Guess Who

Theresa:
I was just showing Simon around the house.

Simon Green:
You have a very nice house, Mrs. Jones.

Marilyn:
Thank you. You can call me Marilyn.

Simon Green:
You too, Mr. Jones.

Percy:
You can call me Mr. Jones.

Simon:
[reeling off "black" jokes] Why can't black people listen to country music?

Keisha:
Why?

Simon:
Because every time they say "hoedown", they think their sister got shot!

Simon:
[after telling a series of black jokes, family laughing] What are three things a black guy can't get? A black eye, a fat lip and a job.

[laughing stops]

Howard:
I tell you. I'm going to kick that boy's ass!

Howard:
You didn't tell me he was white!

Percy:
Yes, I did. Back at the retirement home.

Howard:
I thought you was kidding.

Howard:
You don't hear me calling no white folks honky and flat-ass!

Percy:
Casper.

Howard:
Cracker.

Percy:
Ofay.

Howard:
Peckerwood.

Percy:
Wonder bread.

Howard:
Bird sh*t.

Percy:
Bird sh*t?

Howard:
Well, it's almost white.

Percy:
If you're going to marry one of these women, sometimes it's going to hurt like hell. And all you can do is admit that you're wrong and know that she's always right.

Simon:
She's right?

Percy:
That's right.

Simon:
Always?

Percy:
Right.

Simon:
Right?

Percy:
That's right.

Simon:
All right, okay. What about all that talk about my dignity?

Percy:
Do you love her? Do you want her? Then she's always right.

Simon:
[to Theresa] I want to see your sexy body go BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

Kimbra:
Did he just say bump, bump, bump?

Naomi:
Yes he did, and it's Percy Jones' fault!

Simon:
[on the phone, leaving a message] Babe, you're acting like I have cheated on you, and I have never cheated on you. Except for that one time, with myself, and you caught me.

Simon:
That's just it, she's everything I'm not. You know, she's my other half. Without her, I'm not whole. You know the thing about meeting your other half is you're walking around, you think you're happy, you think you're whole, then you realize you ain't sh*t without her. Then you can't go back to being just a half because you know what it's like to be whole.

Percy:
I don't want to hear about you sleeping with my daughter. You're sleeping with me now.