Grumpier Old Men

Grandpa:
Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Melanie:
Really?

Grandpa:
Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.

Maria:
I haven't been with a man for a long time

Max Goldman:
Me neither.

Max:
I am the gangster of love

John:
Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?

Max:
Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

John Gustafson:
Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.

Grandpa Gustafson:
Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.

Max Goldman:
I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.

Max:
Eat my shorts.

Mama Ragetti:
We could have retired in Hawaii.

Grandpa Gustafson:
I have been to Hawaii.

Mama Ragetti:
Oh yeah? Which island?

Grandpa Gustafson:
Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya.

Mama Ragetti:
I find you disgusting.

Grandpa Gustafson:
Well, just as long as you find me.

Geraldo:
"Lesbian Bandits" next on "Geraldo"

Max:
Ooooh Lesbians yummy.

John:
Nobody slept with anybody.'

Grandpa Gustafson:
Speak for yourself.

Max:
I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

John:
He was always very fond of you, Max.

Max:
He was a good man.

John:
The best.

Max:
You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.

John:
And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

Max:
Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

John:
He deserves Melanie.

Max:
Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

John:
You wanna get drunk?

Max:
Yeah.

Max:
If I die today, I die a happy man.

John:
You die today, I'm taking your motor.

Max Goldman:
You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.

John Gustafson:
This milk has chunks in it.

Max Goldman:
What's your point?

John Gustafson:
Here, drop anchor.

Max Goldman:
You cut the anchor you dumb ass.

John Gustafson:
Alright, then grab the net.

Max Goldman:
You cut that too you dick head.

John Gustafson:
I am going down and apologizing to Maria.

Max Goldman:
You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.

John Gustafson:
Yeah, yeah.

Max Goldman:
Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.

Max Goldman:
Smells alright to me.

Max Goldman:
Why don't you do the world a favor? Pull your lip over your head and swallow.

John Gustafson:
You won't even know I'm here.

Max Goldman:
That's because you won't be here.

Max Goldman:
If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

The only thing in life you regret are the risks you didn't take