Freaks and Geeks

Lindsay Weir:
Dad is right - I'm part of this family.

Harold Weir:
Hear that, Jean? I was right about something. Maybe we should take a picture of this moment.

Neal Schweiber:
Friday night, always a good night for some Sabbath. [Lindsay looks at him]... 'cause, you know, Friday? is the the Sabbath... for the Jews.

Daniel Desario:
Wow. That designated driver's pretty hot. I'd like to get her drunk.

Harold Weir:
Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans!

Sam Weir:
Yeah, but he died on the toilet!

Harold Weir:
The toilet? That's like heaven compared to where the Sex Pistols are going!

Sam Weir:
What's non-alcoholic beer?

Bill Haverchuck:
It's just like beer but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Neal Schweiber:
Alcohol?

Bill Haverchuck:
Yeah.

Jeff Rosso:
Maybe if you don't drink, you will be cool.

Neal Schweiber:
Friday night, always a good night for some Sabbath.

Harold Weir:
I guess you'd prefer we listened to some of that punk rock I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience.

Jean Weir:
That's terrible.

Harold Weir:
Yeah, that's what I want to do, spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment.

Lindsay Weir:
Dad, every generation is scared of the music that comes from the next. I'm sure your parents hated Elvis.

Harold Weir:
Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.

Sam Weir:
No, but he died on the toilet.

Harold Weir:
Well, that's paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.

Bill Haverchuck:
Hey, if Neal marries your sister, he'll be your brother-in-law. And if you have kids, Neal would be their Uncle Neal. And I bet Lindsay's kids will look like Neal.

Sam Weir:
Bill, shut up.

Neal Schweiber:
I'm Jewish. That's no cakewalk either. Last year, I was elected school treasurer. I didn't even run!

Sam Weir:
A keg of beer, please.

Greasy Liquor Store Clerk:
Don't see that happening.

Daniel Desario:
That designated driver's pretty hot. I'd like to get her drunk.

Sam Weir:
What's non-alcoholic beer?

Bill Haverchuck:
It's just like beer, it just doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Neal Schweiber:
...Alcohol?

Bill Haverchuck:
Yeah.

Neal Schweiber:
Friday night, always a good night for some Sabbath.

[Lindsay looks at him]

Neal Schweiber:
...'cause, you know, Friday? is the the Sabbath... for the Jews.

Sam Weir:
What am I gonna say to Cindy?

Bill Haverchuck:
Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate.

Sam Weir:
Are you drunk?

Bill Haverchuck:
I think so, yes I am.

Sam Weir:
Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink any more.

Bill Haverchuck:
[after Sam leaves] That's very dominant.

Kevin Handleman:
Beer here!

Millie Kentner:
No thanks. I prefer to get high on life.

Neal Schweiber:
Bill, Dallas sucks.

Bill Haverchuck:
...You suck. Dallas rules.

Neal Schweiber:
Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?

Bill Haverchuck:
What... I got a big rocket, what am I supposed to do, cut it in half?

Lindsay Weir:
I don't need your help.

Jeff Rosso:
Ok. Tell you what. Why don't I just visit you then in the *prison*, where you'll be living, and give you some really good advice, like, y'know, should you get shanked in the yard or in the dining hall? When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it? That kind of thing. That'd be a great way to do my job, don't ya think?

Lindsay Weir:
Y'know, only time will tell. See you at the prison yard.

Ken Miller:
I have to get into a bar. Everything fun in life happens in bars.

Millie Kentner:
You're high!

Lindsay Weir:
How could you tell?

Millie Kentner:
I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.

Lindsay Weir:
We're all unhappy. That's the thing about life.

Millie Kentner:
You're on the pot!

Scott:
My dad found my grow lights and ran over them with his car.

Scott:
[about marijuana] It's hydrophonic.

Lindsay Weir:
Like the lettuce?

Harold Weir:
I feel that there comes a point in a young man's life when he should start testing the waters.

Lindsay Weir:
What about me testing the waters?

Harold Weir:
You can test the waters, too - after you get married!

Gordon Crisp:
I don't like Sci-Fi - I love, love, love it!

Jeff Rosso:
How dumb do I look?

Ken Miller:
Do you really want to know?

Lindsay Weir:
What if all of this is a dream, and it isn't even our dream, it's that dog's dream? Maybe we're just existing in his mind and all of a sudden he'll go drink out of the toilet and we'll be gone. What will happen to us if that dog wakes up? It will be over.

