:
Oh, that was a big hit.

Duarto:
Leave me alone. One hour. One hour. One hour, thank YOU!

Elise:
I'm not Monique's Mother!

Maurice:
No.

Elise:
Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother!

Maurice:
Uh-huh.

Elise:
Shelley Winters is Monique's mother!

Maurice:
Now that's a good one.

Elise:
Sean Connery is Monique's mother!

Maurice:
And I'm going to get you some coffee.

Elise:
I'm unhappy, Maurice!

Maurice:
And I'm going to get you that coffee now.

Brenda:
I remember, your first talk-y.

Elise:
Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? "Best digestion?"

Elise:
Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda?

Brenda:
Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project?

Elise:
Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?

Phoebe LaVelle:
Hi, I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies and I want to be just like you. Only, me!

Brenda:
Where's Shell?

Morty:
In the car.

Brenda:
Glove compartment?

Morty:
Trunk.

Annie:
What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start slapping away?

Elise:
Been there!

Brenda:
Done that!

Elise:
Well now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.

Brenda:
Wake up and smell the audit!

Brenda:
Ya know I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off Park Avenue.

Elise:
And you didn't even invite me to your son's bar mitzvah!

Brenda:
I didn't think you would come.

Annie:
Yeah, it was in Hebrew!

Brenda:
Oh shutup!

Elise:
You've always been jealous of me, even in college! Because I was blonde and beautiful, and could have any guy I wanted!

Brenda:
Could and did! All the senior class and half the faculty!

Elise:
It was the sixties.

Brenda:
Those lips - what's in 'em? Are they wax?