Gilligan's Island

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
You don't know anything about space.

Gilligan:
I do know one thing. You take up more of it than I do.

Gilligan:
Hiya, Professor. What are you doing?

Professor Roy Hinkley:
I'm making notes for a book. It's to be a chronicle of our adventures on the island... I think it's a book people will want to buy, don't you?

Gilligan:
Sure, I'll buy one. I'm dying to find out what happens to us.

Eunice Wentworth "Lovey" Howell:
Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Well, that glue is permanent! There's nothing on the island to dissolve it. Why do you know what it would take? It would take a polyester derivative of an organic hydroxide molecule.

Thurston Howell III:
Watch your language! You're in the presence of a lady!

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Ginger, I've got a problem... I've got a real problem... Now you're a girl, right?

Ginger Grant:
Well, if you're not sure about that, you have got a problem!

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Gilligan, little buddy, come with me.

Gilligan:
I'm not finished yet.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Gilligan, come with me!

Gilligan:
I'm finished.

Thurston Howell III:
The 'Wizard of Wall Street' strikes again!

[the castaways have set up a courtroom and are conducting a trial]

Thurston Howell III:
Your Honor, will you get another gavel?

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Why?

Thurston Howell III:
That one's squirting milk all over me.

[Later in the same courtroom sequence]

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Ginger's very damaging to us.

Gilligan:
Yeah, her testimony.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
No, her legs.

[And finally... ]

Thurston Howell III:
I'd like to charge Mary Ann with murder.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Murder?

Thurston Howell III:
Her testimony's killing me.

Gilligan:
You're a big man with a big head and...

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Gilligan!

Gilligan:
And a big heart.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Oh, thank you.

Thurston Howell III:
What is this slop?

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
It's Gilligan's own creation, Mr. Howell, It's coconut pot pie.

Gilligan:
What was that stuff you just gave me?

Eunice Wentworth "Lovey" Howell:
That will help you sleep, it's a sedative.

Gilligan:
Thanks, Mrs. Howell, but you're wasting your time. Those things don't work on me. I remember once...

[falls asleep]

Gilligan:
Skipper, should I pick the yellow bananas or the red bananas, because the yellow bananas are green.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Then pick the red ones.

Gilligan:
But the red ones are pink.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Gilligan, I don't care if you pick red-white-and-blue bananas, just pick some bananas!

Gilligan:
Okay, Skipper... Blue bananas?

Professor Roy Hinkley:
I'll get Mr. Howell and we'll reconnoiter.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
All right, we'll get Mr. Howell and we'll reconnoiter. Come on.

Gilligan:
Okay, but I think we ought to scout around a bit first.

Gilligan:
Do those headhunters really collect heads, Professor?

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Yes, Gilligan. They boil them... they shrink them... and then they mount them on sticks.

Gilligan:
Eeeeeeew, what a crazy cane!

Gilligan:
Skipper, are you asleep?

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
[sarcastically] Yes.

Gilligan:
Oh, well when you wake up will you tell me if you've seen my rabbit's foot?

Thurston Howell III:
You goofed, didn't you?

Robot:
I am not programmed for that information.

Thurston Howell III:
I wonder what next year's models are gonna look like.

Robot:
I am not...

Thurston Howell III:
Oh shut up!

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
I guess it will be a long time before you'll eat another mushroom.

Mary Ann Summers:
You can say that again.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
I guess it will be a long time... [laughs]

Gilligan:
Don't worry about mushrooms anymore, I got a book that tells all about them.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
You do?

Gilligan:
Huh huh. Yeah, and it's called, "'How to Tell A Mushroom From a Toadstool'" by the late Dr. Morton Kepstone.

Skipper Jonas Grumby, Mary Ann Summers:
Late?

Gilligan:
Late?

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Listen, Gilligan, how far down was she? How many feet?

Gilligan:
Professor, in navy circles, we don't say "feet". We say "fathoms".

Professor Roy Hinkley:
All right, how many fathoms?

Gilligan:
Oh I don't know, about 15 feet.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
[upon finding a robot] Oh for goodness' sakes, that's just what we needed. The tin fugitive from the Wizard of Oz.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
If I were ever seen talking to this refugee from a junkyard, they'd think the skipper lost all his marbles.

