G vs E

[opening narration]

Deacon Jones:
A man torn from his family, murdered in his prime, only to return to Earth, resurrected as an agent of the Almighty Corps. With no magic, no special powers, forbidden from intimate contact, unrecognizable to those from their past lives, Chandler Smythe and Henry McNeil now fight to save lost souls against the minions of darkness. It is a battle of Good versus Evil. G vs E, that's what it is!

Deacon Jones:
My life has been plagued by quarterbacks and Morlocks, not necessarily in that order.

Deacon Jones:
My life has been infiltrated; by quarterbacks and Morlocks, not necessarily in that order.

Chandler Smythe:
Who's Jacobus Blitzer?

C. Arthur Foust:
Who's Jacobus Blitzer?

Henry McNeil:
You don't know who Jacobus Blitzer is?

Chandler Smythe:
I went to public school.

Deacon Jones:
I'd like to quote to you a passage from War and Peace. Violence in its many forms is an involuntary quest for identity, and when that identity is threatened, we have a mandate for war. War ladies and Gentlemen, that's what we're fighting.

Ford Plasko:
They checked his home and he wasn't there.

Chandler Smythe:
Wait, lemme guess. He loaded up his truck and he moved to Beverly!

[after blowing up Emmanuel Lewis]

Decker Benbow:
What are you going to do, dock my pay?

Chandler Smythe:
Henry, you sound funny.

Mr. Mifune:
Funny "ha-ha," or funny "gay?"

Chandler Smythe:
Not funny "ha-ha."

Chandler Smythe:
I still don't like that Decker said we were expendable.

Esmeralda Garcia:
You should hear what he says behind your back.

Chandler Smythe:
One day he is going to push me just a little- He talks about me behind my back?

Chandler Smythe:
In a hair salon, no one can hear you scream.

Desmond Rossmore:
[singing] The devil came, into my house. Are you a man or are you a mouse? Will you, will you, will you come with me? No I said over a cup of tea. Will you, will you, will you join my team? No I said over a cup of cream.

Deacon Jones:
Roses are red, violets are blue. Have sex in the Corps, and I'll break your neck!

Deacon Jones:
Now go out there and whip evil's ass!

Chandler Smythe:
I couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a handful of fifty-dollar bills.

Ford Plasko:
Are you on acid Henry?

Decker Benbow:
Yeah Henry, are you on acid?

Deacon Jones:
Hi. I'm Deacon Jones, and I'm here to teach you how to whip Evil's ass.