Funny Farm

Andy Farmer:
We came to Redbud filled with hopes and dreams of a better life. And basically, we've seen those hopes and dreams crushed and battered before our very eyes.

Andy Farmer:
Being a fake is what I do best.

Elizabeth Farmer:
I'm convinced that our marriage has been one of mutual betrayals. I know it! YOU know it! Even Yellow Dog knows it!

Andy Farmer:
I know it and you know it. Yellow Dog doesn't even know what town he's in.

Andy Farmer:
As a novelist, I turned out to be a pretty good sportswriter.

Andy Farmer:
Call me Mr. Lamb Fries!

Moving Van Driver To Old Man At Country Store Porch:
Hey Mac, which way to Redbud?

Old Man:
How'd you know my name was Mac?

Driver:
Just guessing.

Old Man:
Then guess your way to Redbud.

Crocker:
[driving the moving van] You still got that map?

Mickey:
Yeah.

Crocker:
Don't lose it. It might be the piece of evidence that gets me off a murder charge.

Mickey:
Who you gonna kill?

Crocker:
The son of a b*tch who drew that map.

Newspaper Editor:
Andy, all my life I've dreamed of packing up and leaving the city and the newspaper business behind.

Reporter:
What stopped you, Jack?

Newspaper Editor:
And moving to some quiet little town in the country and putting down on paper the novel I know I have inside me.

Reporter:
That's not a novel, Jack, its heartburn.

Andy Farmer:
[Andy and Elizabeth are showing Redbud to prospective buyers Bud and Betsy after hiring the town to "act normal"] This is going to cost us a fortune!

Elizabeth Farmer:
The fifty-dollar bonus was YOUR idea.

Andy Farmer:
[smiling] Little slice of heaven, isn't it, Bud?

Andy Farmer:
Cue the deer.

Andy Farmer:
You don't know a damn thing about writing! You're a goddamn schoolteacher, not an editor!

Elizabeth Farmer:
When they say hardwood floors, what they really mean is hard, wood floors.

Elizabeth Farmer:
What's going on, Andy...? You're sinking into a pit of self-pity, defeatism, and alcohol... and you're enjoying it!

Sheriff Ledbetter:
Remember, Mrs. Farmer. Whenever you buy a house, whatever's in the ground belongs to you - whether it's gold or oil... or Claude Musselman. (starts chuckling)

Crocker:
[reacting to Andy's anger about them, the movers, being late] You slept on the floor huh? We slept outside with the bugs and the wild animals. A bridge nearly killed us. Nobody knows where the hell Redbud is. And we haven't eaten since yesterday morning. So stay the hell out of our way and keep your mouth shut!

Mickey:
This ain't a bridge. It's termites holding hands.