Grounded for Life

Henry Finnerty:
Wow, that ride must be really scary. Those two guys are holding hands!

James "Jimmy" Finnerty:
That's the line for cotton candy.

Sean:
[Finding a box belonging to Eddie] Is it illegal?

Eddie:
Not everywhere.

Sean:
Will it explode and kill us all?

Eddie:
I can personally guarantee that it will not. [Sean shakes it] That's not smart.

Walt:
Three juice boxes for six kids? It's gonna be like Lord of the Flies out there.

Sean:
Why are you answering questions with questions?

Eddie:
Why does that concern you?

Claudia:
I'm sure it was an emergency. It was an emergency, wasn't it?

Lily:
It sort of, kinda was.

Walt:
Well you are sort of, kinda dead.

Sean:
[Finding a box belonging to Eddie] What's this?

Eddie:
It's cool.

Sean:
"It's cool" doesn't answer my question. "It's cool" doesn't tell me what's in the box.

Eddie:
Yes it does. It tells you it's cool.

Sean:
Hello, Rochelle? No, I do not want to give you my account number and I shall tell you why: because I have already keyed it in three times and given it to several different people including a Beth, a Jos?, and someone who was really rude to me named Kevin. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we are SICK of having to call something in and key in the number and then being asked what the number was we keyed in before! All right? So why don't you get a piece of paper - have you heard of that? And a pen AND WRITE THE DAMN NUMBERS DOWN!

Sean:
Claude, I've got to hand it to you. You were right.

Claudia:
Shut up.

Sean:
[Sarcastically] No, no, no, I'm just glad she had that credit card for when she needed it.

Claudia:
[Angrily] Shut up!

Sean:
[Sarcastically] Oh I'm just so happy my little baby is okay. That's all that matters!

Claudia:
It's now time for you to SHUT UP!

Eddie:
Maybe I'll stop by tomorrow. Maybe not.

Claudia:
Tomorrow I'm changing the locks.

Sean:
Again?

Eddie:
What name do you want on the card?

Sean:
I want my name.

Eddie:
No, it says your name is not available.

Claudia:
You know how you're getting your license next year? You're not.

Lily:
But everyone else will and I'll look like a loser.

Sean:
Oh no, don't worry, you're gonna look cool because everyday I'm going to drive you to school in the Futon-mobile!

Lily:
I'm going over to Dean's.

Claudia:
Okay, cool. Before you go, you're going to scrub all the puke out of the back of your grandfather's car.

Lily:
But then I'll smell like puke.

Claudia:
You know what? I don't give a glis.

Perry:
I don't wanna go!

Walt:
Oh, you're going.

Claudia:
You were ambushed by elves?

Sean:
Yeah, yeah. Santa's elves. The fat bastard sicked them on me.

Claudia:
But your dad is Santa.

Sean:
Yeah, and he's a fat bastard.

Eddie:
Fortune favors the bold, my friend. [sees the Christmas tree in the hospital] Bingo.

James "Jimmy" Finnerty:
That's a hospital.

Eddie:
And this is an emergency.

Sean:
Only three more years.

Claudia:
'Till she goes off to college?

Sean:
Nope. 'Till she can be tried as an adult.

Old Patient:
Why are you taking our Christmas tree?

Eddie:
There's a light broke. I'm taking it to my work shop. I'm gonna bring it there and I'm gonna bring it back here. So why don't you go back to bed and have a good night. [Pushes him into the elevator]

Old Patient:
But this is my floor.

Henry:
It's Santa! He really did come.

Sean:
[Dressed as Santa] Ho ho ho. [His bag breaks and presents fall to the floor] Oh crap!

Henry:
Mom, why did Santa just use a swear word?

Young Sean:
Dad, can I have an Evel Knieval stunt cycle for Christmas?

Walt:
No. You are not getting Evel Knieval. You're getting pants and a yo-yo. And you better act surprised!

Eddie:
[Back to present day] I remember that Christmas. I got a dictionary and a vest.

Sean:
At least you didn't get beamed with a yo-yo for not acting surprised.

