Harper Valley P.T.A.

Stella Johnson:
I'd like to address this meeting of the Harper Valley P. T. A.!

[after Stella Johnson drove to a Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting, she brought her daughter Dee Johnson with her. Dee appeared to be in deep fears. Stella then deeply embarrassed eight Harper Valley P. T. A. members, in the building, after saying she wanted to address the Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting. Stella Johnson spoke back and forth, and turns her head back and forth, to the eight people, she deeply embarrasses, one at a time and the audience members]

Stella Johnson:
Damn, damn, damn!

Alice Finely:
That bad, eh?

[as Alice Finely read the letter, Stella Johnson lowered her head and quietly wept, of the threat of her daughter, Dee Johnson, possibly being expelled from the Harper Valley Junior High School]

Herbie Maddox:
Did you hear the one about the two newborn babies in the nursery? The girl baby says to the boy baby, Are you a boy baby or a girl baby? He says I'm a boy baby. The girl baby says, How do you know you're a boy baby? At that, the boy baby whips back the blankets and says, "See that? Blue booties!"

Alice Finely:
[Alice and Stella have just dumped Seattle Slew's manure over Miss Olive Glover, just after getting Miss. Olive Glover's purse away from her in her automobile] Let's see her come out of this one, smelling like a rose!

Dee Johnson:
[looking at her reflection, in the mirror, just after Alice Finely's completed her make-over; she looks beautiful] Is that me?

Alice Finely:
Well, it ain't Dracula's daughter, baby!

Dee Johnson:
Mama, is that really me?

Stella Johnson:
[weeping tears of joy & happiness, of her daughter's new ideal look] It always was you, honey! It always was you!

Stella Johnson:
[gazing at Dee] My goodness... where'd my little girl go?

Alice Finely:
[Just as Stella Johnson came up with a scheme to rid and frame Kirby Baker, after he raised her house mortgage and tax extremely high, trying to force Stella Johnson to move very far away from Harper Valley, Ohio] Where are you going?

Stella Johnson:
I'm off to get me something Chinese. And I don't mean Chop Suey!

[as Stella Johnson answered back to Alice Finley's question, saying "something Chinese, and not Chop Suey!" Shella chuckled and there are approximately five seconds of Chinese background music]

Police Officer:
[just catching Bobby Taylor outside a motel, trying to escape, wearing nothing but a firehouse hose wrapped around him, and as Bobby Taylor was about to unlock his automobile and escape, after Stella Johnson pretended to have an affair, she got Bobby Taylor to the front door and shoved him outside, Stella then hid his clothes, re-dressed and left for home] Hey, buddy... where's the fire?

Alice Finely:
[to Stella, pointing to the back seat of her car before they go out to deal with Otis Harper, Junior] We've got a passenger.

Dee Johnson:
I thought you could use some help.

Stella Johnson:
You know?

Dee Johnson:
I kind of figured it out.

Stella Johnson:
[giving up] Well, welcome aboard the Harper Valley steamroller!

Stella Johnson:
[Stella Johnson to Dee Johnson: shortly after Dee was threatened to be expelled from Harper Valley Junior High Schoool] When the caterpillar turns into the butterfly, everyone is amazed.

Stella Johnson:
[Stella Johnson to Dee Johnson, about Dee Johnson's new attractiveness] When God gives you that kind of equipment, you've just gotta relax and appreciate it.

Willa Mae Jones:
[to her all female class students, just before showing the film on sex education, that Stella Johnson and Alice Finely spliced it with clips of Willa Mae Jones] If any of you think that sex is a laughing matter, wait until you get married!

Flora Simpson Reilly:
[during a Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting, immediately after Kirby Baker was framed and jailed] It is time, to fight fire, with fire.

[as Alice Finley and Stella Johnson wait to trap Miss. Olive Glover, at Seattle Slew's horse stable and they smell the strong horse dung odor]

Alice Finely:
It ain't exactly Chanel Number 5 around here, you know?

Stella Johnson:
You said it!

[Myrna Wong slightly tore the top of her own dress, to frame Kirby Baker and make it appear as if he sexually assaulted her, in his office room, he had just locked up]

Myrna Wong:
Excuse me. I've been assaulted. Would someone call the police?

[Dee Johnson's questioning the Harper Valley P. T. A. postponed the beginning of the election, with continuous questioning and numerous questions, this was advised by Will Newton, as they searched for Skeeter, and postpone the quick election, that long-time and dis-honest Harper Valley P. T. A. president, Flora Simpson Reilly wanted]

Dee Johnson:
I refer to the minutes of September 8th, 1968, wherein this board was first elected.

[after Stella Johnson read the Harper Valley P. T. A. letter, that came from Miss. Olive Glover's desk, and threatened to expel her daughter, Dee Johnson, from Harper Valley Junior High School, she asked long-time friend, Alice Finley, for gossiping advice, to embarrass some Harper Valley P. T. A. members with. After Alice told Stella some odd, queer and unique true notes. After hearing of the trip to the Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting, Dee was scered to go with her mother, to the meeting. Stella Johnson then brought Dee Johnson, with her to a Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting that was about to occur. As Stella Johnson drove up, she wore a very tight mini-skirt and forced Dee to walk inside the building with her, Stella crossed her right knee over her left knee, her left knee. Her left high-heel shoe continuously tapped the floor, to attract more attention, of the Harper Valley P. T. A. members. Will Newton's gymnasium labors and money kept the Harper Valley P. T. A. members' from being unanimous and allowed Stella Johnson to speak]

Stella Johnson:
You wrote me a letter, that I'd like to reply ti, in public. You say that I'm fit tolive in this American town... that I don't come up to your standards, or whatever you consider decent. Well!

