Hairspray

The rats on the street

All dance ’round my feet,

They seem to say

“Tracy, it’s up to you!”

So, oh, oh,

Don’t hold me back,

’Cause today, all my dreams will come true!

Good morning Baltimore!

There’s the flasher who lives next door,

There’s the bum on his barroom stool,

They wish me luck on my way to school.

Good morning Baltimore,

And some day when I take to the floor,

The world’s gonna wake up and see

Baltimore and me.

You can’t stop an avalanche

As it races down the hill;

You can try to stop the seasons, girl

But ya know you never will.

And you can try to stop my dancin' feet,

But I just cannot stand still.

In my ivory tower

Life was just a Hostess snack

But now I’ve tasted chocolate

And I'm never going back

Hey little girl lookin' for a sale,

Test drive this American male

It's gonna take cash to fill my tank,

So let's crack open your piggy bank!

Hey look out for that moving van

Driving down our street!

You better lock up your man

Before he meets

The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

I could say it ain’t so, but darling, what’s the use?

The darker the chocolate, the richer the taste,

And that’s where it’s at

Now run tell that!

Girl, if I can’t touch you

Then I’m gonna lose control

I’m tired of coverin’ up all my pride!

(So give me five on the black-hand side)

I’ve got a new way of movin’

And I've got my own voice!

(So how can I help,

But to shout and rejoice?)

The people ’round here

Can barely pay their rent

They're try'n to make dollar

Outta fifteen cent!

But we got a spirit

Money just can’t buy!

It’s deep as a river

And soars to the sky!!!

Those poor runner-ups

Might still hold their grudges

They padded their cups

But I screwed the judges

But you can bow and exalt

'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

I bet you’re tired of heavy lifting

Get your hands on something small

Don’tcha let nobody try to steal your fun,

’Cause a little touch of lipstick never hurt no one

The future’s got a million roads for you to choose,

But you’ll walk a little taller in some high heel shoes

And once you find a style that makes you feel like you,

Something fresh, something new

Edna:
Will you turn that racket down? I'm trying to iron here.

Tracy:
Ma, its not racket, its the Corny Collins Show!

Edna:
Well, it's turning your brains into mud!

Penny:
Without that show I have nothing!

Mrs. Pingleton:
Having nothing builds character!

Amber:
[to one of the dancers] Do that again, and there'll be stumps where your feet are, you got that? You little who- [Link walks up] -Holy moly.

Link:
[presents Amber with a ring] It’s time.

[Amber squeals with delight, and kisses Link]

Velma:
Amber! [they break apart] Save your personal life for the camera, sweetie! Ooh, shiny! [sends Amber off to makeup for more powder]

Corny:
And now it’s time to say goodbye to our very own fun-lovin’, free-wheelin’ little Brenda. Come on up here, Brenda! [Brenda does so] Brenda will be taking a little leave of absence from the show. How long are you gonna be gone, Brenda?

Brenda:
[smiling nervously] Just nine months.

Velma:
Detroit sound? What’s that, the cries of people being mugged?

Velma:
They’re kids, Corny, that’s why we have to steer them in the white direction.

Corny:
The right direction?

Velma:
Didn’t I say that?

Corny:
Gee, Velma, how do you fire Corny Collins from The Corny Collins Show? [walks off]

Velma:
[starts to speak and then pauses, frustrated] They do it all the time on “Lassie”!

Edna:
No one is auditioning for anything in this household!

Tracy:
But why not? Why not?

Edna:
Because dancing is not your future. One day, you’re going to own "Edna’s Occidental Laundry".

Tracy:
I don’t want to be a laundress, I want to be famous!

Edna:
If you want to be famous, learn how to take blood out of car upholstery; That’s a skill you can take right to the bank!

Wilbur:
[to Tracy] This is America, babe, you gotta think big to be big.

Edna:
Big ain’t the problem in this family, Wilbur...

Tracy:
I can’t believe I’m really here auditioning [for The Corny Collins Show]!

Penny:
I can’t believe I’m really here watching you audition.

Tracy:
Negro Day’s the best! I wish every day were “Negro Day”!

Seaweed:
At our house, it is.

[Everyone laughs]

Amber:
You have to vote for a person, Corny, not one of the Himalayas.

Corny:
[tightly] Always the charmer, Amber!

