Harmony and Me

[first lines]

Title Card:
Something in your eyes is making such a fool of me. - Madonna, Borderline

Mom:
[on the phone] So you guys dated what, like, a year? So what's, what's the grieving process on that? It's half, right?

Jessica:
It's half.

Mom:
It's about six months...

Jessica:
Right. Except I... I started early.

Mom:
What do you mean you started early?

Jessica:
At about nine months I knew it was over, so... I started grieving... during the relationship.

Mom:
Wait a sec, you started at nine months, so that's four and a half months of grieving, but he's got a whole year, so he's got six months of grieving?

Jessica:
Yeah.

Mom:
See, I didn't know you could do that. I didn't that know you could start *secretly* grieving while still in the comfort of the relationship.

Jessica:
Yeah. You can do it.

Harmony:
Don't you guys do lung transplants or something? Artificial lungs?

Doctor:
Yeah, they're working on that? Should have that done in the next couple a hundred years, or so.

Harmony:
[grabs cigarette from mom's mouth] I don't think we can wait that long.

Harmony:
My heart is a snack. She's like a bear with a fish in its paw.

Harmony:
Can I have a medium coffee and a bagel? To go.

Talkative Barista:
Come back here and wash these dishes with me for a half hour now, and I'll give you a dozen bagels.

Harmony:
No. Thanks.

Talkative Barista:
Pancakes? Ya like pancakes?

Harmony:
Not particularly.

Harmony:
When you don't want to see someone and you go to a place were they're nearly certain to be, what's that called? Is there a clinical term for that? [elevator doors opens and there's Jessica]

Harmony:
You're 40 and drive your mom's minivan. Is that like an ongoing adrenal rush of low self esteem?

Carlos:
Shut up.

Harmony:
Is that like a... all you can eat, low self esteem buffet?

Carlos:
Shut up. My father just, before he died, he told me to look for humility. To search it out, to seek it out.

Harmony:
This van is the Holy Grail of humility.

Gordon:
[before burial service] Are we going to um... I mean all of us, are we going to... together? Some of us... Is there anything else after this, or is this basically... for all of us? I mean the general...

Matt:
You mean after we die? You're asking me if I, I believe in the after life?

Gordon:
Well no, actually, I was thinking about lunch?

Harmony:
[eulogizing] Um, he was often unkind to me. And it didn't seem like tough love, or like he was trying to inspire me. It seemed like simple habitual unkindness. I don't think my memory of him will sustain anything else.

Harmony:
[after thought] He was a pedophile.

Matt:
Everybody, just wipe that from the record.

Harmony:
I don't think you're supposed to give dogs sugar.

Natasha:
He likes it.

Harmony:
You gotta have a pancreas.

Jessica:
You know how when you're watching a movie, and you're half way through, and you realize you don't care about the characters anymore? You don't care what happens. They could get cancer, or turn out to be terrorists, it doesn't really matter. You're like that movie. For a bunch of reasons. Or no reason.

Carlos:
He's been out what, four days now?

Mom:
Five days.

Carlos:
Who's counting. I had a cat run away for a week once...

Harmony:
Maybe there's no question as to the legitimacy of this, but are you a heartless bastard?

Meter Maid Man:
Ho. Okay, hang on. Now that's just inflammatory.

Harmony:
Are you saying this is as like my boss, or as the character. Are we still in it?

Meter Maid Man:
No, you gotta stay in character when we're...

Meter Maid Subordinate:
It's still a part of the demonstration.

Harmony:
Sorry, I didn't know we were in it.

Meter Maid Man:
If you have a question, save it for the end.

Harmony:
So, you're a heartless bastard!