Sean:
[playing Joseph in Christmas play] Behold! Can the people in the back behold? Can the people in the front please make room for those in the back who have difficulty beholding?

Salesman:
How can I put you in a pre-owned vehicle today?

Claudia:
We're looking for something used...

Salesman:
We have one of the largest selections of pre-owned vehicles in the tri-state area.

Sean:
So they're used?

Salesman:
Sir, our selection does not just include the pre-owned, we also have a large number of lease returns. I can assure you the pre-owned and the lease returns are complete certified.

Sean:
How am I gonna get you to say "used"?

Salesman:
That's not a word we like here.

Sean:
Then at least admit they're cars.

Salesman:
You mean the vehicles?

Eddie:
Why's the volume so loud?

Sean:
Oh, Claudia lied to me, so I'm being an ass.

Lily:
I really am a bad big sister. I'm selfish, I'm needy, I'm a bad listener...

James "Jimmy" Finnerty:
Well...

Lily:
[interrupting] Let me finish!

Eddie:
What are you doing?

Sean:
[sitting in a lawn chair in front of his car, which has its hood up, and tools are scattered around him, he pries open a beer bottle with a wrench] Fixing the car.

Sean:
Ooh, an armoire.

Claudia:
That's what they call it.

Sean:
[in French accent] Oh, then we should buy this "armoire"' and put it in the "boudoir" next to the "toilette". Ooh-la-la.

Sean:
Is that Aunt Marie? Tell her I still have that awful hair that makes me look like a drug dealer.

Claudia:
You torpedoed Lily on her driving test!

Sean:
I torpedoed her out of love!

Lily:
[Coming up behind him] You torpedoed me?

Sean:
No, I didn't, your mother misspoke.

Lily:
[Screams and storms inside]

Sean:
[to Claudia] Is that what you want behind the wheel of a car?

Claudia:
Gee, Lil, it was real sweet of Aunt Deadra to call us all the way from dead.

[repeated scream]

Lily:
Ohhh-oh!

[repeated line]

Lily:
I'm going over to [one of her friend's place] .

Lily:
Do you realize what you've done? You have literally pushed me off a cliff. You have literally pushed me to my death. I am literally dead thanks to you.

Sean:
Me? Look, I'm not the one who chose to hook up with the Beastie Boys for an out-of-state drinking binge!

Lily:
That is so unfair! I only had one drink. Everyone else had, like, five.

Sean:
Good. Then you were sober compared to the boy who was going to drive you home to your CERTAIN DEATH.

Lily:
You are so embarrassing! I am literally dying of embarrassment!

Sean:
You know, I really wish you would look up the word literally because - [Lily screams and storms off]

Henry Finnerty:
What does porno mean?

Sean:
It means bad Henry, very bad.

Henry Finnerty:
If uncle Eddie can't come to my birthday, then that's going to be porno.

Henry Finnerty:
[to Claudia] You made uncle Eddie go away, now I'm going to have a porno birthday.

Lily:
This is why I don't tell you things- because you overreact.

Sean:
Oh, no, I am not overreacting. The appropriate reaction would be to swing you around by your hair!

Walt:
Let's go have a talk with your old man.

Brad:
He's gonna kick my ass!

Walt:
That salad shooter? He doesn't have the stones.

Brad:
I don't know what that means.

Walt:
I'll explain it on the way.

Lily Finnerty:
You want to know why they call them jumpers? Follow me up to the roof and I'll show you.

[Lily's on the couch when the doorbell rings]

Lily Finnerty:
Doorbell!

[no answer]

Lily Finnerty:
Somebody's at the door.

[no answer]

Lily Finnerty:
Is somebody going to get that?

[no answer]

Lily Finnerty:
Hey!

[still no answer]

Lily Finnerty:
HEY!

[after a beat]

Sean Finnerty:
[off screen] Get your lazy butt up and answer the damn door!

Eddie:
[at a Christmas tree lot] No you don't. No... You... Don't. Sorry, folks, it's too late. We're closed.

Man:
Can't we just buy that last tree?

Eddie:
On Christmas eve? Sorry, folks, you can't wait until now to get a tree, all right? This one has been promised to the Lieutenant Governor. That's right, and you better get out of here, because if he sees you eyeballing his tree... I'm just saying...

