Gavin & Stacey

[Gavin and Stacey are talking over the phone, Stacey is laughing at something Gavin has said]

Gavin:
You've got a right dirty laugh, do you know that? You have, you sound like Barbara Windsor.

Stacey:
Oh, I know, it's the smoking.

Gavin:
I didn't know you smoked.

Stacey:
Yeah, I do. But I gonna start giving up when I'm 28 and then definetely stop when I'm 30.

Gwen:
You don't know anything about this Gavin. For all you know he might be a paedophile.

Stacey:
Well, he wouldn't be interested in me then, would he?

Gwen:
You never know these days, love. He might be grooming you.

Dave:
[watching Nessa get on the coach] I had the best night of my life with that woman.

Stacey:
Are we all right to smoke, then?

Dave:
Animal. Absolute animal.

Stacey:
Dave?

Dave:
What? Sorry, love. Smoking, yeah. My motto is fags and weed, glue and speed, but I draws the line at crack. That way, everyone knows where they stand.

Stacey:
[smiling] Ah, fair play.

Dave:
Don't suppose I could tempt you to a Chinese down mine later?

Nessa:
Oh. Dave, when are you gonna learn? You can buy me all the chocolates, all the chow mein you like but it won't wash and you knows why. Now, back off, or I'll tell everyone on that coach about my trip to the doctor's. Is that what you really want?

Dave:
No. Sorry.

Nessa:
Look, I think you're a cracking bloke, Dave, but let's face it, you're riddled.

Dave:
I know. How is everything, uh, down there, by the way?

Nessa:
Shipshape and shiny now. No thanks to you.

Smithy:
[handing Nessa her thong] You, erm... forgot this.

Nessa:
Oh. Tidy.

Smithy:
[reluctantly] So, I'll give you a ring.

Nessa:
Why?

Smithy:
Well, you know...

Nessa:
Get a life, Smithy.

Gavin:
If you say it, I'll say it back.

Stacey:
I love you.

Gavin:
I love you, too. [Overjoyed, Stacey jumps into Gavin's arms and they kiss. Then a loud electronic ringing goes off] What's that?

Stacey:
Just my rape alarm. [She carries on kissing him]

[Bryn is showing Gavin the internet on his computer. Bryn is acting like the internet has just been invented]

Gavin:
[bored] Yeah, the internet's just incredible, innit?

Bryn:
It is, Gavin, it is, provided the remember the one golden rule, and I'll tell you what, it took me a while to get my head round it. What it is, you have to start everything, everything, with w-w-w-dot. And the best thing to do is to think of something to help remind you, like with me now, I think of "whiskey with water" which was my brother, God rest his soul, my brother's favourite drink. But it could be anything. I mean, you could say... come on, three w's. Um... women... wearing wings. No, don't say that, that's a terrible one. [he laughs]

Gavin:
What about worldwide web?

Bryn:
Worldwide web. I like it, like a spider. Hey, that's the ticket, that's brilliant, you've got it. First class, that is! [makes a funny noise, indicting he's impressed] What is it you do, if you don't mind me asking?

Gavin:
I work in computers.

Bryn:
Ah.

Bryn:
Party? London? Saturday? A party in London this saturday?

Stacey:
It's Essex.

Bryn:
Yeah, in my book that's tantamount to London!

Bryn:
Gwen, have you ever heard such nonsense?

Gwen:
Well, it can't do any harm, can it?

Bryn:
You've changed your tune!

Gwen:
Well, what's the problem? We can drive up, and you'll get a chance to try out your SatNav.

Bryn:
Oh... Ah... Now that is a thought. Yes. Yes. Stacey, please inform the Shipmans that I accept their offer and very much look foward to meeting them.

Nessa:
Alright, Stace, what's occurring?

Stacey:
I need your advice, I do.

Nessa:
Go for it.

Stacey:
Should I tell Gav about the other engagements? Or should I just leave it? Thing is, things are going so lush, if I tell him it might just wreck everything. And it's not that big a deal, is it?

Nessa:
That depends. This reminds me of a very similar situation I was in with my second huband, Clive. I was faced with a dilemma, whether to lie, or not to lie, and I chose to tell the truth.

Stacey:
And what happened?

Nessa:
He died. Firing squad. Terrible way to go, Stace and I wouldn't like to see it happen to you. Smugglers, we were. And if it weren't for my relationship with John Prescott, I'd still be in that jail right now. So yeah, in answer to your question, I'd say no, don't tell him.

Stacey:
Oh, thanks, Ness. Do you miss him? Clive?

