Gremlins

Deputy Brent:
Let me drive.

Sheriff Frank:
No, you're drunk.

Deputy Brent:
You always get to drive.

Sheriff Frank:
That's cause I'm the sheriff, a**hole.

Gizmo:
Bye Billy.

Gizmo:
Bright light. Bright light.

Stripe:
Water... Gun.

Mr. Corben:
What is that dog doing in here?

Gerald:
Peltzer, this is a bank, not a pet-store.

Mr. Corben:
Very good, Gerald.

Gerald:
Thank you, Mr. Corbin.

Stripe:
Gizmo Caca.

Gizmo:
Uh oh.

Billy Peltzer:
Cover your mouth. Don't breathe any gas.

Pete:
One, two, three, four, five new ones. NOW can I have one?

Billy Peltzer:
I don't know, Pete.

Pete:
Hey, look! That one's got a cute little stripe on its head. Hey, cutie.

Kate:
What're they doing?

Billy Peltzer:
They're watching Snow White. And they love it.

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor:
Goddamn foreign cars.

Kate:
Will you sign this petition? They're trying to close Dorie's Tavern.

Billy Peltzer:
Sure. That's where my dad proposed to my mom, you know.

Kate:
That's where everyone's dad proposed to their mom.

Stripe:
Yum?

Stripe:
AH. Yum. Yum.

Sheriff Frank:
Tell me something Billy. How come a cute little guy like this can turn into a thousand ugly monsters?

Billy Peltzer:
Well you see this is before it enters the pupal stage.

Deputy Brent:
The pupal stage?

Billy Peltzer:
Yeah right. Plus it multiplies with water.

Deputy Brent:
Aw Christ.

Sheriff Frank:
Brent give the kid some water.

Billy Peltzer:
I wouldn't do that Sheriff

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor:
Goddamn foreign TV. I told ya we should've got a Zenith.

Ruby Deagle:
I want your dog.

Billy Peltzer:
Barney?

Ruby Deagle:
Give him to me. I'll take him to the kennel, they'll put him to sleep. It will be quick and painless compared to what I would do to him.

Billy Peltzer:
What could you do?

Ruby Deagle:
I'll catch the beast myself. He'll get what he deserves, a slow painful death.Maybe I'll put him in my spin-drier on high heat.

Mr. Anderson:
That would do it all right!

Ruby Deagle:
Mrs Harris what are you trying to tell me?

Mrs. Joe Harris:
I'm afraid none of us can pay for two weeks. Couldn't you just get Mr.Corbin to just give us a little more time?

Ruby Deagle:
Mrs Harris, the bank and I have the same purpose in life - to make money. Not to support a lot of... deadbeats!

Mrs. Joe Harris:
Mrs Deagle! It's Christmas!

Ruby Deagle:
Well now you know what to ask Santa for, don't you?

Billy Peltzer:
They're Inside.

Kate:
All Of Them?

Lynn Peltzer:
Get Out Of My Kitchen!

Gerald:
If it isn't Captain Clip-On. Guess who almost signed for umemployment today?

Billy Peltzer:
I give up.

Gerald:
You... But Mr. Corbin had second thoughts. He guess so sentimental around the holidays.

Billy Peltzer:
Imagine that.

Gerald:
If it was up to me, I would of fired you in a second.

Billy Peltzer:
Well, a merry christmas to you too.

Randall Peltzer:
Rand Peltzer, Fantastic ideas for a Fantastic World, I make the illogical logical.

Randall Peltzer:
[after seeing the Mogwai] I've got to have him! He's incredible. I'll give you $100 for it.

Mr. Wing:
No.

Randall Peltzer:
Look, I've got to have it. It's a present for my son for Christmas. It's exactly what I've been looking for and I've been everywhere. I'll give you $200 for it. That's $200!

Mr. Wing:
I'm sorry. Mogwai not for sale.

Randall Peltzer:
I thought you said everything at your grandfather's store was for sale.

Chinese Boy:
Grandfather!

Mr. Wing:
With Mogwai comes much responsibility. I cannot sell him at any price.

Gerald:
If it isn't Captain Clip-on! Guess who almost filed for unemployment today?

Billy:
I give up.

Gerald:
You! But Mr. Corben had other ideas. He gets so sentimental around the holidays. I would've fired you in a heartbeat.

Billy:
And a merry Christmas to you too. Excuse me, Mr. Jones.

Randall Peltzer:
Billy, you're familiar with the Bathroom Buddy? I have made an improvement. Now, let's say, you're about to walk into a big meeting. It's very important. You reach up and you forgot to shave. Now what do you do? Under normal circumstances, you are in trouble! But not if you have the Bathroom Buddy. Now watch [produces a shaver] Voila! What do you think?

Billy Peltzer:
That's pretty neat. What does this button do?

Randall Peltzer:
No, don't touch it!

[Billy sprays shaving cream in his father's face]

Billy Peltzer:
Sorry dad.

Randall Peltzer:
No, it's okay.

Billy Peltzer:
No, I'm really sorry.

Randall Peltzer:
It's not your fault. I was going to get to that. I'll fix it tomorrow.

Murry Futterman:
[drunk, looking inside his car] Gremlins... [turning to Billy and Kate] You got-you gotta watch out for them forgeiners cuz they plant gremlins in their machinery. [climbs inside the car] It's the same gremlins that brought down our planes in the big one.

Kate:
[laughing] The big one...

Murry Futterman:
[turning round] That's right! World War Two! [salutes] Good old WWII. [tries to start his car] Y'know, they're still shippin' 'em over here... They put 'em in cars, they put 'em in yer TV, they put 'em in stereos and those little radios you stick in your ears. They even put 'em in watches, they have teeny gremlins for our watches!

