Girl Next Door

Eli:
Dude, don't mess this up.

Matthew:
Mess what up?

Eli:
Matt, she's a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast!

Matthew:
Eli, I like this girl.

Eli:
And you can still like her with your penis inside her. Matthew, I tell you that you're going to regret this. What would JFK do? You know he'd tap that ass.

Matthew:
Eli, you're never going to see her again.

Eli:
Oh, you know what? Fine!

Matthew:
Fine!

Eli:
Fine! Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don't f*** her, I'll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please! Matt! F*** her for me! For me!

Eli:
Dude!

Matthew:
I know.

Klitz:
Dude!

Matthew:
I know.

Eli:
Minions!

Eli:
Minions, let's move.

Matthew:
It's not funny.

Danielle:
It's a little funny.

Matthew:
Excuse me.

Matthew:
I'm in so much trouble.

Klitz:
Dude, am I ugly?

Danielle:
Thank you.

Matthew:
For what?

Danielle:
I never went to prom.

April:
Is your name really Klitz?

Klitz:
Yeah, with a K.

Kelly:
You know who's the tits? This guy.

Kelly:
Hey, you know who's got the killer bud?

Kelly:
This f***er right here.

Danielle:
Hi, I'm all wet. Can I come in?

Eli:
Okay, you know what the three of us are? We're a tripod.

Matt:
A tripod?

Eli:
Yes, a tripod. Which means that if you knock out one of our legs, WE-ALL-FALL!

Mrs. Kidman:
Eli, do those girls go to your school?

Eli:
Actually, no, Mrs. Kidman, they're porn stars.

Matthew:
Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically

Matthew:
being a f***ing boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about.

Matthew:
Hey, there's the big daddy!

Dr. Salinger:
Matthew, what has been going on?

Matthew:
Some serious sh*t.

Kelly:
Sometimes in life if you wanna do something good, you gotta do something bad.

Matthew:
Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.

Kelly:
This is politics.

Kelly:
You wanna be president? Lemme tell you the first rule of politics; Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze. You know what that means? It means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept the consequences.

Kelly:
If I'm gonna do this payment plan thing, I need a show of good faith, you know, something concrete.

Matthew:
Well, like what?

Kelly:
A blow job.

Matthew:
Nah, I told you. She's not gonna do that anymore.

Kelly:
Who said anything about her?

Kelly:
Yeah. We're definitely outside the box now, huh? Now you gotta ask yourself, how far are you willing to go, hmm? How much do you really care about her?

Kelly:
I'm joking, man! Relax. Damn! Do I look gay to you?

Kelly:
Stay in school!

Matthew:
I just wanna let you know, I know who you really are, and you're better than this.

Matthew:
What happened?

Klitz:
It got bad.

Eli:
BOLT! BOLT!

Kelly:
Friends don't f*** with each other's business.

Eli:
God, I just wanna bang hot chicks!

Kelly:
Those crazy little f***ers man, they sure know their numbers.

Kelly:
Always leave 'em wanting more.

Eli:
I could make a better sex-ed film with my mom!

Danielle:
Just go with it.

Matthew:
Matthew Kidman. I will always remember... The three legs of the tripod. My business partner. My student advisor. The next Einstein. Eli's calling card. Klitz's big debut. My own scholarship to Georgetown. And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I'm just going with it.

Danielle:
Ooh, boxers.

Matthew:
I always wear boxers. You just caught me on a weird day.

Matthew:
Oh my god, she's so hot.

Eli:
What channel, dude?

Matthew:
Do you have the fever?

Klitz:
No. Why? Do you?

Matthew:
I don't know. Maybe.

Matthew:
'Bout you?

Eli:
I just gotta f*** something.

Kelly:
Let me tell you, Matt, you got some incredible talent here. If I could get these kids, like, humping in the library or at a football game - WOW! Now that sh*t would sell. I don't know where I get my ideas from, you know, it's like a gift or something. It's like I can't control it.

Eli:
SHUT THE F*** UP! Next question.

Ferrari:
I know I lost my virginity at prom. How about you? When did you lose your virginity?

April:
When I was ten.

Ferrari:
Okay, moving on...

Kelly:
Cool ride huh?

Kelly:
Get off!

Matthew:
I just feel so weird...

Danielle:
Shh. Relax. Ecstasy is not that bad.

Matthew:
What?

Danielle:
Kelly likes dosing people with E.

Matthew:
Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?