Gary Unmarried

Allison Brooks:
The Russian poet Shovasokinit?

Gary Brooks:
Yes, and his wife Offenisabitch.

[first lines]

Vanessa Flood:
[wakes up in bed together] Good morning! Hi!

Gary Brooks:
Hi! Hey, didn't I paint your condo a couple weeks ago?

Vanessa Flood:
No, a bunch of workers painted my condo while you hit on me.

Gary Brooks:
You know what, those workers are living the American dream: show up on time, you work hard, and just maybe... your boss will get laid.

Gary Brooks:
[in pain after a night of sex, knock on door] Oh, please let that be a door-to-door chiropractor.

Gary Brooks:
[about his ex-wife at the door] I know what she wants, she already has my left one.

Allison Brooks:
[at her house] Were you in my hot tub?

Gary Brooks:
No, I was in *my* hot tub, that *I* built, with *my* hands, on *my* patio!

Allison Brooks:
Uh, that *my* lawyer was able to get from, *your* friend, who went to law school, on the *internet*!

Dr. Walter Krandall:
[Louise and Krandall show up at Gary's door in bike helmets] Allison asked if I could pick Tom and Louise up from school.

Gary Brooks:
Great! Where's Tom?

Dr. Walter Krandall:
Unfortunately, I only had enough room on my bike for one.

Tom Brooks:
[stumbles in the door out of breath] Ak. He made me run behind him! That's *not* the definition of being *picked up* at all!

[first lines]

Gary Brooks:
Hey Louise. How was your day?

Louise Brooks:
Terrible. Remember when I wrote that letter to the E.P.A. about toxic insulation in our school?

Gary Brooks:
[shakes his head "No"] Yeah, honey, you right a lot of letters.

Louise Brooks:
Well, it's gonna cost the school $50,000 to fix it, so they're cancelling the Art program!

Gary Brooks:
How was your day, Tommy?

Tom Brooks:
Great! I just found out I don't have to take Art, so...

[Gary and Tom high-five]

Gary Brooks:
Argh! Oh my gosh, the divorce agreement: the piece of paper that stipulates that you always get the upper-hand, and I get the finger!

Gary Brooks:
You know, I wish you would stop bringing up that stupid divorce agreement, because I signed it under duress.

Allison Brooks:
Oh, how were you under duress?

Gary Brooks:
They said if I didn't sign it, I'd have to stay married to you!

Ira:
You actually divorced a woman who can cook lasagna like this? You are foolish, foolish man.

Allison Brooks:
Gary, I love this table. What, you think I'm just trying to hold on to it just to be vindictive?

Gary Brooks:
It would fit a pattern, yeah.

Gary Brooks:
[about her butt-tattoo] Please! Let me see it, please!

Vanessa Flood:
You've already seen it!

Gary Brooks:
Yeah, but - but I've never seen it in the light. I'll show it a great deal of respect. I promise.

Vanessa Flood:
I don't know. I spend one night with you, and you want to take me away for the weekend? I must have been pretty amazing.

Gary Brooks:
Until I check the video tape from last night I won't know for sure.

Allison Brooks:
[had the kids over his weekend] I kept them because we were doing a two-hour juice cleanse and I knew you wouldn't honor it.

Gary Brooks:
Probably not. No, when my kids are starving, I - I tend to *feed* them... Sorry if that makes me the *fun* parent.

Gary Brooks:
Hey kids, throw away your books, get rid of your toothbrushes - your with Daddy now.

Allison Brooks:
[Gary asks why she must quote psycho-babble to the kids] Because, children of divorce are more likely to struggle in their own relationships. There's an entire chapter on it in "Rules for a Perfect Divorce". The book Dr. Krandall gave both of us to read. *God* you haven't even opened yours, have you!

Gary Brooks:
I don't have to read it, I have the *audio* version seated on my couch!

Allison Brooks:
Have - have you noticed that Tommy is scared to death of girls?

Gary Brooks:
He should be afraid of girls! They pretend to like you, and then they take all your stuff!

Allison Brooks:
[she and Dr. Krandall are encouraging Tommy to explore "Second Life" to meet girls] It's an online society, Gary. Okay? It's a safe place for him to meet other teens.

Gary Brooks:
Yeah, and maybe a Congressman!

Gary Brooks:
[to Tommy on the computer] Hey, look at that, "Second Life" Wow, that's pretty cool. You know we, uh, we didn't have anything like that when I was a kid. We had, uh, - outside.