Grandma's Boy

Alex:
[to children sitting at wedding reception table] So, you can't kill the demon at the end of level six? Do you have the magic arrows? Easy, here's what you do. Hide behind the boulder. When the demon comes out of the cave, shoot him three times with the magic arrows. Then his head will start to spin. Once that happens, you jump up on the boulder, you do a flying downward thrust with the sword of doom, and thats it - level six is done.

Alex:
Oh, oh, oh my God! I'm sorry, I can't stop cumming, I'm sorry! Oh-ho-ho, It feels so good!

Alex:
Jonny...? Who the f*** is Jonny?

Alex:
Hey, JP - That's a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?

Alex:
My grandma drank all my pot.

Alex:
Dude, your bed's a car.

Alex:
At least I have a bush!

Alex:
You can't get stoned and be an accountant, you make too many mistakes, you lose people millions of dollars, you get fired.

Alex:
Dude, you do know that lions eat deer right?

Alex:
Don't judge me monkey!

Alex:
[to J.P. after exiting Samantha's office] You're f***in' weird man.

Alex:
I didn't wanna disturb you....you were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth.

Alex:
Ya I know....west west yo.

Alex:
Don't slit your wrists Kane, I'm here.

Alex:
There was this fire... and I was trying to save it from this baby....

Alex:
Ya it was my roomates.....they're crazy....they tied me up. I was like one of those little calfs at the rodeo, all helpless, and you know right when I was about to call the police....I came....and that felt nice.

Alex:
Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don't know what you are but I'm gonna f***ing eat you too.

Alex:
This is like if Tyson fought an infant.

Alex:
[At Dante as he turns around after answering the door naked] Dude, your ass is tanner than my face.

Jeff:
Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear.

Jeff:
I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in the world right now.

Jeff:
You were a dirty old whore.

Jeff:
My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I can talk to other car beds.

Jeff:
I'll run over your attitude. It sucks.

Jeff:
Line up you f***in' nerds. Who wants a shot at the champ!?

Jeff:
Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

Jeff:
What's goin' on, shitlips?

Jeff:
Whats up Douche Bigelow?

Jeff:
You're dead to me, over.

Jeff:
[sigh] I shoulda' worn a condom.

Jeff:
That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so - you're dumb.

Jeff:
Nice karma, Guy-Blow.

Jeff:
I have to pee out of my ass.

Jeff:
[to Grace] So, I mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean, you saw a lotta stuff go down. World War I, World War II, the automobile, Tupac, i mean... [GRACE: I once gave Charlie Chaplain a hand job] Noo way! Was he silent?

Jeff:
Wassup, Silver Fox?

Jeff:
Oh, I started a fight club.

Jeff:
Your sh*t's weak! Sh*t's weak! Wizzeak!

Jeff:
[To JP as he pases by] Hey, look! It's Bono's brother.

Jeff:
[Alex: Dude, your bed is a CAR] Yea.. but it's a f***ing sweet car!

Jeff:
[Mimicking J.P.] My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina.

Jeff:
Let's do it-The levels I mean, not sex.

Jeff:
What does high score mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?

Jeff:
That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

Jeff:
Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandmother, and her two roomates...Thats like, legendary!

Jeff:
Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to sh*t in a plant?

Jeff:
Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's p*ssy smelled like the Great Depression.

Jeff:
Big news from the party...Barry sucked on his first boobie! (Barry: For thirteen hours!)

Jeff:
Dude, we were just kidding JP. (mimicking JP's Robot voice) Don't be mad at us!

Jeff:
Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Jeff:
Let's f***ing rage!

Jeff:
Who wants to hear about my blowj*b from the World War? Yeah...(said like a news anchor) "A little Hiroshima on my balls".

Jeff:
Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Jeff:
Fruitcup? Nice....way to go Mom!

Jeff:
Hello?...Cool. I hope its a naked dude with a boner.

Jeff:
I love my turtle.

J.P.:
[robot voice] Adiós turd-nuggets.

J.P.:
Oh, yeah... Careful is my middle name, heh - Actually, it's not, it's Philip. [sobs]

J.P.:
How can he see me?