Nessa:
I do, yeah. But I don't miss walking through customs with a belly full of cracked-filled condoms.

Pam:
And you must be Uncle Bryne... uh, Brian.

Bryn:
[shaking hands with her] Bryn.

Pam:
Bryn.

Bryn:
It means "hill" in Welsh.

Pam:
Does it really? Do you know, I've no idea what my name means in Welsh.

Nessa:
Why.

Pam:
Cos I don't speak the lingo, darling.

Nessa:
No, in Welsh Pam means "why".

Pam:
Oh.

Nessa:
[thinks] Or "brick".

[the men are in the kitchen, drinking the home-brewed beer that Smithy has brought]

Bryn:
Ooh, it's strong, isn't it?

Mick:
Yeah. You don't want too much of it. What percent is it, again?

Smithy:
Nineteen.

Bryn:
Oh yeah. Whoo! I like it. The funny thing is, it's not my usual tipple. Normally, I prefer a Cinzano. [Gavin laughs a little, Smithy laughs loudly]

Smithy:
[Mimicking Bryn's accent] Cinzano! [he laughs] I love your accent, Bryn! It's so much better than Stacey's. Say something else, go on, go on.

Bryn:
All right, uh, bear with me. I got it. [in a thick accent] I'm going down the Arms Park for half a dark! [They all laugh]

Gavin:
Now say something in Welsh. You know, in Welsh.

Bryn:
That's the thing, you see, I can't.

Smithy:
How do you mean?

Bryn:
I cannot speak the Welsh language. It's a constant source of embarrassment to me, but Welsh is not my mother tongue.

Mick:
Now, why is that, Bryn? Cos, every time I've been down there it seems none of you can speak it. I mean, you spend all that money on them signs and none of you can read 'em.

Stacey:
[coming out of the changing rooms wearing a wedding dress] I know it's white, right, but who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they're a virgin these days?

Nessa:
I'll have a pint. Of wine.

[Bryn is going to take Gavin for a stag night down The Dolphin, a local pub]

Nessa:
I used to work down The Dolphin, as it goes. If you see Carl, tell him I says alright.

Gavin:
I don't know who Carl is.

Stacey:
You will.

Nessa:
He's got a tattoo that says "I'm Carl". On his chin.

[Outside the church after the wedding]

Nessa:
[shakes Gavin's hand] Congratulations. Tidy.

Gavin:
Come here! [he goes to give her a kiss]

Nessa:
Oh! [she stops him] You just got married, that is disgusting.

Nessa:
How's it going, alright?

Smithy:
OK, I'm glad you brought it up, cos I've got a girlfriend who a lot of people here know, so I'd appreciate it...

Nessa:
Where to she now, then?

Smithy:
What?

Nessa:
Where to she now?

Smithy:
Right, either speak English or learn Welsh, cos that, "where to she"... do you you mean where is she now?

Nessa:
Yeah.

Smithy:
Say that, then.

Nessa:
Where is she now?

Smithy:
Sixth-Formers netball tournament in Southend. She couldn't get out of it, she's wing attack.

Doris:
I mean that's bad luck by anyone's standards.

Griff:
What now?

Doris:
Well, she lives for the day she can change her name from West, what with all the connotations and what have you, and what does she become? A Shipman.

Griff:
Oh. That's very unfortunate. I don't know which is worse.

Doris:
Surely Shipman?

Griff:
Well, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Doris:
It was more than half a dozen, Griff, it was an 'undred.

[Stacey has found out that Nessa is pregnant]

Stacey:
You've got to tell Smithy.

Nessa:
I can't.

Stacey:
You've got to.

Nessa:
He's a twat!

Stacey:
I know. But he's the father of your child.

Nessa:
I just can't believe this, Stace. Of all the people I've slept with it's him gets me pregnant. Not Nigel Havers, not John Prescott, not any of Goldie Lookin Chain. No, some knobhead from Essex.

Gwen:
How are you gettin' on with yours, Ness? Still battling on?

Nessa:
I won't lie to you - it's a tough read. It's putting me through the ringer a bit.

Gwen:
What is it actually about, The Satanic Verses?

Nessa:
Don't make me talk about it, Gwen. I don't want another fatwa.

Nessa:
[Dressed as Santa Claus, talking to a little boy on her knee] Oh. Oh. Oh. Merry Christmas.

Nessa:
He's a good bloke, Kev. I've got a lot of time for him.

Jason:
He loved you, didn't he?

Stacey:
Yeah, but imagine, if I'd married him, I'd be Stacey Spacey!