Garfield and Friends

Jon:
They used to call me "No-Hit Arbuckle".

Garfield:
But only when he was at bat.

Garfield:
Microwave lasagna. Possibly nature's most perfect food.

Garfield:
Arbuckle! Remember the a la mode!

Garfield:
It's another one of...

[shouts]

Garfield:
Garfield's Tales of Scary Stuff!

Orson:
[singing] Does your nose look like a banana?/Are your toes shaped like Indiana?/Do your ears seem bigger than Montana?/Dry your tears, we understand you/ [talking] Hey everyone has something strange about them, that's what makes us special/Wouldn't it be great if you could look in the mirror and say/ [singing] Yo banana nose! Now you know how my sailboat goes/Here's Montana ears, I have ears so my sister can steer/Hey hey hey Indiana toes, getting me across those winter snows/Whatever the name, I'm still the same nice person.

Mr. Sprocket:
Kids don't want to see a cartoon about a cat.

Garfield:
They're culturally deprived.

Jon:
Someone's slinging mud!

Garfield:
And it's nowhere near Election Day.

Garfield:
[Odie takes him to a head of cabbage, after telling him it was a watch] Odie, that is not a watch, it's a head of cabbage, there is a difference. You do not tell time with a watch, you make cole slaw out of it. [Odie groans] Odie, you have a head of cabbage!

Garfield:
[on show intro] Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show, too.

Garfield:
[on show intro] Hey, Heathcliff! Eat your heart out!

Garfield:
[crash, Odie whines] Either Jon's home or someone's put a VCR down the garbage disposer.

Garfield:
Sell your remote control. I'm the best thing on.

Garfield:
Think of a number between 1 and 10. The number you think of is 7.

Garfield:
[commercial bumper] Here are some commercials and then, more of me.

Garfield:
[intro] After seven seasons, we pretty much said everything you can say on this spot.

Man:
[Garfield is lecturing on Odie chasing cars] What does Odie do with a car when he catches one?

Garfield:
He buries it in the backyard.

[Audience stars laughing]

Garfield:
What're you laughing at? You don't believe me?

Woman:
Nah, we don't believe you!

Garfield:
I can't believe my ears!

Audience:
We can't believe your face!

Garfield:
Hey, I did *not* come here to be insulted!

Man:
Oh, where do you usually go? This whole thing is stupid!

Woman:
Yeah, it's ridiculous!

Garfield:
You think this is ridiculous? You should see this audience! [Garfield leaves amid the booing audience and returns home to Odie]

Garfield:
Hi, boy. Had fun chasing cars?

Odie:
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Garfield:
Those people didn't appreciate me. I told them you buried cars in the backyard and they made fun of me. [they walk past various cars buried in the yard] Boy, try and educate some people.

Garfield:
[during his lecture on Odie] Before we go on, are there any questions?

Man:
Uh, yeah, is wrestling fixed?

Garfield:
Excuse me, I should've asked, "Are there any *intelligent* questions?"

Garfield:
From time to time on this show, we'd like to bring you something a little educational.

[a hand pops up holding a TV remote control]

Garfield:
[shocked] No, no! Don't change channels! It's not *that* educational.

[Jon is about to go on a date and he is dressed for the occasion. Heading to the door, he passes by Garfield]

Jon:
I have a big date with Liz tonight, Garfield. What do you think of my outfit?

[to Jon's surprise, Garfield snickers and then burst out laughing wildly]

Jon:
[irritated] I don't have to take this.

[He heads out the door]

Jon:
No cat is gonna make a fool out of me.

[He slams the door]

Garfield:
[holding up a watch, still snickering] One... two... three...

[Jon, still irritated, comes back in, wearing his outfit, but no pants. Garfield snickers at him]

Garfield:
[reading the script] Oh no, it's an evil twin story, it's come to that!

Jon:
It looks bad for Binky.

Garfield:
I'll say, three more of these jokes and he might get the chair.