Sheriff Frank:
Gremlins, huh?

Billy:
Yes.

Sheriff Frank:
Little monsters?

Billy:
Right.

Sheriff Frank:
Hundreds of them?

Billy:
I don't know, maybe thousands. Look, I know it sounds crazy. I know it does, but in a matter of hours, this town's going to become a major disaster area! You have got to warn people!

Sheriff Frank:
You think the kid is drunk?

Deputy Brent:
No, but you are!

Sheriff Frank:
Tell me something, Billy. How does a cute little creature like this turn into a thousand ugly monsters?

Billy:
Well, this is before it enters the pupal stage.

Deputy Brent:
The pupal stage?

Billy:
Yeah, right. Plus it multiplies with water.

Deputy Brent:
Aw, Christ!

Sheriff Frank:
Brent, why don't you give the kid some water?

Billy:
I wouldn't do that, sheriff.

[The phone rings. The sheriff answers it]

Sheriff Frank:
Sheriff's office. Yeah, speaking... What?... Oh no... Yeah, we'll be right over.

Deputy Brent:
Who was that?

Sheriff Frank:
The Futtermans. Something about a snowplow, a freak accident...

Billy:
It's the creatures! The creatures are making it look like an accident! Sheriff! WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!

Sherriff Frank:
You listen to me, kid! Go on home, take little Gizmo, sit by the fire and open your Christmas presents, okay? Atta boy!

Deputy Brent [as he and Frank leave] Let me drive.

Sheriff Frank No, you're drunk.

Deputy Brent You always get to drive!

Sheriff Frank Cause I'm the sheriff, a**hole!

Sheriff Frank My god, Frye, that was Mrs. Deagle.

[A gremlin under the police car pulls out the brake wire from the car. Meanwhile a Santa Claus comes out of his house attacked by gremlins.]

Deputy Brent Jesus Frank, that's Dave Morris! He does Santa every year!

Sheriff Frank Yeah, but what the hell is he doing now? What's that stuff he's got all over him?!

Kate:
Now I have another reason to hate Christmas.

Billy Peltzer:
Kate, what are you talking about?

Kate:
The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were, were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. Couple hours went by, Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So, the police began a search. 4 or 5 days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so, I went to try to light up the fire. And that's when I noticed the smell. Firemen came and broke through the chimney top, and me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird, and instead, they pulled out my father. [Gizmo gasps in shock] He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney on Christmas Eve, his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck, died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.

[Peltzer residence. Entire Peltzer family, as well as Kate, are surprised to see Mr. Wing, who seems upset with Mr. Peltzer for taking the mogwai lightly (but likely angrier with his grandson for selling Gizmo behind his back). He refunds the $200. Gizmo is watching news footage with family.]

Randall Peltzer:
Honey, this is the gentleman who sold me the Mogwai.

Mr. Wing:
"Sold". An interesting choice of words. You have taught Mogwai to watch television?! I warned you - with Mogwai comes much responsibility. But you didn't listen! And you see what happens?

[Mr. Wing motions towards TV, which shows the Marine Reserve in Kingston Falls aiding refugees and containing the carnage the Gremlins have caused.]

Randall Peltzer:
Hey look, I didn't mean it.

Mr. Wing:
You deal with Mogwai just like your society deals with all of nature's gifts! You do not understand! You are not ready.

[Gizmo gets in carrier and Mr. Wing prepares to leave Peltzer residence to return to his shop in Chinatown.]

[Gizmo makes sounds, and Mr. Wing responds in Chinese. He motions to Billy.]

Mr. Wing:
He has something to say to you.

Billy Peltzer:
You mean you understand what he's saying?

Mr. Wing:
To hear, one has only to listen.

Gizmo:
Bye Billy!

Mr. Wing:
[to Billy, smiling] Perhaps one day, you will be ready. Until then, Mogwai will be waiting.

Randall Peltzer:
Sir, before you go, I want you to know I am truly sorry for all this. I want to offer you this. There's one. There's one other one but it's an invention of mine.

Mr. Wing:
Ah, smokeless ashtray.

Randall Peltzer:
How did you know?

Mr. Wing:
Man at gas station try to sell me. Latest word in technology. Very generous of you. I'm sure it will come in handy.

[Mr. Wing begins walking back to Chinatown. Gizmo emerges from his carrier one last time to say goodbye to Barney.]

Gizmo:
Bye bye, bark bark woof woof.

Randall Peltzer:
[seeing a dying Stripe] What the hell is that?!

Randall Peltzer:
[last lines; narrating] Well, that's the story. So the next time your air-conditioner goes on the fritz, or your washing machine blows up, or your video recorder conks out, before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights. Check all the closets and cupboards. Look under all the beds. 'Cause you never can tell. There just might be a gremlin in your house.

Chinese Boy:
Keep him out of the light. He hates bright light. Especially sunlight - it'll kill him. And keep him away from water. Don't get him wet. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget - no matter how much he cries, or how much he begs, never, never feed him after midnight.

Lynn Peltzer:
GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!

Rockin' Ricky Rialto:
[as Pete tries to tell him about the Gremlins] Kid, this is Christmas, not Halloween! Listen, gang. Rockin' Ricky's getting fed up with all this Orson Welles crap, so cool it, will ya?! [crashing is heard] What's that? Kitty, what's that, I said? Some of Rockin' Ricky's fans? [a Gremlin is heard cackling] Hey, you're not a Rockin' Ricky fan! [screams]

Rocking Ricky Rialto:
Hey, gang, It's been a rough night for Rockin' Ricky, but he's still on the air!