J.P.:
But, underneath this genius...I'm simply a human. You know. But I'm working on that.

J.P.:
Does it scare you Kain?

J.P.:
It's the future of gaming.

J.P.:
You would if you had robot ears.

J.P.:
I want to get you a black cobra just to go around the neck...

J.P.:
[robot voice]I hate your face!

J.P.:
[robot voice] I am not amused.

J.P.:
[robot voice] Please sit on my face.

J.P.:
[robot voice] I want you to drink from my man faucet.

J.P.:
[robot voice] Must ingest more fuel.

J.P.:
[when Alex asks him how his game is going that he is developing] People will bow to it.

J.P.:
[robot voice in dismay] SAMANTHA is f***ing ALEX!

J.P.:
You will never have metal legs.

J.P.:
All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk.

J.P.:
I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

Mr. Cheezle:
It's a wonderful dandelion/nettle blend. Very cleansing. Good for new beginnings.

Mr. Cheezle:
I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean... And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one... ...which meant - good things are coming. Good things.

Mr. Cheezle:
Oh, ok, ok... Fair enough, yeah, rage it up. Rage all you want. Good things are coming. Good things.

Mr. Cheezle:
I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass, until I came upon a dead elk, and I climbed into his soul, and it's there I stayed until morning, which meant I will underestimate someone very close to me.

Lilly:
[playing video game] Uh-uh, wait your turn. I'm on a roll here. Take that - You dirty dopers.

Lilly:
[Responding to Grandpa having a few beers at the party, if he was alive] He would have had twenty! No, he had a problem...

Lilly:
I can hear my hair growing

Lilly:
Who wants some cereal? (yeah Colonel Crackers is the best) Oh I just wish he would hop off the box and hang out with us, I think he's so cute!

Lilly:
(guess I'm not high enough to get that one)" You know what else you're not gonna get, party pooper? The Colonel! Here you go sweetie. (gruff voice) sucks to be you nerd!

Lilly:
You want an ice-cream sandwich? They're on whole wheat with lettuce.

Grace:
I didn't know you were bringing people. I would've trimmed my antlers!

Grace:
That's sweet. Let's see... You're my, uh... I dunno, three-thousand something.

Grace:
I'll give you my grandson's number, he's gay too.

Grace:
Oh, you can stay as long as you like and love any man you choose!

Grace:
Thanks, Alex. Maybe tomorrow you can introduce them to heroin.

Bea:
Thank you, Mr. President.

Bea:
I'm an Antique.

Bea:
Space shuttle.

Bea:
I wanna eat the TV.

Bea:
[laughs and make smile with pills.]

Bea:
Dragonflies?

Dante:
Go monkey! Karate chop the elephant!

Dante:
Oh my God! I am naked... Come on in!

Dante:
Suck those jugs, kid!

Dante:
The phone is for you. I think it's the Devil!

Dante:
Dude, Anyone can get past a dog, nobody f***s with a lion!

Dante:
This isn't brown... I'm bronzed!

Dante:
Hey chill bro, you know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion is here!

Dante:
So I looked up in my tree, and there was the f***in' king of the jungle staring at me. So I called the five-O!

Dante:
It's called the Brown Bomber. It'll get you so stoned you'll sh*t your pants!

Dante:
I'll smoke it with you bro, we'll go to the looney bin together. I don't give a f***!

Dante:
What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?

Dante:
Drive monkey, DRIVE!!!!

Dante:
I'm way too baked to drive to the Devil's house!!!

Dante:
This shits f***in crazy!!!

Dante:
By girlfriend you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick at night?

Dante:
Dude, that party was off the hook kid, your girl can drink her f***in face off!!!!!

Dante:
I got my yellow belt, monkey got his red belt....he's a quick learner!

Dante:
Shut up monkey, I've got company dude!

Dante:
You look like a bag of sh*t. You sure you don't wanna borrow my birthday suit?

Dante:
I feel like Tom Cruise in cocktail!