Millie Kentner:
Life is not that dog's dream.

Ken Miller:
I always say girl plus car equals dead animal.

Kim Kelly:
You guys, I killed Millie's dog.

Ken Miller:
Like, with your bare hands?

Bill Haverchuck:
He thinks being the Dungeon Master gives him the license to mess with our heads.

Harris Trinsky:
Oh, I'm Sorry. Perhaps I should let you encounter kittens and grandmas so as not to upset you.

Daniel Desario:
Greetings Princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain and you're free to rule your kingdom.

Nick Andopolis:
I mean, what's the difference between disco and Zeppelin?

Discotheque DJ:
Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling 'disco sucks?' What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock and roll" teaches you?

Ken Miller:
No, it teaches me that DISCO SUCKS!

Bill Haverchuck:
She cut the cheese!

Jean Weir:
[speaking to Lindsay about her virginity] Honey, tell her about Korea.

Harold Weir:
Korea? Well, one day I went to Seoul on a weekend pass and I went to this bar, and I had a few to many. And I followed a couple of my buddies to the Red Light District...

Jean Weir:
Your fathers first time wasn't special and he's always regreted it.

Harold Weir:
It was the worst five dollars I've ever spent. And I wish I could get those five dollars back!

Bill Haverchuck:
It wasn't the sound of the chair, it was the sound of cheese being cut!

Sam Weir:
I don't need another friend. I already have two. I mean, how many more friends does a guy need?

Bill Haverchuck:
Hurry up, I don't want to be late for Bio.

Neal Schweiber:
Why? What is the big deal?

Bill Haverchuck:
Well, yesterday, I was late... And everyone looked at me!

Bill Haverchuck:
Cindy cut the cheese.

Neal Schweiber:
Oh my god!

Sam Weir:
Shut up.

Bill Haverchuck:
I'm serious. She blamed it on the chair.

Sam Weir:
Well, what kind of chair was it?

Bill Haverchuck:
I don't know. Vinyl?

Sam Weir:
Vinyl chairs always squeak!

Bill Haverchuck:
It wasn't the sound of vinyl squeaking. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

Lindsay Weir:
[to Nick] So... you wanna make out or something?

Jeff Rosso:
I. Have. Herpes. It doesn't hurt that much, but believe me, you don't want it.

Lindsay Weir:
Can I please go now?

Jeff Rosso:
I just blew your mind, didn't I.

Nick Andopolis:
Hey, I heard Kim got an "A" on her Western Civics exam.

[beat]

Nick Andopolis:
Oh no, that was *my* girlfriend. Hmm, but did you know that Lindsay got detention for flipping off her gym teacher?

[beat]

Nick Andopolis:
No, wait, that was *your* girlfriend! Hmm.

Daniel Desario:
I heard that Kim hit you really hard in the chest.

[beat]

Daniel Desario:
No wait. That was me.

Daniel Desario:
[slams Nick in the chest and walks away]

Nick Andopolis:
Wow, that was really hard.

Sam Weir:
Cindy Sanders is, like, a librarian type.

Neal Schweiber:
Yeah, librarian for the Playboy mansion.

Jean Weir:
Lindsay, just say the words, it'll make him feel better.

Lindsay Weir:
Sam, you have a beautiful body, you're an Adonis, a slab of beef. If I wasn't your sister... Oh, my God!

Neal Schweiber:
My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.

Bill Haverchuck:
But you're not funny.

Neal Schweiber:
Screw you. I'm hilarious!

Nick Andopolis:
Alright, three o'clock today.

Daniel Desario:
Nah, I gotta do something with The Kim at three.

Ken Miller:
Ahhhh, how 'bout 3:01?

Daniel Desario:
How about 3:15 'cause I gotta fit in your mother.

Ken Miller:
...You wanna sleep with my mom?

Daniel Desario:
Mhm.

Nick Andopolis:
The Ramones? They only use, like, three chords!

Daniel Desario:
I'll learn another one, then.

Neal Schweiber:
My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.

Bill Haverchuck:
But, uh, you're not funny.

Neal Schweiber:
Screw you, I'm hilarious!

Daniel Desario:
I wrote out some Ramones songs.

Nick Andopolis:
The Ramones? They only use like three chords.

