Ghostbusters: Afterlife

[Phoebe and Gary Grooberson have rigged a ghost trap to a school bus]

Phoebe:
Are you sure this is safe?

Gary:
Safe? Heh. No. No, history is safe. Geometry: that's safe. Science is all particle accelerators and hydrogen bombs. Science is giving yourself the plague and gambling on the cure.

Phoebe:
Science is reckless.

Gary:
Totally! Yes! It's punk rock! A safety pin through the nipple of academia.

Podcast:
Ouch.

Gary:
Fire it up.

Callie Spenger:
Hi!

Gary:
Hello, again.

Callie:
You... brought them home.

Gary:
It's a service I provide. I'm also an escort.... that came out wrong.

Callie:
Kinda, yeah.

Gary:
Look, the truth is, is that I've always kind of wondered what lurked inside this... haunt-box.

Callie:
Right. Well, the only think lurking inside here is my slowly-dying soul.

Gary:
Is that what that smell is?

Callie:
Well, it's not dinner, so... [chuckles] Uh, would you...?

Gary:
Sure!

Callie:
Like...?

Gary:
Yeah!

Callie:
I don't have any food.

Gary:
It's fine.

Callie:
Tour!

Gary:
Great!

Callie:
Great.

Ray:
Ray's Occult, and we're closed.

Phoebe:
Wait! I only get one phone call. I'm... in prison.

Ray:
The slammer, huh? Heh, been there myself. I'm no lawyer, but I'm listening.

Phoebe:
Are you Ray Stanz, the Ghostbuster?

Ray:
And now, I'm hanging up.

Phoebe:
Hang on, please! I'm calling about Egon Spengler.

Ray:
[pauses] Egon Spengler can rot in Hell.

Phoebe:
He died last week.

Ray:
Oh, man... No kidding.

Phoebe:
Weren't you two friends?

Ray:
That was a long time ago.

Phoebe:
What happened to you guys?

Ray:
Well, when we started, busting ghosts was a gas. The economy was good. Reagan years. People believed in us, then things got slow. Hauntings got thin. Venkman thought we did our job too well. Oh, we could barely keep up our mortgage. Some actor bought up most of Tribeca, and we lost the firehouse. It's a Starbucks now.

Phoebe:
So, then you all just walked away?

Ray:
Peter went back to academia. He's in SUNY Cortland now, he's a Professor Emeritus, he teaches advertising and promotion. Winston went into finance, he worked hard, coined a fortune. And I'm... here.

Phoebe:
Well... what about Egon?

Ray:
Well, he wasn't helping. We went from ten calls a week, to one, if we were lucky. Then Egon started to tell people their little ghost problems didn't matter because the world was coming to an end. He got spooky, freaked me out! One morning, I go to work, and Ecto-1, our old cadillac, is gone. His neutronophone and collider pack, all the traps! Sixteen ounces of fuel isotope! All gone! He cleaned us out! Now we were the dead ones.

Phoebe:
Don't you think he might have had a reason?

Ray:
He phoned me, about ten years later. Some small town in Oklahoma. Kept rambling on about the rising storm. A huge psychic tornado that was going to consume humanity in darkness forever. And, kid, I wanted to believe him-

Phoebe:
You don't understand, there was this mountain, and it had these ancient carvings, and-

Ray:
Kid, kid, kid, there are a lot of mountains out there with ancient carvings. Take a little advice: don't go chasing ghosts.

Phoebe:
Egon Spengler was my grandfather.

Sheriff Domingo:
[hangs up the phone] Time's up.

Ray:
Hello?

Phoebe:
Uh... what do you call a fish with no 'i's? A fsh! Uh... A whale... There's two whales in a bar, and one of them goes [imitates whale call], and then, the other one goes: 'go home. You're drunk.' Uh... Uh... so a grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender's like 'we have a drink named after you!' And the grasshopper goes 'you have a drink named Steve?!'

Gozer:
Have you come to offer yourself in sacrifice?

Phoebe:
What?

Gozer:
Are you prepared to die?

Phoebe:
No, I'm twelve! Are you?

Peter:
Hey, flat-top! Have you missed us?