Robot:
The skipper lost his marbles.

Thurston Howell III:
[pretending he's a Chief Headhunter] Moolah, moolah, moolah.

[repeated line]

Gilligan:
Sorry, Skipper.

[repeated line]

Gilligan:
Gee whiz, Professor!

[repeated line]

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Oh, Gilligan, not again!

Gilligan:
[Repeated line] Heh. Seeya later.

[Dream sequence:
"Doctor" Gilligan is on trial, accused of being Mr. Hyde. Mary Ann is a coarse "Eliza Dolittle" type appearing as character witness]

Mary Ann Summers:
Just a poor cockney flower girl, that's all Ah is! But Ah owes *everything* to Doctor Gilligan. 'E taught me to *walk*, and to *talk*, and to *dress*, like a regular LADY! 'E give me real CLASS 'e did!

[blows nose loudly]

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
What did you think of my Mark Anthony?

Parrot:
Terrible! Terrible! Terrible!

Gilligan:
Don't mind him, Skipper. He just says what he's taught.

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
And who's been teaching him?

Gilligan:
I don't know.

Parrot:
Gilligan! Gilligan! Gilligan!

Gilligan:
Blabberbeak!

Mrs. Lovey Howell:
Don't just stand there Thurston-run!

Thurston Howell III:
A Howell *never* runs in the face of danger! [sound of explosion] he walks *very* fast.

Ginger Grant:
Where's Mary Ann?

Duke Williams:
Baby, we don't need a cheering section.

Ginger Grant:
I do, I'm an actress.

Duke Williams:
[regarding Ginger] A redhead is a fickle piece of chick, and that's for sure!

Thurston Howell III:
I'd walk out on that picture even on an airplane.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Well, it must be their old abandoned Yacht, and this is silent picture equipment.

Mrs. Lovey Howell:
I just love those old silent pictures and those marvelous silent picture stars. Oh, look, darling. There's 'Theda Bara' And there's Little 'Mary Pickford' and 'Rudolph Valentino'.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
The Mosquitoes left us a note.

Thurston Howell III:
They can write?

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Apparently...

Erika Tiffany Smith:
[first lines - admiring her yacht captain] Ah yes, I *must* have you promoted.

Mary Ann Summers:
Mister Howell, I don't even think she saw me.

Thurston Howell III:
Well of course not, she has something in her eye - a man.

Erika Tiffany Smith:
I thought all professors wear glasses.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Oh not at all, my eyes are ametropic and completely refractable.

Erika Tiffany Smith:
From here they look blue.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
[after being introduced] Mrs Tiffany-Smith, you don't know what a pleasure this is.

Erika Tiffany Smith:
I certainly intend to find out.

Thurston Howell III:
Put a bandage on that girl, she'll freeze to death!

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Fortunately I happen to know something about the construction of mannequins.

The Skipper:
Gilligan, when they were passing out the brains, you weren't at the end of the line. YOU WERE ON VACATION!

Gilligan:
That's what you think, fatso.

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[All the castaways are present, seated or standing around the communal table with the radio on it. They are all ad-libbing as the Skipper hears the radio] Wait a minute! Quiet! The announcement, quiet! Quiet!

Thurston Howell III:
[Radio Announcer] And now they are activating the robot's receptor spools to see if they can find out how it got to Hawaii. The next voice you hear will be that of the robot.

Mrs. Lovey Howell:
[mechanically] I have been on a deserted island. The putt breaks to the right.

Ginger Grant:
Well, it was a lucky shot!

Mrs. Lovey Howell:
[mechanically] Sweep back and forth, back and forth. I was stranded. This is the way we wash our clothes.

Thurston Howell III:
[Radio Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the scientists from the laboratory are checking to see exactly what went wrong. Perhaps now we can learn the reason the recorded messages are all scrambled... A WHAT?... Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, a RABBIT'S FOOT was just found in the robot!

[Everyone is now looking directly at Gilligan who is shying away from their stares]

Thurston Howell III:
It demagnetized the entire receptor spools. There is now no chance of finding out where the robot has been, who reprogrammed it, or how it got to Hawaii. For that matter, how the rabbit's foot got in there in the first place!