Daniel Desario:
So? I'll learn another one.

Sam Weir:
You look a little bit like my grandpa.

Bill Haverchuck:
Oh, is your grandpa super cool?

Bill Haverchuck:
This push-up is too hard to push up.

Kim Kelly:
My aunt Cathy was so rad. She lived in L.A., she was on "Kojak." She doinked Ryan O'Neal once at a party.

Lindsay Weir:
Wow, she sounds awesome!

Kim Kelly:
Yeah, well she's dead. She OD'd on coke.

Millie Kentner:
I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom.

Lindsay Weir:
What? She does what? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Millie Kentner:
She does it.

Lindsay Weir:
What do you mean, it?

Millie Kentner:
She fornicates it!

Millie Kentner:
I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom.

Lindsay Weir:
What does she do?

Millie Kentner:
She ya'know does it.

Lindsay Weir:
What do you mean does it?

Millie Kentner:
She fornicates it!

Kim Kelly:
[sobbing] You're, like, my only friend Lindsay! And you're a total loser!

Kim Kelly:
My aunt Cathy was so rad. She lived in L.A. She was on Kojak. She doinked Ryan O'Neal once at a party.

Lindsay Weir:
Wow, she sounds awesome.

Kim Kelly:
Yeah, well, she's dead. She OD'd on coke.

Bill Haverchuck:
I heard my mom say to her girlfriend, "Any guy with feathered hair is foxy."

Neal Schweiber:
[seeing Sam in the Parisian nightsuit] Oh, my God. I guess Elvis hasn't left the building.

Bill Haverchuck:
Hey, don't make fun of him. That's a Parisian nightsuit, in case you didn't know.

Sam Weir:
Hey, you guys...

Gordon Crisp:
[interrupting] A Parisian? Ooh la la!

Neal Schweiber:
No, no. It's a jumpsuit. My grandpa in Fort Lauderdale wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants.

Daniel Desario:
What do you make of me?

Harris Trinsky:
Excuse me?

Daniel Desario:
[sigh] Well, if someone asked you, "What do you think of Daniel Desario?" What would you say? Would you say he's a loser?

Harris Trinsky:
No. No, you're not a loser, 'cause you have sex. But, if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue.

Nick Andopolis:
I'm gonna be a Deejay, man.

[beat]

Nick Andopolis:
And maybe a lumberjack.

Daniel Desario:
What, so it's my fault that you left your stuff in my car?

Kim Kelly:
No, it's your fault that you're the most unreliable person ever.

Daniel Desario:
Well, you're certainly reliable, you're always a B*TCH!

Jenna Zank:
You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.

Bill Haverchuck:
You cut me off mid-funk!

Sam Weir:
My dad always tells me that the prettiest girls don't get asked out because guys are too afraid to ask them

Bill Haverchuck:
Really? Maybe I should ask out Farrah Fawcett-Majors

Neal Schweiber:
Hey, maybe I should ask out Bill's mom

Bill Haverchuck:
You'd better not!

Alan White:
[taunting Sam Weir] I've never fought a *girl* before.

Lindsay Weir:
[from behind him] I'm a girl. You wanna fight me?

Nick Andopolis:
Look, these teachers...these teachers want us to work, you know? And I say fine...I'll work. But you gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do. And for me, Lindsay, it's my- it's my drum kit, man. This my passion, you know? This is- this is the essence of who I am now. But before I had this, I was lost too. You see what I'm saying? You need to find...your reason for- for living, man. You've got to find, your big, just gigantic drum kit, you know?

Neal Schweiber:
The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader, you've seen Star Wars 27 times. You do the math.

Daniel Desario:
You guys know Lindsay?

Nick Andopolis:
Yeah, you were in my English class last year. You were the chick that got an A, right?

Lindsay Weir:
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

Ken Miller:
I don't know. What are you gonna do?

Nick Andopolis:
Hey, I believe in god, man. I've seen him, I've felt his power! He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham, baby!

Lindsay Weir:
Dad, give me one good reason why there can't be a woman president.

Harold Weir:
It's called three irrational days per month. Now, I would have no issue with the other twenty seven, but we're talking about the atomic bomb here.

Nick Andopolis:
Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess... meat?

Harold Weir:
By the way, that drummer you're listening to...

Nick Andopolis:
Yeah?

Harold Weir:
He's terrible!

Nick Andopolis:
What? That's Neal Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive!

