G.I. Joe

Mainframe:
Beach Head, I wanna talk to you about your deodorant

Beachhead:
What do you mean? I don't use deodorant!

Mainframe:
That's what I wanna talk to you about!

Flint:
Remember, a Cobra is a snake and snake is sneak spelled sideways!

[the Dreadnoks have captured some soldiers]

Torch:
Aw, look at the lovely monkeys we bagged!

Buzzer:
Don't look like monkeys to me, Torch. They look like trout... just before you pop 'em in the frying pan and eat 'em!

[Lady Jaye has beaten Gung Ho at a contest where the loser has to make dinner]

Stalker:
What did you do that for, Lady Jaye? He'll make us eat that homemade Cajun gumbo of his!

Recondo:
Yeah! Last time we used it to fuel the Skystrikers!

Gung Ho:
Gumbo builds muscles! Right, Doc?

Doc:
Well, it's certainly given you a cast-iron stomach!

Serpentor:
Know that I am the one you seek! I am the one born to rule, destined to conquer! Let those who fear me follow me. Let those who oppose me die! For I am Serpentor, and this I command!

Destro:
Using the full power of the laser core on Washington could leave us vulnerable to counter-attack!

Zartan:
Nonsense! There is no possible way for G.I. Joe to resist the Weather Dominator!

Destro:
I will not have my opinions questioned by a penny-ante quick-change artist!

Cobra Commander:
What would you have me do with Washington, Destro? Pepper it with spitballs?

Shipwreck:
Do you expect me to talk, Cobra?

Cobra Commander:
No. We expect you to fry!

Shipwreck:
I was afraid you'd say that!

Zartan:
The crucial, final fragment of the Weather Dominator, the laser core itself, is now entirely in my possession: a prize which I offer to the highest bidder. G.I. Joe? Cobra? The world belongs to one of you. The one with the greatest bank account!

[a polar bear has gone to sleep on board a G.I. Joe boat]

Lady Jaye:
You're not just gonna let him nap there, are you, Duke?

Duke:
I have a policy about ten foot bears. Lady, as far as I'm concerned, they can sleep anywhere they want!

[the Cobra troops are surrounded]

Major Bludd:
Now I know how Custer felt!

Buzzer:
Say your prayers, Yank!

[Gung Ho punches him]

Gung Ho:
Now I lay YOU down to sleep!

Sgt. Slaughter:
Give your hearts to America, Joes, 'cause your butts belong to me!

Leatherneck:
And don't call me 'Sir'! I work for a living!

[Flint and Lady Jaye are chasing Destro]

Flint:
We can't let him shake us! That nickel-noggin bozo is all the Cobra brass we've got!

Destro:
This is one 'bozo' who won't be got at all!

Destro:
The ion attractor generates forces strong enough to pull down the Aurora Borealis, the ions melt the ice, eventually raising the water level eighty feet around the world. Every coastal city will be flooded! And then with the world in chaos, Cobra strikes!

Lady Jaye:
Brilliant, Destro! I bet you'd take first prize at the science fair!

Destro:
Beware, Lady Jaye! With so sharp a tongue you could cut your own throat!

Cobra Commander:
NO! G.I. Joe was ready for us! How dare they anticipate my strategy?

[Shipwreck and Snake Eyes are sneaking around a Cobra base]

Shipwreck:
Let's reconnoiter, Snake Eyes, and try not to attract attention. Sure. Who'd notice a wet sailor with a parrot and a silent, masked man with a timber wolf? I think we're in major trouble!

Scarlett:
[Scarlett lands her plane, nearly hitting Duke and some Joes] I missed you, Duke.

Duke:
You sure did.

[holds his thumb and finger an inch apart]

Duke:
By *that* much!

Cobra Commander:
As of now, your little project is deader than disco! Hmmm... Deader than disco... I like that... I would have made a great stand-up comedian.

Cobra Commander:
Morons! I have morons on my payroll!

Cobra Commander:
I shall be waiting to reward your genius, or to have you beheaded for terminal stupidity! I have spoken.

Sci-Fi:
[after learning that the missing file was for a video game] All this for that?

Low-Light:
Some nights, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Lady Jaye:
Maybe we have an ancestor in common?

Destro:
I find that to be most distasteful.

Flint:
I'm hoping they'd?

Mainframe:
Hi, Flint.

Flint:
I was hoping they'd get here without...