[Stella Johnson then quickly and angrily threw her red purse, into the seat, she sat in, next to Dee Johnson's seat. Just before Stella Johnson walks up the Harper Valley P. T. A. members' table]

Stella Johnson:
I am here to call a few kettles black!

Stella Johnson:
[Stella Johnson then walks up the steps to be in front of the Harper Valley P. T. A. members' table. Stella Johnson first walks in front of Bobby Taylor's chair, of the table] How're you doin, Bobby Taylor? If I haven't turned you down seven times for lewd proposals, I haven't turned you down once! [after embarrassing Bobby Taylor, Stella Johnson then walks to the front of Holly Taylor's seat, she is Bobby Taylor's wife]

Stella Johnson:
If I were you, Holly, I would've taken this man in and had him neutered! Oh, and Holly, honey? You better lay off the booze, or Mack's Liquor Store is going to come and come and take your home, for the booze bill! [after spoke to Holly Taylor, she walks to the front of Kirby Pucket's chair]

Stella Johnson:
And Mister Kirby Baker, a fine real estate executive manager, Baker Realty. [Stella Johnson the verbally reads Kirby Baker's business card, after starting, Stella started again, the second time she read it successfully] "Honesty - Honesty, since 1938." [after reading the business card, Stella Johnson looks directly at Kirby Baker] Your secretary, poor Gladys Wilmet, she had to leave town, all of a sudden.

Kirby Baker:
[in a quiet whisper] Cool it.

Stella Johnson:
[Stella Johnson remains in front of Kirby Baker's seat. Then she turns her head to the audience, as she speaks next sentence, after this bracket] Had to see a special doctor, in Cincinnati! If you all know what I mean?

Stella Johnson:
[Stella Johnson walks away from Kirby Baker, to the front of Harper Valley Junior High School teacher, Willa Mae Johnson's seat] And, oh I know that poor Willa Mae has to leave her shades open an inch... or so, just to catch the cool summer breezes. And don't a few of our more prominent citizens love to stroll by Willa Mae's house and peek, just for their entertainment? [Stella Johnson then walks to the desk of pixilated city mayor, Otis Harper, Junior, as he staggers to his seat, late and behind the scheduled time, for the Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting]

Stella Johnson:
Oh, did you stay too long at Kelly's Bar, again, Otis? Oh yes, we mustn't forget our illustrous town founder's offspring, Otis Harper, Junior, that fine cornerstone of the community, drinking up all of the leftovers at Kelly's Bar, every night at closing time! [Mayor Harpor hiccupped once as Stella Johnson spoke of him. After Stella Johnson spoke of Mayor Harper, she walked away from his desk, then walks to Shirley Thompson's desk, before Stella Johnson speaks of Shirley Thompson]

Stella Johnson:
Ooh, and I'll bet if you checked Shirley Thompson's breath, you'll find she just took a little nip of gin!

[Shirley Thompson hiccupped once, as Stella Johnson spoke of her. After she hiccupped, Stella Johnson then walked to the front of desk Harper Valley Junior Kigh School's bookkeepeper, Miss. Olive Glover, and stood in front of her desk seat, as she embarrasses Miss. Olive Glover]

Stella Johnson:
But, lest we forget the grand secretary, of this council. Poor Olive. She keeps such good books. But, she has this teensy-weensy little gambling problem, that everyone knows about, but would never speak of, in public. I mean no one speak of these terrible lies, in public.

[after Stella Johnson spoke of Miss. Olive Glover's gambling, Stella then walks to the front of Harper Valley P. T. A. president, Mrs. Flora Simpson's desk]

Stella Johnson:
Would they, Mrs. Flora Simpson Reilly? And I'm saving something special for you. Oh, let's face it! This here is just a little Peyton Place and you're all a bunch oh Harper Valley hypocrites!

[Harper Valley P. T. A. president, Mrs. Flora Simpson Reilly started tapping as Stella Johnson called the school board worthless "a bunch of hypocrites", Stella Johnson reveals eight deeply embarrassing facts, to the Harper Valley public residents, that attended this Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting. Then, Stella Johnson walks down the steps and goes to her daughter, Dee Johnson's chair, Stella picks up her red purse, she tossed to her chair, angrily. Stella and Dee then walk to the exit and entrance doors of the building together]

Stella Johnson:
Come on honey, let's go.

[Stella Johnson and Dee Johnson then walk to the entrance and exit doors of the building, that the Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting was occurring in. Stella and Dee stop walking, just after walking outside the doors, Stella speaks to Dee]

Stella Johnson:
Hey, look honey, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

Dee Johnson:
No big deal, mom.

[Stella Johnson then drove back herself an Dee, back to their home. Later that evening, Dee's voice is heard as she writes this note in her diary]

Dee Johnson:
Hello, diary. Sorry I haven't wrote lately, but so muchhas been happening. Mainly, mama busted up a Harper Valley P. T. A. meeting and really socked it to them. She called them all "a bunch of hypocrites" and spilled the beans about them all. I'm sure it'll leave us at the bottom of the popularity polls, but it'll teach them not to screw around my mama. A man there, named Will Newton has big eyes on her, So, I suppose we'll be hearing from him any minute now. It's late and I'm tired. Good night.

[Stella Johnson disguised herself, as a maid, or waitress, to watch undercover, as Alice Finely's chemical concoction, "dis-integrates" more than half of Mrs. Flora Simpson Reilley's hair, off her scalp. Earlier that day, Flora had an appointment at La Moderne Beauty Shop. Just before discovering a majority of her hair has come off of her head, Flora made a remark, to see that her guests, were well served. After Flora's remark, to see the guests are well and equally served, Stella Johnson spoke quickly and calmly, with a deep southern accent, like Daisy Duke, so her voice would not be recognized]

Stella Johnson:
Oh, yes ma'am. Right away, ma'am.