Flushed Away

Roddy St. James:
This wacko has been chasing after me!

Roddy St. James:
I'm being attacked by a madwoman! She's got crayons!

Rita Malone:
Oi! Kermit!

Rita Malone:
What are you, some kind of rat boomerang?!

Rita Malone:
Go, go, purple custard!

Sid:
Careful, mate! Those aren't chocolate buttons!

Sid:
You plonker! Think I don't know a toilet when I see one?

Sid:
I would not do that if I was you, pal. Let me lay this out for you: this place is mine now. Sid says, "Jump!", you say, "How high?". Hey-hey! Comprende?

Sid:
Bon voyage, me old cream cracker!

Sid:
What a loo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooser!

Sid:
[When Roddy is dragging him towards the toilet] No, please don't flush me, Roddy! I can't survive down there! I've gone soft!

Roddy:
Heaven help me!

Toad:
Ice him! Ice them both! (Scene cuts to fridge scene) Let's see if there's anything good in the fridge former enemies one and all a catalogue of thieves double crossers and do gooders Prepare to meet your maker your ice maker

The Toad:
[To Spike and Whitey] Faster, you idiots! They're escaping!

The Toad:
Let's see if there's anything good in the fridge.

The Toad:
Prepare to meet your maker... your ice maker. [cackling evilly]

The Toad:
Huzzah! A man of quality!

The Toad:
You wretched vermin! I'll make you pay for this!

Spike:
Blimey it's cold!

Spike:
Target at 12:00!

Spike:
You look pretty ridiculous now, Millicent!

Spike:
Enough games... TO THE RATMOBILES!

Spike:
Hitmen don't wear mittens! Take'em off! You're embarrassing me!

Spike:
There they are! Go get 'em, lads!

Spike:
Danger is my middle name!

Spike:
Any last requests!?

Spike:
Your choice, mate! You can talk now, or you can talk later! Ain't that right, Persuader? [As the Persuader] Yeah, but in a much higher voice! You'll be singin' like a tea kettle! [As himself] Ha ha! Good one, Persuader!

Spike:
Come on then! Spit it out!

Whitey:
The booty's in the booty!

Whitey:
Keep your legs straight!

Whitey:
Cable-centric, boss!

Whitey:
Would that be port or starboard?

Whitey:
I saw an opportunity, and I seized it!

Whitey:
Scrabble! Ha ha ha ha ha... (snort)

Whitey:
That's why I wore me mittens.

Whitey:
[Talking to Roddy while going to the Toad] So you're from up top, eh? I-- I used to work in a laboratory up top. Yeah. Big shampoo job. I-- I was dark grey when we started. Yeah. Still, it cleared up me dandruff! Ha ha ha!

Whitey:
You shouldn't sneak up on people. It's not polite.

Whitey:
I kept me legs straight, Spike!

Whitey:
I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.

Le Frog:
[First line, when the Toad sternly notes he is late] Fashionably late, my annoying English cousin. I know no other way.

Le Frog:
Forgive me, my warty English cousin, but this bizarre obsession with the rats; it is not good for you. You are becoming what we French call... "Le Fruitcake!"

Le Frog:
I find everyone's pain funny but my own. I'm French!

Le Frog:
[On the Toad] He's cuckoo, but family.

Le Frog:
I have triumphed! You stupid English, with your Yorkshire puddings and your chips and fish!

Le Frog:
Give it a rest, cousin! And get your kids a puppy!

Le Frog:
You're going to pay for that, my little chocalate croissant. But first, a word from our sponser. [Clicks his fingers] Marcel?

Tadpole:
Is this the glorious amphibian dawn, dad?

The Toad:
Anything for you, my little man.

Tadpole:
Can I have a pony?

The Toad:
No.

Tadpole:
A puppy?

The Toad:
We'll talk about it.

[Suddenly, all of the tadpoles in the tank start clamoring for a puppy]

The Toad:
No! You can't all have puppies, please! Daddy's working!

Tabitha! - Here's a little more

Toad:
Perhaps you forget that it was a rat who cast me from paradise!

Le Frog:
[Rolling his eyes] Oh please not the scrapbook again.

Toad:
[pulls a book off a shelf] My memoirs. Volume one details the dire and tragic story of my youth.

Le Frog:
Oh mon dieu.

