Getting Straight

Judy Kramer:
Harry, you lied to me. You told me you were gonna go to that free speech meeting!

Harry Bailey:
No, *you* lied to me. You told me there was gonna be free food.

Judy Kramer:
Harry, what happened? you used to be the great rebel! The great leader. What are you afraid of?

Harry Bailey:
Of being late for class.

Judy Kramer:
Harry, in a few months the entire military industrial complex is going to have us in concentration camps in Arizona!

Harry Bailey:
Hey, Judy, don't knock Arizona. It has the least incidence of lung cancer, homosexuality and crabs.

Dr. Willhunt:
For those of you whose averages might drop considerably, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Mr. Bailey, I hear Vietnam is quite pleasant this time of year.

Harry Bailey:
No, not really Dr. Wilhunt. You see, it's the rainy season. And during the rainy season, we used to get these fantastic mudslides that would wash up all these shallow graves. So if you really want to enjoy yourself, I would go in the late summertime.

Dr. Willhunt:
[Clearly annoted by some laughter from the class] I'll see you in my office at eleven o'clock. See if you can make it promptly at eleven.

Harry Bailey:
[speaking of black rights] Stop trying to join up, will you. You've gotta be better than we are.

Ellis:
We already are in certain areas.

Harry Bailey:
Yeah, I know. How come that's the only racial stereotype you never bother to deny?

Dr. Greengrass:
[at a masters degree "firing squad"] So, it is undeniable, isn't it? You can't deny it. F. Scott Fitzgerald was a homosexual and it appears in his writing. Doesn't it? Doesn't it?

Harry Bailey:
[he realizes he is defeated and suddenly lashes out with an outburst of yelling] It's gonna... it's gonna... IT'S GONNA BE A SURPRISE TO SHEILA GRAHAM!

Dr. Greengrass:
[suddenly becoming afraid] W-w-what?

Harry Bailey:
I SAID IT'S GONNA BE A SURPRISE TO ZELDA!

Garcia:
[in a beginner's English class] I didn't get that far in high school English. So... I was kind of shafted.

Harry Bailey:
What was that?

Garcia:
I... I was shafted.

Harry Bailey:
Very good, Garcia. Very good. First person of the verb "to be." "I was." That's very good, Garcia. Now, who can give me the "you" form of "to be" with the same sentence? Yes, you!

Student:
Well... you were shafted.

Student #2:
Yeah, when they gave you this course!

Harry Bailey:
You, can you give me the third person form?

Student #2:
She was shafted. [the class applauds]

Harry Bailey:
Very good. So, as you see, "I was shafted." "You were shafted." "She was shafted." We all get shafted the same.

Student:
We never learned from *that* type of sentence in high school!

Harry Bailey:
Well, what do high school teachers know about fancy shafting?

Cynthia:
[student to teacher] Can you perhaps give me some recommendations for this book report? Whenever I go to the library, I just get so lost.

Harry Bailey:
[taken by her sex appeal] Oh, sure. [he writes down the title of a book]

Cynthia:
[reading his recommendation] "The Complete Unexpurgated Works of the Markeese de Sayd.

Harry Bailey:
No, no. It's the Marquis de Sade. You see, he was a Frenchman.

Cynthia:
He was a pervert.

Harry Bailey:
You already know about him?

Cynthia:
My high school English teacher already tried to turn me onto him.

Harry Bailey:
[Bitterly and sarcastically to Ellis] Yes, I really approve of your protest about letting the lab monkeys copulate before they are taken into vivisection. One of the burning issues of our times!

Harry Bailey:
We're sending those kids off to drop napalm on people. People like you, Alice and the kids. Defecating in the hallway of the Hilton Hotel. I don't only call it a tame gesture. I call it fantastic restraint.

Nick:
Harry, why do you want to be a teacher, man?

Harry Bailey:
Money, Nick. Money and power and little girls to molest. It's a great life!

Jake:
He was busting my chops about how my paintings were subversive. C'mon! My wife's ass is a subversive painting?

Harry Bailey:
Woman? You're not a woman! You're just a guy with a hole in the middle!

Jan:
How can you be so cavalier? Did you see what was going on out there? It was ugly!

Harry Bailey:
No. That protest... was sexy.

Jan:
Sexy?

Harry Bailey:
Do you think you're the only one who got laid tonight?

Harry Bailey:
[pointing out a rioting student to the dean] Do you see that kid outside? Last week, he just wanted to get laid. Now he wants to kill somebody. You should have let him get laid!

Harry Bailey:
I'm going to be a teacher... and I'm going to teach the truth... to somebody.

Harry Bailey:
[to Vanderburg about the protesting students] If you don't want them to think, you shouldn't have given them library cards.

Girl student:
Yeah, you know how much a teacher makes in this state?

Harry Bailey:
Yes, more than a secretary and less than a hooker... someplace in-between that.

Nick:
[about Sally to Harry] Good scientist, lousy lay.

Jan:
A man who can't believe in a cause can't believe in himself, and that goes for a woman too!

Jan:
Harry, if you're so God-damned smart, why can't you make me happy?

Dr. Kasper:
You know, I worry about you, Harry. How are you going to survive teaching in high school where the pupils are really stupid?