Green Screen Show

Jeff Bryan Davis:
[playing one-syllable words "At the Racetrack"] Why would you put a sick horse in the race?

Colin Mochrie:
I need... dough. If he was not in the race I would get no dough!

Colin Mochrie:
[playing New Choice "How to Box"] Endurance is very important.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
New choice.

Colin Mochrie:
Running away from your opponent is very important. That's why I train with a skipping rope.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
New choice.

Colin Mochrie:
That's why I use a unicycle.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
New choice.

Colin Mochrie:
That's why... I... stand and think about what great shape I'm in...

Brad Sherwood:
[playing New Choice "How to Box"] It's important to wear slimming boxer shorts so it don't look like you got a BIG keister

Jeff Bryan Davis:
French Fry Kid stepped through the door. Strode... Stridently.

Chip Esten:
What a strident stroder you are, he said to him.

Colin Mochrie:
Strodent, really.

[New Choice]

Jeff Bryan Davis:
I brought you to Tahiti because only in Tahiti, there's no telling what we're about to do. We're about to battle to the death.

Jonathan Mangum:
With swords?

Greg Proops:
New choice!

Jonathan Mangum:
With... knives shaped like swords?

Greg Proops:
New choice!

Jonathan Mangum:
With... tired monkeys?

[after "Moving People," where audience member Tony has moved Greg way too much]

Drew Carey:
Anybody have any questions while we're stopped for a while?

Greg Proops:
Yeah, yeah. Is that guy on a work furlough program? 'Cause he seems not to have had human contact in quite some time. Hey, could that guy come out and beat the sh*t out of me for a while longer? That was great.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
Kids, those are show business terms.

Greg Proops:
Oh, are there children here? Terrific.

Drew Carey:
Yeah, right in the center.

Greg Proops:
Have you seen a grown man fondle another grown man that much? I love the feeling of a man's hands all over my body. I don't when I've ever felt that manipulated. Now you know how Pinocchio felt. That was no Pleasure Island, my friend. Have you ever had your floating rib manipulated up and down? Reminds me of how I got on the show, Drew!

Drew Carey:
I know my wife is dead, but what about my toaster?

Colin Mochrie:
You... *are* the toaster.

Drew Carey:
Goo-goo-ga-joob!

Colin Mochrie:
[Colin almost forgets to use one-syllable words] Hi ho... horse!

[Greg is waterskiing on Brad's boat]

Brad Sherwood:
Shark!

[Greg hops over the shark]

Brad Sherwood:
Two sharks!

[Greg lets the sharks swim between his legs]

[phone rings]

Brad Sherwood:
Hello? Oh - it's my loan shark!

[Colin performs the Mystery Interpretive Dance with bleach]

Chip Esten:
[buzzes in] I would like to challenge him to do it again at double speed!

Drew Carey:
[buzzes in] I would like to challenge him to do it in slow motion!

Colin Mochrie:
I'd like to invoke the group dance!

[Styles; Topic:
"Underwear"]

Jeff Bryan Davis:
What are you doing in my room?

Chip Esten:
What are you doing in my underwear?

[sound effects - in an airport]

Brad Sherwood:
I was wondering if you could take a look at this luggage belt, it seems to be broken. Look what happens when I turn it on [he turns it on]

Audience member:
bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap...

Brad Sherwood:
We tried replacing the motor with a Pac-Man. It didn't really work... it takes little bites out of the suitcases.

[New Choice]

Jeff Bryan Davis:
In case it gets messy, I'm going to put on my goggles.

Brad Sherwood:
New choice.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
I'm going to put on a tutu and dance.

Brad Sherwood:
New choice.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
I'm going to put on a new accent. He, como estas?

Brad Sherwood:
Old choice.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
I'm going back to the tutu.

[New Choice, "How to Have a Baby"]

Brad Sherwood:
Can I make you a snack, honey?

Colin Mochrie:
Please, dear.

Brad Sherwood:
What would you like?

Colin Mochrie:
Anything you can give me.

Brad Sherwood:
All right, I'll give you some peanut butter and sardines.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
New choice!

Brad Sherwood:
I will give you some lovely little saltine crackers stacked high, with pieces of salami and jujubes.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
New choice!

Brad Sherwood:
I'm just gonna give you some of these gelatinous little bears - brand name which I'm not going to mention - and I'm going to lightly salt them with some paprika.

Jeff Bryan Davis:
New choice!

Brad Sherwood:
This is something I found in the backyard, and it looks pretty fresh.

Drew Carey:
["Lines" on a Zepplin] If I could write a poem about you, the first line would be...

Drew Carey:
[pulls out a line] My mind is a blank.

Drew Carey:
My mind is a blank, yet I still go to the bank. Imagine what a stank that is...

Julie Larson:
Oh, those are the most beautiful words I've ever heard.

Drew Carey:
Yeah, I'll bet!

Jonathan Mangum:
[One Syllable Word at a Vet's Office] Your dog is... with pups!

Brad Sherwood:
But he's a male dog!

Jonathan Mangum:
I don't think so!

Brad Sherwood:
He's a great DAME!

Brad Sherwood:
[One Syllable Word in a Vet's Office] I can hear his heartbeat... [audience Buzzes] Wha?

Drew Carey:
Heartbeat!

Brad Sherwood:
CRAP!