Lady Jaye:
You were hoping they'd get here without what, Flint?

Flint:
Without being too conspicuous.

Announcer:
GI Joe is the codename for America's highly trained special mission force. Its purpose: to defend human freedom against COBRA. A ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

Cobra Commander:
What are you doing? Advance! Adva...

[grenade explodes]

Cobra Commander:
Cobra retreat. *Retreat*!

Zartan:
What's the matter, old Flint? Up a tree are you? [shouts] Mwahaha!

Flint:
Laugh this off, happy boy! [starts shooting at Zartan, manages to hit him and he goes down screaming]

Flint:
[swimming away] You don't need it! [Fish hits him in the face]

Lady Jaye:
[laughing] Turn off the charm, Flint! You're liable to attract a whale!

Flint:
Okay, what in the name of sanity are you people doing here? This is a restricted area!

Gung Ho:
[jumping on Cobra Commander] Give me!

Cobra Commander:
Get off me, you moron!

Gung Ho:
Give me the disk!

Scarlett:
Hey, why didn't you just yell "Look out!"?

Duke:
Didn't you read my green sheet? I'm a man of action.

Barbecue:
Dreadnoks may be cops in this world but they're still stupid.

Lady Jaye:
[as she looks at the guys sheepishly out the lady's change room door] Could someone please pass me my pants? I'm a little too big for my britches.

Tomax:
No! Please don't.

[Flint heaves Tomax over his head and starts spinning him in the air. Tomax starts spinning on the ground and screaming]

Xamot:
Stop!

Lady Jaye:
What's going on? I didn't even touch him.

Flint:
They must be telepathic. Whenever one of them feels something the other one feels it.

Duke:
Cold Slither? Sounds like cobra stuff to me.

Scarlett:
[putting her hand on his shoulder affectionately, slight laugh] No, Duke! Cold Slither's a rock band.

Duke:
[embarrassed chuckle] Oh, I-I guess I haven't been keeping up with things around here.

Mainframe:
[Beachhead puts a wrecked data disk on Mainframe's desk] Oh, no! How could you guys do that to a little disk?

Buzzer:
[chasing Thrasher as he drives away with the Thunder Machine] Thrasher, you bloody dingo!

Destro:
Premature panic is the sign of an immature mind!

Sci-Fi:
[in response to the uncooperative French mayor] So what do we do, General?

Gen. Hawk:
Well, if we were Cobra, I'd say run him over.

Shipwreck:
I always said you couldn't tell your face from a hole in the ground!

Cobra Commander:
I will not allow such impertinence! Especially from an [shouts] enlisted man!

Zartan:
[returning with the explosive gas] Why isn't Cobra Commander here to witness my triumph?

Baroness:
He's being interviewed for TV!

Cobra Commander:
[talking to Hector Ramirez] Then after leading a mutiny at my military academy ...

[Ramirez is falling asleep]

Gung Ho:
Every Cobra trooper in the world was hidden in that mountain!

Gen. Hawk:
No need to get flustered, son, we're all Joes here.

Flint:
[pointing to Baroness on her speeder boat] There!

Baroness, Mongolian Warrior, Sandy:
[Pulls off her mask, puts on her glasses] All's fair in love and war! [Blows him a kiss as she escapes on her speeder boat] It could have been WONDERFUL, Flint!

[Flint waves good bye to her as she escapes with an incredulous but wry grin]

Lady Jaye:
Are you SURE that stuff wore off?

[Flint hugs her, gives her a kiss]

Flint:
Lady Jaye! I... I was worried about you.

Lady Jaye:
That doesn't exactly make me unhappy, you know. [awkward pause, then they hug]

Cobra Commander:
She's bluffing! She'd never risk destroying you! I on the other hand, have no such qualms about eliminating her! [cackles]

Duke:
[enraged] You wish! [reaches over the seat and starts strangling Cobra Commander]

Duke:
Scarlett, when do tourists stop being friendly?

Scarlett:
When they sign up for the Cobra Travel Plan, Duke.

Scarlett:
Hey, I thought dinosaurs were STUPID.

Flint:
They just don't make 'em like they used to.

Gung Ho:
[shooting at dinosaur] C'mon, at least ACT like it hurts!

Duke:
[as they are dragged away under their own truck by Cobra thugs] I feel like John Wayne under a stage coach!

Scarlett:
[imitating John Wayne's delivery] Let's go, Pilgrim!