Harold Weir:
Neal Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag!

Alan White:
Excuse me, Dr. Love, would you autograph my genitals?

Neal Schweiber:
[Looking at the movie that Daniel has loned them] Whoa, its a naked woman!

Bill Haverchuck:
What's she doing?

Neal Schweiber:
Who cares, she's naked!

Bill Haverchuck:
We could've made our own porno by now.

Harris Trinsky:
Love is like homework. You gotta study if you want to get an A.

Alan White:
Dr. Love, would you autograph my genitals?

Sam Weir:
What am I supposed to do with a porno?

Neal Schweiber:
You watch it. Over and over.

Bill Haverchuck:
I don't like jokes. I don't think they are funny.

Kim Kelly:
Are you calling me irrational? Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel. I'll tear it off, and I'll throw it over that fence.

Harold Weir:
Well, everybody's got parents, Jean, even hookers. Remember that TV movie we saw?

Jock:
Oh, man, the geeks have inherited the earth.

Bill Haverchuck:
[prank calling] Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky f-fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poop head. You love patting boys' butts. You love patting boys' butts. Butt... you butt-patter! You're a perv and a loser... and a stinky... t-turd! [hangs up]

Sam Weir:
Is this the best cereal you've got?

Neal Schweiber:
I don't know. I never eat breakfast. I just have my coffee.

Bill Haverchuck:
Before or after you shave?

Lindsay Weir:
[while hitchhiking] We're so sheltered, you know? There's this whole other America out there. The person who picks us up could be an artist or a psychic or an escaped felon. This is so exciting!

Harold Weir:
[holding up his thumb] This! The thumb! You think I don't know what that means? I know, Lindsay! It means, "Hey, stranger! Please lock me in your car, drive me to God knows where and murder me!"

Harold Weir:
Lindsay, do you know what happens when you put a rotten banana in a fruit bowl? All the other bananas go rotten. And that's what Kim Kelly is: a bad banana.

Jean Weir:
I had a diary when I was little. If my parents had read it, I would've been furious. Such a violation.

Harold Weir:
Spooning with a stranger in the backseat of a van, that's a violation!

Harold Weir:
[looking through Lindsay's drawer for her diary] These stamps... I heard the kids put LSD on the back of them.

Jean Weir:
[serving dinner] Okay. I've got something special for us tonight. Ta-da!

Harold Weir:
What the hell?

Jean Weir:
Uh, Harold, they're Cornish Game Hen with a plum wine sauce. They're fantastic.

Harold Weir:
What'd you do, put poison in a bird feeder?

Neal Schweiber:
You are a dimwit. And an imbecile. I blow my nose in your general direction.

Coach Ben Fredricks:
T-t-that's not in there!

Neal Schweiber:
It isn't?

Mr. Casper:
Pearls before swine.

Sam Weir:
Uh, dad, can I have an Atari from my birthday?

Harold Weir:
An a-what-ee?

Sam Weir:
Atari.

Harold Weir:
What the heck is that?

Jean Weir:
That's one of those expensive video games, isn't it?

Sam Weir:
No, no, it's not expensive!

Harold Weir:
Yeah, well, whatever it costs, it's a waste of money. And time. You know, the welfare rolls are full of video game players.

Lindsay Weir:
No, they're not.

Harold Weir:
Well, they're gonna be. Trust me.

Bill Haverchuck:
Remember that time in science class when I tried to sneak out a fart but it came out a poop? And then I had to flush my undies down the toilet? Do you think I wanted to tell you guys that?

Neal Schweiber:
So, I wake up this morning, and guess what is sitting on the end of my bed?

Bill Haverchuck:
A turd?

Neal Schweiber:
Yes, Bill, a turd.

Bill Haverchuck:
Eww, gross!

Neal Schweiber:
An Atari video set. Is my dad the coolest, or what? So, uh, shall we say Asteroids, my place, 3:30?

Bill Haverchuck:
Yeah, if that's when you wanna get your butt kicked.

Bill Haverchuck:
You remember when we said we'd tell each other everything?

Neal Schweiber:
Yeah.

Bill Haverchuck:
Did you mean it?

Neal Schweiber:
Of course.

Bill Haverchuck:
Even if it's something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, 'cause it might not be true, but if it is true, it could be pretty horrible.

Neal Schweiber:
Okay, Bill, you're killin' me. You gotta tell me now.