Dante:
It's tequila! It's supposed to f*** you up!

Shiloh:
Stupid f***ing idiot, red shirted ass.

Shiloh:
Yes it sucks we don't have alcohol, but we do serve shots of wheat grass.

Shiloh:
I know the food doesn't sound good but it tastes good and is good for you.

Shiloh:
You said it wrong stupid, it's Shiloh

Shiloh:
You were sweet

Shiloh:
Welcome to "Our Lady Health" my name's Shiloh and i'll be serving you today.

Shiloh:
Lets make fun of the vegans and their crazy lifestyle....we're not hurting anybody. Go eat a hamburger, and choke on a cow dick!

Josh:
(crying) I love them so much...

Alex:
You love who?

Josh:
The girls at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace.

Alex:
You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?

Josh:
They're not hookers! They're massage therapists.

Big Mover (Kevin Nash):
They'll massage your cock for money.

Other Mover:
There's a word for that; I think it's hooker?

Josh:
YOU'RE A HOOKER!

Alex:
Hey Timmy, can I crash at your house?

Timmy:
Why so you can jerk off on my mom?

Alex:
Jeff's a f***in liar Timmy!

Dante:
That is pure f***ing insanity.

Alex:
Yeah, he got addicted to hookers.

Dante:
No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong kid... EVER!

Alex:
Dont you answer your phone? I've been calling for half an hour.

Dante:
Oh I'm sorry, I was putting up my Christmas tree.

Alex:
Dude, it's July.

Dante:
Get the f*** outta here, it is?!

Alex:
And why are you naked?

Dante:
Oh my God! I am naked! Come on in!

Alex:
Dude, your ass is tanner than my face.

J.P.:
School, [nerdy snicker] I didn't need school. All I ever cared about were video games, and they've made me a millionaire. So, maybe I don't know what the civil war was, or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one - but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk.

Samantha:
Cool.

J.P.:
Yeah. I'm thinking of getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

Dante:
Dude, where do you get your weed?

Mr.Cheezle:
From you Dante!

Dante:
Oh yeah! What's up Mr. Cheezle!

Barry:
Hey Dante, my girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night...

Dante:
Yea? By Girlfriend do you mean that piece of rabbit fur that you rub on your dick every night?

Barry:
[Laughing] ... Yea... [Starts to cry]

Jeff:
What's up Douche Bigalow?

Alex:
Hey Speed Racer. Did you valet your bed?

Jeff:
No, but I'll self park it in your a**hole.

Alex:
Dude, your bed's a car.

Jeff:
Yeah, but it's a f***in' sweet car.

Jeff:
Just keep your voice down, my roomates are sleeping.

Alex:
You mean your parents?

Jeff:
Yeah, same thing.

Alex:
Nice jammies.

Jeff:
Thanks, they're a present from my roommates.

Sex. Drugs. Nakedness. Rude language... And proud of it!

Alex:
[after Yuri says he and Josh are being evicted after not paying rent for six months] No, no. That's impossible. We've never missed a payment. Every month, I give Josh hundreds of dollars of my money, and then he writes you a rent check. [to Josh] Right, Josh?

Josh:
[sniffling] I love them so much.

Alex:
[confused] You love who?

Josh:
[sniffling] The girls at Madame Kamay's Filipino Palace.

Alex:
[in disbelief] You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?

Josh:
They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.

Big Mover [Kevin Nash]:
They'll massage your cock for money.

Other Mover:
There's a word for that; I think it's hooker?

Josh:
YOU'RE A HOOKER!

[movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh, as if saying "What did you call us?!"]

Alex:
Whoa, wait.

Yuri:
Listen, Alex. I make you a special deal, huh? I give you five minutes to pack up all your sh*t you don't want thrown away, and if you take one extra minute, I have my two friends, they take your testicles, and remove them through your anus.

Alex:
Ooh, dinner time. Oh, F***! Damn! Cocksucking f***er ass f***! Ohhh! God damn it!

Mr. Cheezle:
Later you guys!

Bea:
[laughs and make smile with pills.]