Roadblock:
It'll take 30 years for those dinos to grow up - and we'll all be retired by then.

Quick Kick:
[using clippers to free Lady Jaye from mechanical tenticles; singing] I'm the Barber of Seville!

Serpentor:
There can be *no* negotiation, you insolent microbe!

Cross-Country:
Ted Stuart, you is avenged!

Low-Light:
You gotta be tougher than that! I'm no wimp any more! I'm a G.I. Joe, and nothing stops a G.I. Joe! Nothing!

Cover Girl:
[helping Shipwreck in a bar-room brawl] Figures, Shipwreck! You would be in the sleaziest hole in Hollywood!

Shipwreck:
Aw, shut up and fight!

Cover Girl:
Sorry, guys! We've got to borrow your Flight Pods and a Rattler to look for our pals.

Shipwreck:
Tell all the starlets I'll be back to sign autographs!

Cover Girl:
Shipwreck!

Shipwreck:
Ah, you're no fun any more!

Recondo:
The savagery of the jungle mixed with the excitement of the city. Where else but India?

Lifeline:
Hey, Low-Light. Does it ever occur to you there might be an easier way of settling disputes?

Low-Light:
Yeah, Lifeline. It's called a gun!

Mainframe:
Looks like Cobra's running an international mail order business.

Beachhead:
Like what? The Snake of the Month Club?

Wet Suit:
[Leatherneck is doing badly at the shooting range] Next time we're in combat, Leatherneck, remind me to get right in front of you. That'll be the safest place!

Leatherneck:
Excuse me for being a lame brain.

Wet Suit:
You're excused, lame brain.

[Talking about Sgt. Slaughter]

Cobra Commander:
That man has the constitutionality of a vending machine.

Flint:
[Looking at his chopstick with squid on the end] They don't seriously expect us to eat this do they?

Lady Jaye:
Come on Flint. Keep an opened mind.

Flint:
My mind is opened... It's my mouth that's closed.

Lady Jaye:
Come on you guys. You'll insult our hosts.

Roadblock:
We keep blastin' but they don't drop, there ain't no way to make 'em stop!

Roadblock:
Smack your lips and feast your eyes. Roadblock cooked you a big surprise.

Cover Girl:
Hey guys, we're stuck with Cobra equipment, but it's going to have to do.

Wild Bill:
Shucks. We could beat them Cobra owl hoots flyin' cardboard boxes.

Cover Girl:
Then let's do it.

Roadblock:
[after getting shot off the road by the Baroness] That witch has a way with a laser ray.

Airborne:
[clutching his head] Flint... I see... I... think I...

Breaker:
What's with Airborne? Shell shock?

Flint:
No; he's got some sort of ESP, or so his file says.

Airborne:
The sheik's in trouble... I think Cobra's kidnapped him...

Flint:
This better be for real; Skystrikers, into the desert!

Wild Bill:
Yee Haw! It's time for a showdown at the canyon!

Cobra Commander:
[grabbing a union official by the collar after being reminded about overtime rules] The only union they should be concerned with is the one between their heads and their shoulders!

Flint:
Face it, Duke. We're lost. We need a sign from above.

Duke:
[spots a "Yo Joe" signal light in the sky] Ask, and you shall receive.

Flint:
We need reinforcements. [Joe hover craft and troops arrive]

Flint:
This wouldn't be so bad if the rain would let up. [the rain suddenly stops] Hey! We're on a roll, what should we wish for next?

Flint:
We don't get some help soon, we're buying the farm!

Duke:
Don't put in your order for a tractor just yet. Up there! [Re-enforcements arrive]

Flint:
Well lookee what the storm blew in.

Flint:
Look, I hate to say this, Duke. But we're lost. It's going to take a sign from above to get us out of these moors alive.

Duke:
Ask and ye shall receive. [Pointing up to a Yo Joe in the sky]

Flint:
Well what do you know.

Flint:
Now if they'd just lower the draw bridge. [the draw bridge lowers] We're on a roll! What else should we ask for? [Cobra starts firing at them]

Duke:
A bullet proof hide!

Flint:
All things considered, this wouldn't be half as bad if this blasted rain had just stopped. [the rain stops] Well now all we need is Lady Jay and the rest of the Joes to...

Spirit:
Look! [the Joes arrive]

Flint:
Our hovercraft!

[first lines]

River Pirate:
Hurry up! Move! Quickly!

