For Pete's Wake!

Alisa:
Life is more than just gossip mother.

Judith:
That's absurd, whoever told you that should be shot. Gossip is publicity and publicity is life.

Alisa:
I need you to show your respect today, whatever it takes.

Judith:
Respect? I never loved your father, what sort of respect could you possibly expect from me?

Alisa:
I know you loved him.

Judith:
[laughs] Divorcing him and taking half his money was the best thing that ever happened to me. His dying was the second.

Julia:
I'm not like you mom, I won't sleep around with every guy that offers to buy me dinner or lets me snort some cocaine.

Julia:
I'm pregnant

Billy:
What?

Julia:
I'm sorry Billy.

Bily:
But... we're always so careful.

Julia:
I know, but condoms are only 99% effective.

Billy:
[shocked] What?

Julia:
[defensively] That's what the box says anyway.

Alisa:
I love you Jesse.

Jesse:
I know.

Mandy:
Hi Craig.

Craig:
Hey. Amanda, was it?

Mandy:
Mandy. Didn't realize I was so forgettable.

Craig:
I'm just really bad with names.

Mandy:
In that case you're forgiven. Just remember, it rhymes with candy, we're both incredibly sweet.

Mandy:
This better be good.

Alisa:
The pastries aren't here yet.

Mandy:
You dragged me away from the man who could very well be my future ex-husband to tell me your god-damned pastries aren't here yet?

Krystal:
[reciting a poem she wrote to her dead husband] Roses are red, violets are blue. These lilies are now dead and so are you.

Mandy:
The bakery completely f***ed up your order.

Alisa:
What?

Mandy:
Don't ask, I was too busy yelling at that a**hole to listen to what he was saying.

Alisa:
Oh sh*t, sh*t. What am I going to do?

Mandy:
They should be here in half an hour with a similar order. I threatened to go over and kick some ass if I wasn't happy.

Gary:
What brings you here anyway?

Bunny:
I was a friend of the deceased.

Gary:
Really?

Bunny:
Yes, a very close friend. Is that so hard to believe?

Gary:
No, not at all.How'd you know him?

Bunny:
He was the best f*** I ever had.

Judith:
You look upset.

Alisa:
How many drinks did it take for you, Mother, to start caring about how I feel?

Judith:
Look how you talk to me, is it any wonder we never get along?

Alisa:
I think it's difficult for you to get along with anybody.

Judith:
For your information, Drake and I get along just fine.

Alisa:
Of course you do. Both of you have the same taste in men.

Alisa:
My life is turning into an episode of Jerry Springer and I don't know what to do about it.

Alisa:
What would I do without you Constance?

Constance:
You'd live in a pigsty, that's what.

Mandy:
I better hear from you tomorrow.

Delivery Guy:
I'll call you first thing.

Mandy:
I'll hunt you down and burn your bakery if you don't.

Judith:
[about Bunny] I always knew that b*tch was stupid.

Bunny:
Hello.

Gary:
Gary Miller.

Bunny:
Bunny Monroe.

Gary:
Pleased to meet you.

Bunny:
Men usually are.

Mandy:
I just wish love were easier.

Danny:
I think what makes it so special is that it's not. You have every reason for happiness. It'll come.

Mandy:
I'm so tired of being alone Danny. My life is empty, I feel like I'm nothing.

Danny:
Don't say that. Any woman will kill to have your success.

Mandy:
What's success if you can't share it with someone you love? I'd rather die poor with the man I love than die rich and alone.

Bunny:
Just because I satisfied your husband better than you ever could is no reason to despise me.

Krystal:
How dare you.

Bunny:
It's no wonder he kept crawling back to me. You must be a pretty lousy f***.

Judith:
Hallelujah, Praise the Lord... Peter Jameson is DEAD!