Toad:
Of all the pets in Buckingham Palace, young Prince Charles fancied me the best. We would frolic day after sunny day in royal abandon sharing that sweet and magical bond between boy and toad.

Le Frog:
You're going to make me throw up.

Toad:
We were inseparable until... it arrived. THAT RAT! While the poor boy's head was turned, I was cruelly plunged into a whirlpool of despair.

Le Frog:
I know, I know you were flushed away down the loo right? Boo hoo hoo, it is so dark, so cold, so terrible. [chuckles]

Toad:
You find my pain funny?

Le Frog:
I find everyone's pain funny but my own, I'm French.

Toad:
[stands up and knocks over a table] JUST GET THE CABLE!

[first lines]

Mother:
Car's here!

Father:
It's 9:00 Already! We're going to miss our flight!

Mother:
Traveller's checks passed.

[bell dings]

Father:
You have the tickets, darling?

Mother:
Tabitha, did you feed Roddy?

Tabitha:
Oops.

Mother:
[offscreen] I know we've forgotten something. I just know we've forgotten something.

Tabitha:
Roddy, where are you? [spilling in food] We'll be back in a few days, so here's enough food for you. Here's more.

Mother:
[offscreen] Tabitha!

Tabitha:
Here's a little more.

Mother:
[offscreen] I hope you're not overfeeding him.

Tabitha:
Of course not, Mom.

Father:
[offscreen] Come on, Tabitha!

Tabitha:
Bye, Roddy!

Father:
[offscreen] We don't want to miss our holiday.

Tabitha:
I'm coming, I'm coming!

[runs out of the house and closes the door]

Roddy:
[sniffs] When the cat's away.....the mice will play! The holiday starts now, everyone! Music, maestro!

[Roddy starts Dancing with Myself plays]

Liam:
He's gonna steal your boat.

Rita:
He won't steal my boat.

Liam:
He's stealing your boat.

Rita:
He isn't stealing...

Liam:
He stole your boat.

Rita:
What?

Liam:
He's like Robin Hood in reverse.

Roddy:
Whatever's going on, I assure you, I'm not involved. I'm just an innocent bystander.

Spike:
Rita, Rita, Rita. [laughs] Thought you could give us the slip? [Slips and falls] What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right! Who have we got here?

Whitey:
I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.

Rita:
Tell me about yourself, Roddy.

Roddy:
Well, there's not much to tell.

Rita:
You know everything about me, warts and all. I don't even know what you do.

Roddy:
I'm... I'm in a boy band.

Rita:
What?

Roddy:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm the posh one.

Roddy:
Will you please tell these people I'm not involved in this?

Rita:
Fine. All right, all right, listen up. This gentleman, he's not from around here.

Roddy:
Thank you.

Rita:
Just look how nicely he's dressed.

Roddy:
Ah, thank you.

Rita:
And why? Because he's an international jewel thief!

Roddy:
Precisely... What? No, no!

Sid:
Be seeing you my friend.

Le Frog:
We leave immediately!

Henchfrog:
What about dinner?

Le Frog:
We leave... in five hours.

Spike:
Blimy, it's cold.

Whitey:
That's why I wore me mittens.

Spike:
Wha... Hitmen don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrassing me!

Whitey:
It's all right for you. You've got little hands. They don't freeze as much.

Rita:
What are you, some kind of rat boomerang?! Give me back my ruby!

Roddy:
I haven't got your ruby!

[the ruby falls on Roddy's hand, Rita gasps]

Roddy:
Okay. Well, now I've got your ruby.

Roddy:
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Rita:
Please be careful! That ruby means a lot to me. It's priceless!

Roddy:
Hold on... [looks at the ruby] It's a fake.

Rita:
Ha, ha, ha! No, it's blooming not. It's real!

Roddy:
No, no, look. It's..it’s just glass.

Rita:
It's real!

Roddy:
Fake.

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake.

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake.

[short pause]

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake.

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake.

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Fake.

Rita:
Real!