Ray:
Gozer the Gozerian! In the name of the county of Summerville, state of Oklahoma, The US Fish and Wildlife Service, all the members of Ducks Unlimited, The Association for the Advancement of Retired Persons. I command you under the National Invasive Species Act to depart this world immediately.

Peter:
Bravo.

[Gozer snarls in response]

Winston:
I think she remembers us.

Gozer:
Are you... a God?

[Ray pauses]

Winston:
Ray?

Peter:
Oh, come on, Ray!

Ray:
Yes.

Winston:
Yeah, we're all Gods.

Peter:
Yeah, I mean, we're all pretty dang special out here. On a personal note, I thought that we had busted up for good. I mean, it wasn't working for me. My friends didn't think so, I know yours didn't.

[Zuul goes to attack, Gozer signals her to stop]

Winston:
Okay, playtime's over. Let's toast this muffin.

[The Ghostbusters unholster their proton wands]

Peter:
Light 'em up!

Winston:
Man, I love that sound!

Peter:
On the count of three! Go on two! One! Two!

[Gozer has just been defeated, the ghost of Egon stands besides his former colleagues]

Peter:
I thought you might show up.

Ray:
I'm sorry. I didn't believe you.

[Egon nods]

Winston:
You should have called. I miss you, my friend.

Peter:
Hi, there. Pete Venkman, from the home office. Thanks for pitching in.

Phoebe:
You're welcome.

Peter:
I like your style. Who's that one?

Callie:
Callie. [pauses] Callie Spengler.

Peter:
Spengler? Heh, weird name. Try to make the best of that. Alright, we're gonna have cocoa inside. Some of us will have rum with it.

Ray:
Are you alright, son? You just single-handedly defeated a manifestation of Gozer.

Podcast:
You gotta be on my podcast!

Ray:
Sure. What's it called?

Podcast:
Mystical Tales of the Unknown Universe.

Ray:
'MTW'? That's you?

Podcast:
Wait... you're my subscriber!?

Ray:
Really found its voice in the forty-sixth episode.

[Dana Barrett and Peter are playing with Peter's ESP cards]

Dana:
Do you know what this is?

Peter:
... Lines. Two... no, three... wavy lines.

[Dana reveals the card]

Dana:
That's amazing.

Peter:
You're amazing, with your ability to... flood my psychic powers.

Dana:
I can't believe you used to shock your students.

Peter:
Between us, I only zapped the guys.

[Dana zaps Peter, Peter shouts in pain]

Peter:
For science. I know that now. I admit that.

Dana:
Ready? Try this one.

Peter:
... Uh...

Dana:
Take a moment.

Peter:
Uh... It's a five-pointed star... yes?

[Dana reveals the card]

Dana:
How are you doing that?

Peter:
Some believe that true love imbues the subject with the ability-

[Dana shocks Peter again]

Dana:
Did you mark the cards?

Peter:
Haha... no.

Dana:
You did, didn't you?

Peter:
[Nods before speaking] Yeah.

[Dana shocks Peter again]

Dana:
It works well!

Winston:
Egon was the brains. Ray was the heart. Peter just kept it cool.

Janine:
Who were you?

Winston:
The sex appeal.

[Janine and Winston laugh]

Janine:
You've done very well for yourself. A lot of shelf space.

Winston:
See, that's the thing. I don't do it for me. I do it for my kids, and I want to be an example of what's possible.

Janine:
You still covering the rent at Ray's book shop?

Winston:
Ray's gonna turn a profit one of these days.

Janine:
[chuckles] I remember the day you came in.

Winston:
I came in looking for a steady paycheck. Busting ghosts with the guys taught me not to be afraid. That I had the tools, and I had the talent. I started this business with one employee, and I've grown it into a thriving global enterprise. I may be a businessman, but I will always be a Ghostbuster.

Trevor:
Honestly, my mom won't say it, but we're completely broke. And the only thing that's left in our name is this creepy old farmhouse my grandfather left us in the middle of nowhere.

Trevor:
Hey remember that summer, when we all died under a table?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
You got a lot of nerve! Coming back here, crawling back to me. We could have been the most spectacular power couple, you know. My sense of fun, and your personality. But, no: you always had to vanquish! Conquer! You always had to maim somebody!