[last lines]

Mr. Nguyen:
We have much to learn. I owe much to Miley, Steve and Jeff and Liam. They will work at my inn, as partners!

Gung-Ho:
Leatherneck, talk'em out of it! They're better off in America!

Leatherneck:
Nah, all they need is a home and some love. What country they're in doesn't matter. OK! Look sharp! Quit eating like pigs! And that's an order!

Miley, Steve, Jeff and Liam:
Yes sir!

Leatherneck:
Don't call me sir!

Miley, Steve, Jeff and Liam:
Yo Joe!

[Leatherneck kicks the river pirate in the seat of the pants]

Leatherneck:
Always cover your rear, turkey.

River Pirate:
Ah! Let me go! I am only an innocent pawn of a capitalist machine!

Gung-Ho:
This guy must have studied political science at UCLA.

Roadblock:
We're gonna tangle with some pretty low dirt and we don't want you kids getting hurt.

Leatherneck:
[responding to "Yes, Sir!"] And don't call me Sir. I work for a living.

Roadblock:
I don't wanna bet my life on stopping that plane with a pocket knife.

[Wet Suit uses a goblet of venom to destroy a Cobra B.A.T]

Wet Suit:
Don't worry, we can still go back to our original plan - getting Serpentor's blood.

Lifeline:
Wrong. That was only clutching at straws. The pure venom was our best bet. Now, we'll have to get it from the cobra.

Wet Suit:
No way. Even little snakes give me the creeps. But that monster, I...

Lifeline:
So, it's okay to risk your life for revenge, but to save Leatherneck's life you won't square off against a snake? Some of the guys make of me 'cause I don't carry weapons, but saving lives takes courage too. And if you're too scared to help, them I'm going after that snake alone.

Wet Suit:
You made your point, buddy. I just hope you can talk as good to the snake.

Shipwreck:
[narrates] Once upon a time, there was this little old shoemaker who lived in a combat boot. His name was Duke... uh, the Duke. And he had three sons: his fat, stupid, ugly Marine son Leatherhead; his fatter, stupider, uglier SEAL son Frog-Face; and his dashing, handsome, real intelligent sailor son Shipshape!

Polly:
This is for the birds...

[Duke tastes a spoonful from a pot on the stove]

Duke:
Yuck! I've tasted laundry soap better than this!... Come to think of it, this IS laundry!

Leatherhead:
[smashes Frog-Face with a chair] Breathmint!

Frog-Face:
[blasts Leatherhead with a bazooka] Candy mint!

Leatherhead:
[charges at Frog-Face with a tank] Breathmint!

Frog-Face:
[charges at Leatherhead with a jet] Candy mint!

Duke:
[to Leatherhead and Frog-Face] You two bozo brothers couldn't bring home the bacon even if they worked on a pig farm!

Duke:
Boys, boys, boys! Come here! I want to talk about food!

Leatherhead:
Yummy! When do we eat?

Duke:
We don't, we're all out of food! Unless one of you boys wants to go to town to by some hamburgers!

Shipwreck:
[narrates] So first, he sent Leatherhead to pick up the grub. But on his way he met the big bad Cobra, who struck his weakest spot and made off in a flash with the cash!

Cobra Commander:
Cobra Commander, summoning Zartan!

Zartan:
What is it this time, Cobra Commander?

Cobra Commander:
Two of my Battle Vipers lost this: the MacGuffin Device. I must get it back at any costs! Your Dreadnoks must leave immediately!

Zartan:
That may be a problem. It appears, Commander, they're engaged in a weighty philosophical debate.

Cobra Commander:
Oh, brawling again, eh?

Zartan:
Of course, for something this simple, I might take on a solo mission. After all, why bother the boys... or split the fee?

Airborne:
[locked in a cage after being captured by Cobra] You don't scare us.

Flash:
Yeah. Do your worst, snake breath!

Airborne:
What are you going to do with my brother!?!?

Destro:
What can it matter to you? You are about to die!

Airborne:
You'd deny a dying man his last request!?!?

Cobra Commander:
A point well taken!

Shipwreck:
[discussing the USS Montana] Ah, they're nuts to scrap her. She's got the lines of a lady and the punch of a dock fighter.

Polly:
But can she cook?

Shipwreck:
Cook? How about stuffed parrot? You...

Destro:
And to think, I actually believed I was related to a G.I. Joe.

Baroness:
I checked the records, Destro darling. You are!