Roddy:
Look, look, look, look, look, look, look. You can tell. Watch this. [breaks the ruby; Rita gasps in shock, as they watch the ruby pieces sink in the water] There, you see? I mean, you can't break a real ruby. [Rita growls furiously as she looks at him] Ah, right. I probably should've done that, but look on the bright side, I saved your neck. I mean, once the Toad knows it's worthless, he'll stop chasing you for it. Roddy St. James saves the day! [Rita punches him, and he tumbles into the bottom of the boat]

The Toad:
Where are those idiots? [to his tadpoles] It's so hard to get hope these days, my boys. Yes, that's right. [The Toad speaks in a baby voice] Oh, come on out, my lovelies. Cheer your old dad up. Poor Daddy, surrounded by flithy rats in this joyless, sunless void! But don't worry, my little men. Daddy will get rid of them all! He will. They'll all be deady-weady. [The Toad kisses the jar, and his tadpoles hug their daddy from inside. Spike and Whitey arrive. The Toad hides his jar, but still has his baby voice.] Did you find it?

Spike:
Eh?

The Toad:
[snaps out of it] Ah! Did you find it?

Spike:
Well, we got most of it, boss. [he and Whitey show The Toad pieces of the ruby. The Toad knocks it out of their hands]

The Toad:
Forget! The ruby! It's the master cable that I want. The one that grubby creature Rita took.

Spike and Whitey:
Oh!

The Toad:
Without it, my plan is ruined!

Spike:
Okay, chief. Forget the ruby. Ruby's gone. See? See? Moving on. We are now your cable guys.

Whitey:
Focused. Cable-centric, boss.

The Toad:
You need to be back in time for the World Cup Final.

Spike:
Oh, great! Are we watching the game together, boss?

[The Toad growls angrily; cut to outside his office; Spike and Whitey get thrown through a glass window]

The Toad:
JUST GET THE CABLE!

Whitey:
Keep your legs straight!

Whitey:
Are you sure about this, Spike? These things are dangerous.

Spike:
Danger is my middle name!

Whitey:
I thought it was Lesley.

Whitey:
Oh, I love a happy ending.

Spike:
Oh, you've gone soft. I like unhappy endings, with lots of violence.

[A champagne bottle hits away Spike and press him against the wall]

Whitey:
Are you happy now, Spike?

Action Figure:
Approaching enemy lines. I'm armed and ready.

Roddy:
At ease, soldier.

Action Figure:
Give up your weapons of mass destruction! Come get me, enemy of freedom!

Roddy:
Stop it! That's enough! Shush!

Action Figure:
I'm armed and ready. Tell Mom I... love... her.

Sid:
Be seeing you, my friend. [flushing Roddy down the drain] You plonker! You think I don't know a toilet when I see one? You were going to flush me down the loo!

Roddy:
No! No, no, no! It's a big jacuzzi, deluxe model!

Sid:
Then you won't mind if I get the bubbles going, will ya?

Roddy:
No, not the lever! Have mercy! No! I can't swim!

Sid:
Bon voyage, me old cream cracker. Hold your nose.

Roddy:
No, no, no! You can't do this!

Sid:
You were going to try and flush me? Let's see how you like it!

Goldfish:
[Roddy picks up fish] Have you seen my dad?

Roddy:
Oh, no, I can't swim! I can't swim! I can't swim. I'm... in... the sewer! No-o-o!

[Roddy screams]

[a slug screams]

[Roddy screams]

[a slug screams]

[banging]

Roddy:
[echoing] Hello? Help? I'm gonna open my eyes and be home. This is all a bad dream. I'm not home! I wanna go home! Shush! Stop it. Roddy! I want to go home! Pull yourself together! I can't. I'm frightened. Stop it, stop it, stop it! All right, Roddy, old man, you can get yourself out of here, and you will. Never forget, the blood of the courageous James clan flows through your veins.

[Roddy screams]

[slugs scream]

[Roddy screams]

[slugs scream]

[Roddy screams]

[car horns]

[slug squealing]

Crowd:
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Roddy:
A way out! Yes! Ha-ha! [screams]

[as Roddy is sent flying through a clothesline]

Passerby:
Is it a bird?

Passerby #2:
Is it a plane?

Passerby #3:
Is that guy wearing my underpants?

Priest:
You may now kiss the bride.

Le Frog:
OK men. To action!

Henchfrogs:
We Surrender!

Le Frog:
NO! Not that one, you idiots! The kung-fu thing!

[last lines]

Tabitha:
Roddy! I'm home! [Sid gasps] I brought you a new friend!

[she holds up a cat]

Sid:
[screaming]

Spike:
Daddy, he's getting away. Do something.

Roddy:
Your fired you messed it all up!

Roddy St. James:
Wake up. I think there's someone in the house.

Roddy St. James:
Sarge, wake up!