Garfield:
"What is a mini-mall?" you ask? A mini-mall is a whole bunch of stores you'd never go to, except that there all together so it's convenient.

Garfield:
[reading from a script, on Stinky Davis] "In his early days, Stinky had been a clown himself, but he was thrown out of the clown union for making naughty balloon animals."

Judge:
[Garfield hands the judge the script] What is this you're showing me, cat? [reads script] "Order in the court."

Binky the Clown:
I'll have a ham on rye! Hold the mayo! [laughs]

Garfield:
[pointing] That's the real Binky.

Judge:
Arrest that phony!

Stinky Davis:
[being dragged out of the courtroom] Hey! You can't do this to me! I'll get you for this, cat!

Garfield:
[to camera] The real Binky could never resist a very old joke.

Buddy Bears:
Oh, we are the Buddy Bears, we're here to teach you stuff/ Learning lots and lots of facts is never ever rough/ If you don't know everything you haven't learned enough/ Oh, we are the Buddy Bears, we're here to teach you stuff!

Garfield:
This isn't educational TV! This is Garfield!

Bertie Buddy Bear:
James Garfield was the 20th President of the United States.

Garfield:
They're driving me bananas!

Billy Buddy Bear:
Bananas are an excellent source of potassium.

Garfield:
You're driving me bats!

Bobby Buddy Bear:
Bats are flying mammals with excellent night vision.

Garfield:
I'm at the end of my rope!

Bertie Buddy Bear:
Rope is usually made from the fibers of the hemp plant.

Garfield:
I've got to get someplace safe!

Billy Buddy Bear:
The safe was invented in 1831.

Network Executive:
What does this teach anyone?

Garfield:
It teaches them not to let me paint them.

Billy Buddy Bear:
Garfield is not speaking Italian. He's speaking bad English with a bad Italian accent.

Bobby Buddy Bear:
Do you know what goes into a chocolate cupcake? It contains sugar, enriched flour, baking powder, and various artificial coloring and flavorings to simulate the taste and appearance of chocolate.

Garfield:
[sniffs cupcake] Hey, it does smell like thiamine mononitrate!

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield, I'm so glad I'm me.

Garfield:
And I'm glad I'm me. [Odie comes up]

Jon Arbuckle, Garfield:
[in unison] And we're both glad we're not Odie.

Garfield:
The creature that lives in the refrigerator, behind the mayonnaise, next to the ketchup, and to the left of the coleslaw!

Garfield:
These scientists are studying which words are the funniest when used in jokes.

Scientist #1:
Pickle.

Scientist #2:
Funny.

Scientist #1:
Pretzel.

Scientist #2:
Funny.

Scientist #1:
Cookie.

Scientist #2:
Funny.

Scientist #1:
Steak.

Scientist #2:
Not funny.

Scientist #1:
Yellow-bellied sap-sucker.

Scientist #2:
Funny.

Scientist #1:
Dog.

Scientist #2:
Not funny.

Scientist #1:
Elephant.

Scientist #2:
Funny.

Scientist #1:
Chicken.

Scientist #2:
Extremely funny.

Scientist #1:
Lion.

Scientist #2:
Not funny.

Garfield:
Today we're going to discuss how to be funny. [pie hits him in the face] That is not one of the ways.

Garfield:
Take note: if something isn't funny, you keep doing it, and eventually it becomes a running gag.

Garfield:
Abu Dhabi, it's far away / Abu Dhabi, that's where you'll stay / Abu Dhabi, the place to be / For any kitten who's annoying me, yeah! / Abu Dhabi, it's off the track / Abu Dhabi, now don't come back / Abu Dhabi, it's quite a thrill / For any kitten who can make me ill! / Now some take a train / And some take a plane / But I am sending you / Not on a boat / Or even by goat / But in a box marked "Postage Due." / Abu Dhabi, you're what they lack / Abu Dhabi, now you're all packed / Abu Dhabi, a far commute / For any kitten who is too darn cute!