Kim Kelly:
[watching the marching band practice] Check out the pizza-face dork with the trombone! Why doesn't he just pop those things?

Daniel Desario:
I think if he did, he'd die of blood loss.

Ken Miller:
[watching the marching band practice] Look, look, it's Tuba Girl. [shouts] Hey! Hey, your tuba is so big and sexy It makes me hot listening to it, baby! Play me some Billy Joel! Yeah!

Lindsay Weir:
[after Ken mocks Tuba Girl] Hey, at least she knows how to play an instrument.

Ken Miller:
That's not playing an instrument. It's like blowing into a toilet!

Lindsay Weir:
It sounds better than your singing.

Ken Miller:
Lindsay, here's an idea. How about you break up our band so you can go make out with Nick? Oh, wait, you already did that, that's right.

Lindsay Weir:
So who's Wendy Franklin?

Kim Kelly:
Ugh, long story. Let's just say she's a cheap little slut that Daniel made out with while we were broken up.

Lindsay Weir:
But it's over with her, right?

Kim Kelly:
Lindsay, that's not the point. He did it with her at the Laser Dome. Now he wants to go there with me?

Lindsay Weir:
So, are you going?

Kim Kelly:
Well, yeah. I mean, what else am I gonna do?

Daniel Desario:
[to Ken] You're in love with Tuba Girl?

Lindsay Weir:
[about Tuba Girl] Oh, my God.

Ken Miller:
What?

Lindsay Weir:
You really like her, don't you?

Ken Miller:
I feel odd.

Bill Haverchuck:
You know what would be cool, guys? To find a girl in a bottle, like - like "I Dream of Jeanie." I'd like to make out with her on that little couch.

Sam Weir:
Yeah, Cindy would look good in those puffy pants.

Nick Andopolis:
Can you ever not be sarcastic?

Ken Miller:
[sarcastically] I'm sarcastic?

Sam Weir:
[to Neal] So, I told my mom that I was eating at your house, and Bill told his mom he was eating at my house, so that should give us some time.

Bill Haverchuck:
When are we really gonna eat? I'm hungry.

Daniel Desario:
[about Ken dating Amy, who used to be a hermaphrodite] Does that mean you're gay?

Ken Miller:
I don't know... does it?

Daniel Desario:
[silence] I was joking.

Ken Miller:
Oh...

Sam Weir:
It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff.

Neal Schweiber:
I'd kill to be that bored.

Harold Weir:
Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!

Bill Haverchuck:
Mouse Trap! I win!

Neal Schweiber:
Congratulations, Bill. Maybe you can get the school to start a team.

Lindsay Weir:
[about Mr. Rosso] Have you ever looked at him? He's kinda good looking.

Kim Kelly:
Yeah, if you're attracted to guys that look like Jesus.

Sam Weir:
Hey Harris, what kind of presents do you get Judith?

Harris Trinsky:
Judith has very particular tastes. About the only thing she ever wants is scented oils and plenty of time with her man.

Sam Weir:
Nobody thinks you're cool, you know.

Lindsay Weir:
Trust me, I know.

Bill Haverchuck:
If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear?

Lindsay Weir:
Millie, you're eating candy already? It's only 7:30 in the morning!

Millie Kentner:
It's just Lik'm'aid. It makes my spit taste like fruit juice!

[Kim Kelly cranks up the car stereo]

Daniel Desario:
Will you knock it off, Blondie, you're gonna blow the speakers.

Kim Kelly:
Oh I'm sorry Grandpa, I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.

Sam Weir:
We're not adults. We're kids until we turn 18.

Neal Schweiber:
Maybe you are, but when I hit 13, I became a man.

Bill Haverchuck:
That's only in your temple, Neil, not in the real world.

Neal Schweiber:
[about his Halloween costume] Hm... looking for Chaplin, only seeing Hitler.

Bill Haverchuck:
[about his fake breasts, as the Bionic Woman for Halloween] No, these are not bionic. These are all me.

Alan White:
[on Halloween, Bill is in costume] Shut up, you little girl.

Bill Haverchuck:
I'm not a little girl, I'm a bionic woman.

Jean Weir:
[to Lindsay, about Nick] What are you going to tell him?

Lindsay Weir:
I don't know, Mom!

Harold Weir:
I know what to tell him - tell him he's a grease bucket and you deserve better.