[Everyone is now extremely upset with Gilligan and gives him even more intense dirty looks]

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby, Thurston Howell III, Mrs. Lovey Howell, Ginger Grant, Professor Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann Summers:
GILLIGAN... !

Gilligan:
I just thought it'd bring us some luck, ya know? [Others are about to grab Gilligan for a good pounding when the scene fades out]

Native Warrior:
[closing lines] [says something unintelligible to Gilligan]

Gilligan:
[calls to Professor] What's he saying, Professor?

Native Warrior:
[turns, calls to Professor]

Professor Roy Hinkley:
[calls to Gilligan] Oh, he just said you first have to pass the Best Man Test.

Gilligan:
[calls to Professor] Best Man Test?

Native Warrior:
[calls to Professor, makes throwing motion]

Professor Roy Hinkley:
[calls to Gilligan] Poison darts at six paces!

Gilligan:
[stands up in boat] Poison darts at six paces? [leaps overboard, swims ashore]

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
I am not marrying that fat native girl!

Gilligan:
Well, you're not so skinny yourself.

Thurston Howell III:
Gilligan, you dunce, you've done it again! These savages are civilized!

Ginger Grant:
[Gilligan puts a blanket around Ginger] Gilligan, it's much too hot for a blanket.

Gilligan:
It won't be in a few minutes. I used a lot of bleach on your dress.

Ginger Grant:
[Looks at her dress under the blanket] Oh no!

Gilligan:
Oh yes!

Ginger Grant:
[as her dress slides off under the blanket] Oh my!

Mary Ann Summers:
I used to be a Girl Scout, and they teach you a lot!

Ginger:
I used to go with a Boy Scout, and they teach you a lot, too.

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[yelling at the ocean] Now hear this! If there be a man-eating shark out there... [pointing at Gilligan]... what are you waiting for?

Mary Ann Summers:
[Gilligan is standing guard outside a hut where the Professor and the Skipper are assembling a geiger counter] Is everyone ready for the Christmas party?

Ginger Grant:
Christmas party? You mean birthday party!

Lovey Howell:
Anniversary party!

Thurston Howell III:
Young man, what do you have to say for yourself?

Gilligan:
Just one word. [turns and opens door of hut]

Gilligan:
HELP! [Skipper and Professor fall over in surprise, ruining progress on assembling the Geiger counter]

Gilligan:
Dumb old mine! I'm going to give it a good, swift kick!

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
Gilligan, don't! [steps between Gilligan and the mine. Gilligan ends up kicking him] Oh, my shins!

Mrs. Lovey Howell:
[entering, seeing Gilligan playing a drum] Oh, Gilligan, I am hungry for music!

Gilligan:
[pausing and holding up a drumstick] Would you like a drumstick?

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[the parrot has dug up a small box. The Skipper picks it up and starts dusting it off] It's a jewel box all right. Jewel... crackers.

Sam, the Parrot:
Sam wants a cracker! Sam wants a cracker!

[Igor produces two bottles from a hidden compartment]

Ivan:
Vodka? On a spaceship?

Igor:
ONLY way to fly!

Igor:
[Planning to leave without the castaways] We invite them to celebration, drink toast, get them drunk.

Ivan:
Igor! Good idea! We got plenty vodka in capsule.

Igor:
Sure! Two Russian men can drink more than four American men.

Ivan:
Is only *three* men.

Igor:
Is *four*! Is sailor, is teacher, is rich capitalist, is-... Ah, you are right Ivan. Is *three* men... and *one* Gilligan!

Thurston Howell III:
Gentlemen. I am Thurston Howell III and this of course is my wife, Mrs. Thurston Howell III.

Mrs. Lovey Howell:
Charmed.

Igor:
Capitalist! Exploiter!

Thurston Howell III:
Capitalist. Exploiter. I was wrong Lovey. They're very friendly!

Ginger Grant:
Agent 36-25-36 reporting, sir.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
There's a table in this Navy manual that tells me how much I should weigh.

Gilligan:
Maybe it's under "tonnage".

[last lines]

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
Just look at that mess, Gilligan.

Gilligan:
It won't take long to clean it up with all three of us.

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
"All three of us?"

Professor Roy Hinkley:
"All three of us?"