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield, you have to stop buying everything you see! Look what you bought this week: an indoor plastic birdbath; a twenty-seven-year supply of dental floss; a battery-operated battery changer that's only good for changing its own batteries!

Garfield:
This show is K-rated. No adults unless accompanied by a kid.

Jon:
[about the policeman] He didn't believe me.

Garfield:
I wouldn't believe a man with cowboys and horsies on his pajamas either.

Orson Pig:
The blue team starts honking like geese until the red team does 30 pushups or sits in three banana cream pies, whichever occurs first. The players start looking at each other. Play begins when the two captains toss a baked potato in the air. If it lands sour cream down, the game is immediately canceled and all players must immediately move to Scottsdale, Arizona and open a dry-cleaning business. Roy, who's been listening, dashes off to laugh at them. The second inning cannot start until everyone puts on a bow tie and the captain of the blue team locates a live hippopotamus. The red team gets 11 points for every vegetable they impersonate while the blue team builds a statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger out of coleslaw, and for six points, dress up like a cupcake and locate the Klopman diamond and...

Guy in Movie:
You! You're not Sylvia! You're one of the Kung Fu Creatures on the Rampage...2!

Garfield:
[seeing Al G. Swindler appear again, dressed as a mechanic] Either that's the same guy or our budget for new actors is in a lot of trouble.

[at the end of the intro]

Garfield:
Hey, Heathcliff. Eat your heart out.

Garfield:
The sun's shining. The weather's warm. What could possibly go wrong? [suddenly, it starts raining] The minute I said that, I knew I was gonna find out.

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield's been a very bad dog lately. I'm gonna teach him a lesson she'll never forget.

[Garfield has just unwrapped an impossibly huge picnic]

Garfield:
No, that's not a mistake. That's how much food I always pack.

Garfield:
Can you believe Pete's trying to scare us like that?

Odie:
[actually speaking] I don't know, I'm kinda scared.

Jon Arbuckle:
I'll scare the pants off those three, or my name isn't June Arburkle!

Garfield:
Eating, the only thing preferable in this world to sleeping. Boy, if they could just come up with a way to eat and sleep at the same time, they'd really have something.

Garfield:
Around here, we don't make mistakes.

Odie:
[running up] Ta-da!

Garfield:
Except occasionally in casting.

Owl:
Who... Who... Where... Where... When... When...

Jon Arbuckle:
[dazed and with a beard] No, ladies, I'm not Tom Selleck, but I can understand how you could make that mistake.

Garfield:
[in Nermal's voice] That phoney voice doesn't fool me!

Garfield:
[opening line] Smart kids watch this show. Other kids change the channel.

Jon Arbuckle:
How could anyone eat a jumbo mushroom, pineapple, sausage, pepper, olive, onion, meatball, Canadian bacon and pimento pizza all by himself?

Garfield:
Plus, I usually prefer thick crust.

Jon Arbuckle:
[singing] Eat, Garfield, eat./Eat with all your might./Eat that pasta, eat it fast-a,/'Til it's out of sight./'Til it's out of sight./Munch, Garfield, munch./C'mon, let's do lunch./Make your belly mozzarelly./Crunch, crunch, crunch./Crunch, crunch, crunch./Cheese, salami, ham and Swiss,/Whole wheat, rye and white,/Sliced tomatoes, tons of mayo,/Love at first bite./Garfield, you're an awesome eater./Yes, you are the top./Butter, batter, pitter-patter,/You don't have to stop!/Double snack it,/You can hack it!/Yum, Garfield, yum./Don't you miss a crumb./At a dinner, you're the winner./Don't you pause or you'll get thinner./More, Garfield, more,/'Til you can't fit through the door!/Eat, Garfield, eat!/Chow, chow, chow!

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield, come back here! I said you could have a *light* snack!

Garfield:
This *is* a light snack! [to the camera] A big snack includes soup.

[Jon's phone rings several times. His answering machine picks up the call. The following recording plays on the answering machine, over Jon's *horrible* singing in the shower]

[phone beeps]

Jon:
[clears throat] Hello, this is Jon Arbuckle - Garfield, stop doing that! Uhh... um, I can't come to the...

