Ha-Kochavim Shel Shlomi

[the students are taking a math test]

Tehila:
[to Shlomi] Stop looking at me.

Tehila:
[to Mr. Yaish] Shlomi the geek is looking at me.

Bagin Yaish:
Don't look at her. Concentrate on your test.

Gil:
[sitting behind Shlomi] Shh.

Bagin Yaish:
[to the class] Who shushed me? Did you shush me? You'd better watch it. I may be new but I can kick ass. No one shushes me.

Tehila:
[to Mr. Yaish] He's still looking...

Bagin Yaish:
[to Tehila] Shh!

[Lines that appear several times in the film, slightly varied and from differing characters]

Doron Bar-Dayan:
Don't worry. She'll come back on all fours.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
On all fours? What is she, a cat?

Doron Bar-Dayan:
Fine. If you don't wanna learn form your big brother, no problem. Stay a virgin.

Doron Bar-Dayan:
Tell me what she said.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
She asked if we're brothers and said we didn't look alike, that I'm better looking or something. What's so funny?

Doron Bar-Dayan:
You may be better looking, but I have a huge dick.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
He nearly chopped off my finger. How can I go to work with a chopped off finger?

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Did you have the geography test today?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
Math.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Did you do good?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
No.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Never mind.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
They'll end up kicking me out.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Oh, no, they won't. I'll make a scene they'll never forget. You were such a whiz kid when you were little. You knew the whole multiplication table by heart. The minute you started school you turned into a dummy.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
Mom, cut it out.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Just finish high school so you'll be like everyone else, go to the army, work at a restaurant, and one day you'll have your own. You don't have to be a genius to be a cook. Look at what's-his-name on TV, that cook.

Robert Bar-Dayan:
Tell her I'm dying.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Tell him if he doesn't beat it, I'm calling the police.

Robert Bar-Dayan:
I was at the doctor's.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
He can drop dead. I won't come to his funeral even if he sends me a limo.

Robert Bar-Dayan:
How can I send one if I'm dead. A guy's dead and she wants me to send a limo.

Tehila:
Why didn't you come to the party yesterday? We had an orgy. There was loads of "upgrading."

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
[to Ruhama in reference to Doron] He takes money from Shlomi without asking.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
[busy getting ready for work] He'll pay him back.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
He never pays him back. I do!

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Then everything's all right, right?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Shlomi's your son, too, not only Doron.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Do me a favor and butt out.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
You discriminate between them. All that talk about his kidneys. He's been healthy for five years now. Enough of your excuses, Ruhama.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Bardavan, I have a double-shift today, so don't bug me. I'm warning you.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
What'll you do? Throw me out like you did to Robert? Don't forget, this is MY house! You may be my daughter-in-law - and I love you like a daughter - but there's a limit to every limit.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
What?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
There's a limit to every limit.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
What does THAT mean?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
That there's a limit to every limit.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Stop it!

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Don't yell at me! I was yelled at enough in my life!

Teacher Tzvia:
Shlomi? You want to know how he is in school? He's good in sports. He tries hard. On occasion he makes a brilliant remark in literature but he can never explain it. At times he does surprisingly well on multiple choice tests but we don't know if he guessed or cheated.

Headmaster Avihu:
Why hasn't he been kicked out? He's failing all his classes.

Teacher Tzvia:
Because he doesn't bother anyone.

Robert Bar-Dayan:
And how's Grandmpa? Does he ask about me?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
No.

Robert Bar-Dayan:
See? He'll be sorry for siding with his daughter-in-law instead of his son. Do I deserve this? What did I do?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
You cheated on Mom.

Robert Bar-Dayan:
Don't talk to me like that, Shlomi. I'm sensitive.

Robert Bar-Dayan:
[explaining his act of infidelity] It wasn't me, Shlomi, it was my dick. He has a mind of his own, goddamn him. You'll understand when you grow up.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Where are your parents?

Rona:
At their house.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Why aren't you with them?

Rona:
I left two years ago.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Why?

Rona:
They got on my nerves.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Really? How?

Rona:
They asked me too many questions.

Headmaster Avihu:
What are you thinking about?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
I'm contemplating.

Headmaster Avihu:
About what?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
What to make for lunch.

Headmaster Avihu:
What?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
Fish patties or lasagna.

Headmaster Avihu:
[laughing] Does cooking relax you?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
No, but it relaxes the ones who eat.

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
Stop shushing everyone. What're you, a librarian?

[Doron enters wearing nothing but bikini briefs, shoes and a towel over one shoulder]

Ziva:
[to Ruhama] Why is he walking around like that in front of the boys?

Ruhama Bar-Dayan:
[to Doron] Put something on.

Doron Bar-Dayan:
[smugly] I don't feel like it. My balls hurt, okay?

Headmaster Avihu:
How did this boy reach the age of 16 with the whole world thinking he's semi-retarded?

Yehoshua Eldad:
It's like the joke about the boy and the salt. Everyone thought he was mute till they asked him to pass the salt. You and this teacher of yours finally asked Shlomi to pass the salt, so he did.

Headmaster Avihu:
You ruined the joke. It was the boy who asked for the salt.

Yehoshua Eldad:
[laughing together] Jokes aren't my thing.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Monsier Shalom, get out of here.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
What?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Take the money I put aside for you and get out of here.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
What money?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Twenty shekels for every meal you fixed. Fifteen shekels for a bath, ten shekels for a shampoo.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
You're dreaming again, Grandpa.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
The money's in our book and don't worry about me. I'll be leaving soon, too.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
Grandpa, stop it.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
[as he falls asleep] Go, join the partisans, go up into the mountains, take over Tokyo before its too late. Take over Tokyo...

Headmaster Avihu:
[continuing to ask abut Shlomi] How do you know about him?

Teacher Tzvia:
His big brother was great. He was sick for many years, poor guy, till he had the operation.

Headmaster Avihu:
I heard.

Teacher Tzvia:
Ruhama gave him a kidney, but now he's great. He helps Shlomi so much.

Headmaster Avihu:
But, personally, what's your impression of HIM?

Teacher Tzvia:
Eh, how should I put it... I think he's a little... ehh, you know.

Headmaster Avihu:
What does that mean?

Teacher Tzvia:
Dumb.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
[noting Shlomi's sullenness] Who's the girl who broke your heart? Listen to me: girls are like buses - if you miss one, another one will come along. Girls are like mirrors: you see yourself, your dimples and your pimples.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
I thought girls were like busses.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Like busses, like mirrors, like nooses - the tighter the knot, the harder you get.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
What?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Yeah. Men getting hanged have a hard-on. That's science.

[Grandpa turns back to gazing out the window - his favorite past-time]

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
What do you keep looking at?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
The sky.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
Why?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Sometimes it's blue, sometimes it's clear. There are clouds, stars, lightning, many things. They each do their own thing and don't get in each other's way.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
What's gonna happen to you, Grandpa?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
What do you mean?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
If I go away.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
Where to?

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
To school, for instance.

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
School's good. I'm all for that.

Shlomi Bar-Dayan:
But what about you? Who'll give you a bath and feed you?

Grandfather Bar-Dayan:
What do you care? Why do you have to butt in on everything? If you close your eyes, will the sky come falling down? I have news for you - it won't. And you, Shlomi, find your mirror and get on your bus and stop worrying about me. I've been worried about enough in my life.