Four Lions

Omar:
[after Fessal accidentally blows himself up] Is he a martyr or is he a Jalfrezi?

Waj:
Rubber dinghy rapids bro.

Waj:
I think I'm confused, but I'm not sure!

Hassan:
I'm a martyr, you're all squashed tomatoes.

Waj:
Yeah! F*** mini Babybel!

Omar:
[to Sophia] I'm taking my team up to the top floor now. I'll see you up there.

Police Inspector:
You're gonna die in that gear lads

Omar:
More than likely, but it's for a good cause

Barry:
[after starting a discussion about training camps] I object to the term training camps!

Waj:
Aye up you unbelievin' Kuffar bastards! I'm gonna turn you to baked beans.

Barry:
What's with the gun?

Waj:
Proper replica man.

Barry:
It's too small man!

Waj:
Not too small, brother. Big hands!

Waj:
We'll blow something up.

Omar:
What we gonna blow up Waj?

Waj:
Internet.

Omar:
You're confused bro.

Waj:
I'm not confused brother! I just took picture of my face, and it's deffo not my confused face.

Barry:
You just killed the special needs donkey!

Barry:
[shouting as he sticks his head through from the boot of the car] Alright Omar! I'm letting you go to Pakistan! My unit, stays here! But my unit's the main unit!

Omar:
Barry, shut up, mate! 'Cause I tell ya, your little brain cell might go off now and again, but if you hands even go to move, if you try to set up the Islamic State of Tinsley again, going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!

Barry:
Not if you're not here, you won't! [Waj shoves Barry's head back through into the boot of the car]

Barry:
[car breaks down] F***, F***, f*** it!

Omar:
Did you fix this then, Barry?

Barry:
Yes, I fixed it!

Omar:
Did ya?

Barry:
It's the parts... they're Jewish.

Omar:
What parts in a car are Jewish? [pause] Hmm?

Fessal:
Spark plugs.

Barry:
Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.

Omar:
Soph, I can't even get them to stir their tea without smashing a window.

Sniper:
[into walkie-talkie] The bear is down. Repeat, the bear is down. [to other sniper] We got the bear.

Sniper:
I think that's a Wookie. That's a Wookie!

Sniper:
No it's not! It's a bear!

Sniper:
[into walkie-talkie] Is a Wookie a bear, Control?

Barry:
They'll pump you full of Viagra. Make you f*** a dog!

Barry:
You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!

Barry:
Bollocks, I'm a liability! I am the Invisible Jihadi! They seek him here, they seek him there, but here's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister!

Omar:
Invisible? Right. Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?

Barry:
That is part of the plan! Hide in plain sight, you mug!

Hassan:
[Raps] I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene / Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means / It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"/ We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes / Allahu Akbar! [Audience screams as Hassan detonate his suicide belt releasing party streams]

Barry:
[Silent from audience] Mashallah, brother [Murmurs from the audience]

Hassan:
[Looking at the audiences] Oh, what, man? Come on. What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?

Ed:
[conversing on the phone] Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj?

Waj:
I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.

Ed:
Yeah? You like them big, Waj? Yeah.

Waj:
And nice fit arses, too, man.

Ed:
You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. You're a massive arse man.

Waj:
What are you saying?

Ed:
I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.

Waj:
You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer?

Ed:
No.

Waj:
F*** off! [Ends phone conversation] F***ing Boy George!

Malcolm Storge MP:
The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, but as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded. Is that clear?

Barry:
You can't win an argument just by being right!

Barry:
You can f*** her, but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you?

Ahmed:
Why not come to our study group, Omar?

Omar:
What, and get a four-hour dose of that face? The floaty face of the wise bird, hovering on a million quotes, about to do a massive wisdom sh*t on my head.

Waj:
[calls down the phone to Omar] Brother, I don't know what I'm doing. [turns around to the SWAT team] Sorry lads, I don't know what I'm doing. [bomb goes off and smoke rises from the shutters outside]

Omar:
You're gonna do what I do, bruv?

Waj:
Yeah, bruv.

Omar:
I'm gonna give myself up, bruv.

Waj:
(holding real gun) Big enough for you now Barry?? Am I blowing a dog in a ditch, or am I Paki Rambo?