[Odie whimpers]

Jon:
No, take Odie out of there! Umm, can't... come to the phone right now. Leave your message.

[shouts]

Jon:
Garfi...

[answering machine beeps]

Jon:
[looking through black book] Let's see... "Al's Pizza Delivery", "Chow Mein City", "Ham Sandwiches 'R' Us". Garfield, this *your* little black book! [tosses it to Garfield]

Garfield:
Hey, you keep the numbers you need, I keep the numbers I need, okay?

Jon:
[singing off-key] Beautiful Heather, you are the one./Go out with me and we'll have lots of fun./Travel to Paris, London or Rome,/If I can somehow leave my orange cat at home.

Garfield:
[hearing Jon sing in the shower] People who sing in the shower should be dragged into the street and shot. Nope, too good for him.

Garfield:
Anyone who sings like that should be drug out into the street and shot!

Judge:
What does he do?

Parrot:
Polly does impressions!, Polly does impressions! [imitating Bill Cosby] Ha ha hey man this is really cool, give me a cracker man ha ha ha! [imitating Pee Wee Herman] La la la, la la la, la la la [laughs] [imitating Jack Nicholson] Let me have a cracker pal or I won't be responsible [imitating Bob Hope] Hey how about these feathers huh?, aren't they something?, Hey I wanna tell ya [imitating Clint Eastwood] Go ahead make my cage! [imitating Mr. T] I pity the fool, I pity the fool who don't give me a cracker, cuz I need a cracker! [exhausted] well what do you think?

Judge:
Needs work.

Binky the Clown:
Is Edna Fogarty here? I'm here to wish Edna Fogarty a happy 97th birthday!

Garfield:
If he does, Edna won't make 98.

Garfield:
[on intro] You folks have this confused: *I'm* real, and *you're* animated.

Orson Pig:
Oh, everyone's up. Roy can knock off that crowing... I'm gonna go tell him to stop.

Wade Duck:
Hey Orson! Is this your paper here under the sofa?

Wade Duck:
It starts with just a little thing no one would miss at all. What possible, perceivable harm can it do to break just a little law? What harm can it do? What harm can it do? What harm can it do? Bedtime's every night at nine, but out of bed you creep. You play real quiet until you hear: "You're supposed to go to sleep!". What harm can it do? What harm can it do? What harm can it do? Rules are made for a reason, always some we hate. But they help us all get along together. Laws are made to keep us straight! You borrow something from a friend: a doll or maybe a truck. They saw you take it! They want it back! Oh, boy! No toy! Oh, yuck! What harm can it do? WHAT HARM CAN IT DO?

Roy Rooster:
Wade, you're a wanted duck!

[as Jon is in television show]

TV Host:
...And here's our man... Jon Arbingle!

Jon:
It's Jon Arbuckle! Jon Arbuckle!

Garfield:
[to the camera, as Al Swindler's dilapidated plane goes down, and after Swindler has bailed out] Kids, check your TV listings! Make sure this isn't the last episode!

Jon Arbuckle:
Why are my long-distance calls measured in light-years?

Garfield:
Your cute little extraterrestrial must've phoned home.

Nermal:
Garfield! Help! This dinosaur is fifty feet tall!

Garfield:
See? He's exaggerating again. That dinosaur is only forty feet tall.

Garfield:
[rapping] Some guys are trouble, some guys are fun; I'm Michael Jackson all rolled into one.

Wade Duck:
I'm afraid of a lot of things. Alphabetically, aardvar...

Psychiatrist:
Excuse me, but what are you doing *under* the couch?

Wade Duck:
I have a lot of problems.

Super Sonic Seymour:
[reading the list Garfield typed] I want you to remove my pants, take back all the money from me, dump paint on my head and let the garbage men take me... I.I.I... wait a minute!