Gilligan:
Yeah, all three of us. Me, myself, and I.

[first lines]

Kalani:
[floundering in the water] Help! Help!

Ugundi:
[challenging him to a fight] Do you know what happen when sun go down?

Gilligan:
Gilligan go down.

[last lines]

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[about his pants on fire] Some fire god. Gilligan you did it again!

The Skipper:
There's a space up there, there's a space down here, and THERE'S A SPACE BETWEEN YOUR EARS!

Mary Ann Summers:
[thinking she's been chosen to be hunted] Me?

Jonathan Kincaid:
My dear, shooting you would be like shooting an Easter bunny.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
I want all of you to know that the attache case is missing and until it is recovered you are all suspects!

Gilligan:
Does that mean none of us can leave the island?

Thurston Howell III:
[the castaways discover Wiley has stolen their belongings and start to run after him] He even took my solid gold suspenders! [Howell's pants fall down]

Ginger Grant:
[regarding his poor childhood] What did you and your family do for entertainment?

Norbert Wiley:
We used to sit around and watch each other get skinny.

[dream sequence:
Gilligan is the ruler of a small country. The Skipper is Secretary of the Navy]

Gilligan:
How's my Navy holding up?

Jonas Grumby - Skipper:
Well since you brought it up sir, why don't you come to the window and see for yourself?

Rodriguez:
Again?

[Gilligan looks out of window. Stock footage of burning sinking ship rolls]

Rodriguez:
Propaganda! Vicious Propaganda!

Gilligan:
Are you doing something about that?

Jonas Grumby - Skipper:
Yes sir, we are! We're teaching our sailors how to SWIM!

Gilligan:
Good!

Jonas Grumby - Skipper:
And the people on shore are learning mouth-to-mouth resuscitation -without becoming emotionally involved!

Rodriguez:
How can you do that?

Jonas Grumby - Skipper:
It ain't easy!

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[after Gilligan has spilled soup on him for a second time] Why me, Professor? Why always me?

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
This is your moment of truth, little buddy. Please don't spill the soup on the Howells.

Gilligan:
Be of good cheer, Skipper. For I will [picks up the tray of soup bowls] not spill the soup.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
It's working, he's afraid of himself.

Gilligan:
That makes it unanimous!

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[about stray pigeon] Let's attach a note to him and send him off.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
He's been through a great ordeal with storm. He's lost feathers, and he's lost weight.

Gilligan:
Well, maybe we can just send a short note.

Gilligan:
[as "Hamlet," flubbing his line about "get thee to a nunnery" to Ginger, playing "Ophelia"] There is nothing left to do, Ophelia... but to get thee to a notarary. [Ginger nods]

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Ginger, the blow to her head caused Mary Ann to assume the identity of the only famous actress she's ever known, you.

Gilligan:
It's a lucky thing she didn't know Lassie.

Gilligan:
[regarding the lost ticket] Let's see... it couldn't be in that tin box buried down at the base of that big palm tree by the lagoon.

Ginger Grant:
I didn't know there was a tin box buried under that tree!

Gilligan:
There isn't. That's why it couldn't be there.

[Gilligan sees everything upside down, so the Skipper reluctantly stands on his head]

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
For a little guy, you sure get in a lot of trouble!

Gilligan:
That's because I try harder.

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
The things I do for you...

Gilligan:
Sorry, Skipper, but this is the only way I can talk to you without falling down. Or up. Or sideways.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
[Walks out of hut with a potion for Gilligan] Skipper, you are standing upside-down, aren't you?

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Well of course I'm standing upside-down, Professor!

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Oh. Good; for a minute I thought I was working too hard.

[first lines]

Skipper Jonas Grumby:
Hey, Gilligan! Gilligan!

Gilligan:
Oh, my gosh. Man overboard. I'll save you, Skipper!

Gilligan:
You know, Skipper. I'm very happy to be here. I'm so happy, I could kiss the ground.

[kisses the sand]

Gilligan:
This island tastes terrible.

Gilligan:
Skipper gone, Gilligan one smart Marubi.

Ginger Grant:
I learned a little Hawaiian when I was singing in a club in Waikiki. Wahine wiki huki luki nu, and every word of it comes from the bottom of my heart.