Velma:
[after The Dynamites perform “The New Girl in Town”] How dare you pick the same song!

Maybelle:
They wrote it.

Mr. Flak:
Oh, and Mr. Larkin, perhaps you’d like to share with the rest of the class Patrick Henry’s immortal last words?

Link:
[pause] Kiss my ass?

[Amber gasps in shock]

Penny:
I’m very pleased and scared to be here.

Maybelle:
Now, honey, we got more reason to be scared on your street.

Amber:
I’m calling because I have some information about your daughter’s whereabouts.

Edna:
What?

Amber:
Right now, as we speak, your daughter has entered a hotbed of moral... !urpentine.

Maybelle:
[watching Edna walk in] Boy, if we get any more white people in here, this is gonna be a suburb.

Maybelle:
Miz Edna, is it? Hi, I mean, you don’t have to rush off, you know.

Edna:
Well, I do. I left my iron on.

Maybelle:
Oh, your iron? Well, before you go, are you sure you wouldn't like to have a little something to eat? [shows Edna the soul food spread on the table]

Edna:
[after a long moment] Is that braised?

Velma Von Tussle:
Incredible! I could do a fan dance with a lettuce leaf and you would remain completely obtuse!

Wilbur:
Obtuse?

Velma:
Yes, obtuse!

Wilbur:
I flunked geometry-

Velma:
Yeah, well, and biology too, no doubt!

Wilbur:
[to a sobbing Edna, who thinks that he has been cheating on her with Velma] Honey, it took me five years to figure out you were flirting! How could I ever?

Link:
I was just at home, practising my new twist on “The Twist”, when I overheard it on the news. I can’t believe Tracy savagely bludgeoned an Eagle Scout! That’s just not like her!

Edna:
But it’s not true! I was there! He didn't even bleed!

[Seaweed attempts to untie the rope binding Penny]

Penny:
Oh, Seaweed, you do care! I was afraid the colors of our skin would keep us apart!

Seaweed:
No, but these knots might. [still trying to untie her] Was your mom in the Navy?

Inez:
[singing] Seaweed’s got a girlfriend!

Seaweed:
Shut up!

Inez:
You.

Maybelle:
[to Seaweed and Penny] Oh, so this is love? [pauses, then smiles] Well, love is a gift; a lot of people don’t remember that. So you two better brace yourselves for a whole lotta ugly comin’ at you from a never-ending parade of stupid.

Penny:
[deadpan] Oh, you've met my mother?

Police Chief:
[while on the lookout for Tracy] Velma, I seriously doubt she’ll risk incarceration to win a pageant.

Velma:
[to herself] I risked communicable diseases. She’ll certainly risk jail.

Penny:
I am now a checkerboard chick! [kisses Seaweed]

Mrs. Pingleton:
[sees this on TV, and screams in horror] Penny, no! [tumbles over the coffee table]

Amber:
I lost, Mom, Let’s just deal with it!

Velma:
No, you did not lose! [as she pulls the tallies out of her brassiere] You cannot have lost because I switched the damn tallies!

Edna:
Smile, Ms. Crab Meat! [camera pans to reveal her and Wilbur standing behind a live television camera] You’re on Candid Camera!

Wilbur:
That was a good shot, don’t you think?

Cameraman:
Not bad!

Velma:
Corny, do something! This show is turning to gumbo!

Corny:
Not a chance, Velma - this is the future.

Tracy Turnblad:
Being invited places by colored people - it feels so hip!

Tracy Turnblad:
Ma, it's changing out there! You'll like it. People who are different, their time is coming!

Penny Pingleton:
My mom says I’m not allowed to perspire!

Link Larkin:
Sorry, little darlin'. Hope I didn’t dent your 'do.

Amber Von Tussle:
(crying after Link has gone with Tracy and the Detention Kids) He just danced on that bus with that Great White Whale and those Negroes!

Velma Von Tussle:
I risked clinical diseases, she’ll certainly risk jail.

Velma Von Tussle:
Let me guess, brand-new dress? Well, you’ll stop traffic!

Velma Von Tussle:
I could do a fan dance with a lettuce leaf and you would remain completely obtuse!

Velma Von Tussle:
You know what your demographic is? Cleaning ladies and lawn jockeys.

Velma Von Tussle:
My husband, he accidentally suffocated.