Warren:
What's going on?

Eddie:
It's okay, Steve, I got this one.

Warren:
My name is Warren. Who the hell are you?

Eddie:
Warren, it's 5:00. You're closed. Take the sign down.

Warren:
I close at 6:00.

Eddie:
[after pause] I wanna talk to Steve.

Eddie:
[about the statue of liberty] During the French and Indian War they pretended it was a gift, and when we accepted it, French soldiers jumped out of it and kicked our ass.

Sean:
[he, Eddie, and Jimmy and climbing hundreds of stairs inside the Statue of Liberty] Come on Eddie!

Eddie:
I'm dead! You killed me!

Lily:
[to father] Why don't you go to the bathroom and flush your face in the toilet?

Lily Finnerty:
Hey guys, does anybody have the bio notes I can copy?

Suzy:
Uh oh, are you gonna beat us up for them? [they all laugh]

Lily Finnerty:
What?

Suzy:
Oh, I forgot. You only beat up eleven year olds, don't you? [they all laugh again]

Henry Finnerty:
What are you guys doing?

Lily:
I thought we were friends.

Claudia:
Friends don't let friends drive naked!

Sean:
[With his guitar] Well, any special request, kids?

Henry's Friends:
[They all start to scream songs for little children]

Sean:
Uhm... Did any of you say "Iron Man"?

Lily:
From now on I am going to associate sex with having fried food hurled at me!

Claudia Finnerty:
You just need to decide what's more important. Alright? Making Dean miserable or making Brad happy.

Lily Finnerty:
I just wish I could do both.

Claudia Finnerty:
Yeh, right now, you're doing neither.

Lily Finnerty:
I know. Poor Brad. You don't think he'd ever actually dump me, do ya?

Claudia Finnerty:
Maybe. I mean, c'mon. There's only so much abuse a guy can take before he walks.

Lily Finnerty:
Even Brad ?

Claudia Finnerty:
Even Brad.

Lily Finnerty:
Brad, I'm sorry.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
Well, that's it?

Lily Finnerty:
I'm really sorry.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
Oh, so if you just add 'really' that makes a world of difference.

Lily Finnerty:
Well, I, uh...

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
No, no. I know. You thought I'd say fine, like I always say fine. You do something horrible. You say sorry. I say fine and then we go back to the way it's always been. It's not enough this time.

Lily Finnerty:
What can I do?

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
You can treat me like I deserve to be treated. Listen, I know I'm not the coolest guy in the world. I know I'm not the smoothest guy, or the tallest guy, but I want you to treat me like I am all those things.

Lily Finnerty:
You want me to treat you like you're the tallest guy in the world.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
Lily, you know what I mean.

Lily Finnerty:
But, you're not the tallest guy. I mean that's a fact.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
I know, but in your eyes, I want to be seven feet tall.

Lily Finnerty:
Fine. Still wouldn't be the tallest guy in the world, though.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
I just... I just want to be the one who matters the most.

Lily Finnerty:
You do, Brad. If I've taken you for granted... it's because I'm an idiot. But it won't happen again. Because I love you.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
You do ?

Lily Finnerty:
Course. What did you think ?

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
One, you've never said it.

Lily Finnerty:
Sure I have.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
No, no. I've said it. And you've agreed, You said "ah-huh", and "all right then". And "we're going to be late". But you've never actually said the words.

Lily Finnerty:
Well, I have now.

Bradley 'Brad' O'Keefe:
All right then.

Sean:
I see and like, he said, "Oh my God, did you say glis?" And they're all like, "We all heard you say 'glis'" and, uh, I'm like, what the hell happened with my credit card?

Sean:
Fine, put me on hold. I love listening to the "Music to Kill Yourself By" collection.

Sean:
What's the matter to you, hey! Why you looking so sad, hey! It's not so bad, hey! Your uncle's in the mob!

Lily:
It is phiyically impossible for anyone to be that positive. And if they were, I would not want to be on a plane with them, for 10 hours to JAPAN! Exlamation point!