Gilligan:
Gee, that's real nice, Ginger. What does it mean?

Ginger Grant:
"This bar is off limits to all military personnel."

[dream sequence, arriving at a vampire's castle]

Professor Roy Hinkley:
[as "Sherlock"] I am inspector Sherlock and this is my associate, Colonel Watney.

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[as "Watney"] How do you do?

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Have you been expecting us?

Mary Ann Summers:
[as the castle caretaker] Expecting you? Five years ago I wrote you to come investigate the strange happenings in this house. FIVE YEARS! What took you so long?

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
W-w-well the fact is... uh... we had trouble getting a Hansom Cab!

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Eh... precisely! We had to WALK!

Mary Ann Summers:
You walked? All the way from England?

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
Yes, and of course, crossing the channel was devilishly slow. You see it was take one step, and come up for air, and then take another step, and come up for air...

Mary Ann Summers:
Never mind!

Gilligan:
Please help me, Professor! I... I wouldn't be a good vampire! I faint at the sight of blood! I'll starve to death!

Gilligan:
[as a vampire, standing before an open window] I shall swoop down upon their unsuspecting necks! [Gilligan jumps out of the window, followed shortly by a crashing sound. Gilligan is then seen climbing back in through the same window]

Ginger Grant:
[as Gilligan the vampire's wife] What happened?

Gilligan:
I forgot to turn into a bat!

Ginger Grant:
What kind of a vampire are you, anyway?

The Skipper:
[with Professor and Gilligan] Gilligan doesn't have any muscles in his head. Fat maybe, but no muscles.

Gilligan:
I'm hexed. I'm hexed.

The Skipper:
What are you gonna do?

Gilligan:
I'm getting the *hex* out of here!

The Professor:
[to Skipper and Gilligan] I would say it was a geological phenomenon caused by volcanic activity beneath the Earth's surface resulting into concentration of heat at a specific location.

Gilligan:
That makes sense to me, but there's one thing I don't understand.

The Professor:
Oh, what's that?

Gilligan:
How come the ground got so hot underneath our feet?

The Professor:
[to Skipper] Simple. Gilligan was digging and he probably sprained a muscle.

The Skipper:
It all started when we took those relics out of the cave, right? So we collect them all, put them back in, and that oughta satisfy whoever's putting this curse on us!

Gilligan:
Yeah, and once they're satisfied, they'll dezombie the Professor!

The Skipper:
'Dezombie'?

Gilligan:
Unzombie... exzombie?

The Skipper:
Well, never mind. Now look, I want you to get over to the girls' hut and collect all the stuff that you gave them. I'll go over to the Howells and collect their stuff.

Gilligan:
Yeah.

The Skipper:
Alright! Come on, on your way! [Gilligan leaves the hut]

The Skipper:
Unzombie? Dezombie? Exzombie? I wonder which one it is.

Gilligan:
[Reentering behind Skipper] DISzombie!

The Skipper:
[Turns around and glares at Gilligan]

Gilligan:
Datzombie?

Thurston Howell III:
[to the Skipper] You're looking very chipper for someone who's cracked his little head wide open.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Have you seen the bruise on that man's head?

Thurston Howell III:
Have you seen the bruise on that tree? Someone should call Smokey the Bear!

Professor Roy Hinkley:
[Gilligan & The Professor are digging a hole to bury the statue of Kona] There. That should be deep enough.

Gilligan:
Make it a little deeper, Professor. I want to put him down so deep he'll get the bends.

Professor Roy Hinkley:
Gilligan, that statue is not getting out of this hole.

Gilligan:
Please make it a little deeper. [the professor digs for a bit more, then puts the statue in the hole]

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
[the Skipper comes along and falls into the hole. He sees what's in the hole with him, jumps out and runs away] Aaah! Kona!

Gilligan:
Hey Skipper! Watch out for that [sharp cracking sound] tree.

Ginger Grant:
[Gilligan & Skipper are collecting natural gas. Ginger arrives and finds Gilligan on the ground, out cold] What happened to Gilligan?

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby:
Oh, I told him there was gas in the bottle, but he didn't believe me, so he uncorked the bottle and took a big sniff... [the Skipper duplicates these actions, then gets a really goofy expression on his face and starts dancing]