Duke:
First we freeze, now we bake.

Scarlett:
Now I know how a TV dinner feels.

Gung-Ho:
When I get my hands on those Red October wackos, I'll make 'em wish Karl Marx was Groucho's brother.

Shipwreck:
First they want me to fly, now they want me to dive. The minute they ask me to dance, I'm getting out of this outfit

[Alpine and Bazooka attack Tomax and Xamot; Alpine punches Tomax, and Xamot shudders]

Bazooka:
Hey, I never laid a hand on you!

Xamot:
I feel... what my brother feels!

Bazooka:
[punches Xamot] Terrific! Pass this on!

[Cobra captures a space shuttle]

Tomax:
We've caged quite a bird, Xamot.

Xamot:
Yes, Tomax. Now let's take birdie home to...

Tomax, Xamot:
COBRA!

Shipwreck:
Let's reconnoiter, Snake Eyes. Try not to attract attention... Sure. Who'd notice a wet sailor with a parrot and a silent masked man with a timber wolf.

Polly:
I'm a parrot, not a duck!

Shipwreck:
Keep squawking and you'll be a gone goose!

Destro:
Destroy the G.I. Joe Marauders before they remove the canopy!

Flint:
Gung-Ho, make bumper face entirely unwelcome!

[after taking cover in mud]

Flint:
Pink is your color...

Lady Jaye:
Don't laugh, you bum!

Tomax:
The Joes have unwittingly activated...

Xamot:
...the Ancient Guardians!

Tomax:
And when they have destroyed G.I. Joe for us...

Xamot:
...we shall plant our cube...

Tomax, Xamot:
And be gone!

[Lady Jaye creates a bubble to save her and Flint]

Flint:
It's good to breathe again. Even if the quarters are a little cramped.

Lady Jaye:
I don't know. I think it's rather cozy for a bubble.

Destro:
I do not agree with our leader's change of heart.

Baroness:
Has the noble Destro forgotten, our leader has no heart?

Quick Kick:
Hitch and rides can be hazardous to our health... but hanging around here would be fatal!

Quick Kick:
Got a problem, pilgrim?

Storm Shadow:
You shall learn a harsh lesson! [Cobra soldiers attack Quick-Kick, who beats them off easily]

Quick Kick:
You were saying, teacher?

Baroness:
Something is happening!

Destro:
Brilliant deduction, Baroness.

Baroness:
Don't become hostile with me! We have a relationship!

Cobra Commander:
Come in, Destro. [Monitor comes on showing Destro and the Baroness kissing]

Cobra Commander:
Stop that, Destro! I see you both clearly and I am stunned!

Destro:
She had something in her eye, Cobra Commander...

Cobra Commander:
My eye she did!

Gung Ho:
[at Cobra Commander] Stick your head in a bucket and rust your face off.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Now, the show that dares to ask - Twenty Questions.

Hector Ramirez:
Good evening. Tonight's big story, is one of America's elite G.I. Joe team a traitor?

Hector Ramirez:
Idealistic, sincere, trustworthy... what made this young man betray his country and lead his friends into an ambush; an ambush that left G.I. Joe leader Conrad "Duke" Hauser in a deep coma?

Cobra Commander:
Welcome, Dusty, to my Arena of Death. We use this chamber to settle minor personal disputes.

Dusty:
Don't you trust me anymore?

Cobra Commander:
As Stalin said, don't trust anyone, not even yourself.

[last lines]

Mrs. Rudat:
Now that my Dusty's a Joe again, will somebody explain what happened?

Duke:
Easy enough, Mrs. Rudat. Chemists told us our new armor treatment was unstable. Sooner or later, Cobra would have figured that out. When Cobra agents approached Dusty, he came to me. We cooked up the whole trader routine... Cause we wanted Cobra to get the armor treatment. But a Cobra bomb put me in a coma. I was the only one who knew that Dusty's defection was never for real.

Mrs. Rudat:
You poor, poor boy.

Dusty:
Aw, Mom.

Scarlett:
[after viewing Cobra Television Network] You don't think anyone will watch that garbage.

Lady Jaye:
Some people will watch anything Scarlett.

Duke:
That's not the worst of it Lady Jaye, some people will believe anything.

Shipwreck:
Wait, how do I know you're not a synthoid?

Polly:
Remember that night in Anapolis?

Shipwreck:
Okay, you've convinced me.