Jon Arbuckle:
I can't wait a minute, I have to remove your pants, dump paint on your head... [proceeds to do so]

Garfield:
This is the end of the Garfield rap. Now pass me a pillow, it's time for my nap.

Garfield:
[rapping] Beef-by products is how they sell the parts of the cow they can't identify.

Jon:
What are you doing Garfield?

Garfield:
Guess.

Jon:
Are you dancing?

Garfield:
Nope.

Jon:
Are you upset?

Garfield:
Nope.

Jon:
Are you hungry?

Garfield:
Not for another two minutes.

Jon:
Are you trying to warn me about something?

Garfield:
Guess again.

Jon:
ARGH! You're driving me crazy!

Garfield:
Aw, he guessed.

Garfield:
[on show intro] Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move.

Wade Duck:
You know, I complain a lot, but when you get down to it, it's a wonderful life.

Mr. Sprocket:
Kids don't want to watch a cartoon about a cat.

Garfield:
They're culturally deprived.

Chorus singers:
[singing] Keep on rolling, keep on rolling, rolling down the road, keep on rolling, keep on rolling, with your heavy load. Keep on trucking, keep on trucking, that's what truckers do, got to keep on trucking, got to get on through!

Garfield:
[singing] If you're wondering what became of me, I was nowhere near the road. I can't rescue Odie, I'm not in this episode. Keep on snoring, keep on snoring, back home safe and sound, keep on snoring, keep on snoring, most fun I have found. Keep on sleeping, keep on sleeping, peaceful here alone, got to keep on sleeping, Odie's on his own.

Garfield:
Billy Bob shook and moaned and shivered, and he told the puppy why. 'We'll never get this load delivered if I can't outrun this guy!'

Garfield:
[on show intro] I haven't had so much fun since Nermal fell in the mud.

Garfield:
Hello. This is Garfield, your doorman.

Muriel:
If he were your friend, he'd have you on more than once a season.

Floyd:
Hey, I'm lucky, he hasn't had Binky the Clown on for 3 years!

Orson:
Somebody stole our cow!

Bo:
What an udder disaster, man.

Aunt Prunella:
Why little kitty, you decided to serenade me with the bagpipes, how did you know I was part Scottish?

Garfield:
I don't know, must be your uncanny resemblance to the Loch Ness monster.

Jon Arbuckle:
Come on, Garfield, you've got to get in shape!

Garfield:
I *am* in shape! Round is a shape!

Garfield:
[seeing the refrigerator empty] It's empty! And I didn't empty it!

Rick Deltoid:
[seeing Garfield] Say, that is a cat, isn't it? Looks more like a mattress with whiskers.

Garfield:
I hate a guy whose I.Q. is smaller than his waist.

Garfield:
[to Odie] We're less than 10 items so we can use the express lane.

Jon Arbuckle:
Oh, Garfield, try *not* to annoy the mailman today.

Garfield:
[looking at calendar] Today's the day I annoy the *garbage* man. The mailman is tomorrow.

Garfield:
See what you've done? You've made me into a liar! And you know what happens to liars!

Devil Garfield:
They get jobs doing the weather on TV.

Garfield:
Okay, I've had my morning coffee. Time for my post-coffee-mid-morning nap.

Jon Arbuckle:
[singing] Here's my dumbbell.

Garfield:
[singing; pointing to Jon] Here's *my* dumbbell.

Jon Arbuckle:
Here's my little rope.

Garfield:
Here's my little dope.

Jon Arbuckle:
What's wrong with a little exercise?

Garfield:
What's wrong with a little extra size?

Jon Arbuckle:
Maybe there's still hope.

Garfield:
Nope.

Jon Arbuckle:
Let's turn the place into a gym.

Garfield:
I think there's something seriously wrong with him.

Jon Arbuckle:
Workout! Workout! That's what it's gonna take.

Garfield:
Cookout! Cookout! How about a great big steak?

Jon Arbuckle:
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Garfield:
The road to the kitchen can lead to new dimensions.

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield, we're gonna get in shape!

Garfield:
Fat chance!