Hamlet 2

Dana Marschz:
I feel like I've been raped....IN THE FACE!

Dana Marschz:
Chuy, you're going to have a magical life. Because no matter where you go, it's always going to be better than Tucson.

Dana Marschz:
It's getting late... and my wife is ovulating.

Dana Marschz:
[in commercial] I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now - but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol!

Dana Marschz:
It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with d*cks, then jail!

Cricket Feldstein:
You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose!

Epiphany Sellers:
I still get nervous around ethnics.

Cricket Feldstein:
No one is shutting down this play. The Justice Department and the so-called Supreme Court can suck my balls.

Dana Marschz:
Why do they have to do this?

Cricket Feldstein:
My balls?

Dana Marschz:
You can't let your ethnic narrow-mindedness stop your son from thriving in our culture.

Mr. Marquez:
I have to take exception to that characterization.

Dana Marschz:
Heywood's a bad boy. He's a gang banger. A deadbeat. But he also has a gift.

Mrs. Marquez:
Who is Heywood?

Dana Marschz:
Your son. Heywood Jablome.

[pause; realization dawns upon Dana]

Dana Marschz:
Oh. I just got that.

Cricket Feldstein:
Well, this play is gonna b*tch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a gangbang.

Dana Marschz:
Uh... yeah.

Cricket Feldstein:
Y'know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of d*cks, 'cause all I ended up doing was giving you free publicity.

Dana Marschz:
Yeah, and did you see my dressing room? It has a bidet!

Elisabeth Shue:
That was a sink.

Dana Marschz:
It was?